Listen and make your own on Suno.
Music by: BathosExMachina
This isn't my song, but something that resonates with this particular experience on an uncanny level.
An alter of an alter; is she me or are we?
So while I'm still tidying I want to share with the people still here that we have a new alter, Lily...
But she's actually Kyra when they were 18; Lily is an alter of an alter. She is somewhat different, they aren't exactly the same...mostly because at that time in her life, I (Jak) was the host and I absolutely suppressed her as much as possible. Lily is who Kyra could've been if she had autonomy.
This bothers Kyra immensely. Lily is more free than she ever got to be, Lily doesn't remember the pain of being a trans activist, Lily doesn't feel saddened by Kyra's lost dreams...Kyra doesn't feel Lily's happiness.
For a while they were very much replacements...if Lily was here it was because Kyra wasn't (and vice-versa) and we were constantly being approached by friends. Mainly Lily wondering if Kyra hates her so the friends would ask her.
She didn't hate her, it was that Lily reflected the parts of Kyra that she wasn't comfortable with or didn't like about herself. Her fears, her joys, her desires, her secrets...all of them were pulled from her and put into this silly girl that the rest of the system remembers...she was me (sorry for tense switch) when I was happy, she is the me that they love...I am the version they loved. They still love me but when were were holding the same space it was clear that they were less excited when I showed up...I was the burden, she's the fun one.
She eventually goaded me into realizing that we could coexist, but it still doesn't feel great seeing yourself around, to have your own potential reflected back at you, only highlighting the tarnish on your own face.
Who am I if she is me?
Who is she if I'm not me?
How am I not myself?
__
It has been such a difficult year for me psychologically...I went from once a month check-ins to weekly/biweekly trauma therapy sessions. Kyra's harrassment was so bad that she went into the original trauma flashback, relieving it in front of all of us, Echo included. He was incredibly disturbed, Kyra spent her life as the trauma holder, never once letting the rest of us know what her body felt...now we can't unfeel it.
Echo was distraught for a bit, but then settled and has moved on. This caused Kyra to crack. If she kept that pain secret, bearing it alone for 34 years, in order to protect him, and he is.....fine? Throughout our life the worst things often happened to HER, and yet she was still optimistic through it all...it was her disposition, smile through the pain and don't let them see you cry.
But it was for nothing, she feels. She bore all that pain, she sacrificed her dreams, for us, and it didn't even matter....on top of that the un-hurt version of herself is running around expressing herself and making friends. It isn't jealousy but there is envy in Kyra and that is unlike her...which even THAT is giving her confusion.
The first half of the song seems to speak to Lily, but midway through Kyra is the one asking....it's hard to explain, having an alter of an alter was more confusing to express than anythiny I've ever experienced.
I have been flailing for months now, trying to find some sens of things, to find phrases for the indescribable. My friends make a lot of music and I so glad I was open to hearing this, you never know what will be meaningful until it has already impacted you.