December
Running through hospital corridors was something I had hoped I would never have to do.
I couldn’t hear anything. No real sounds reached my ears. All I could hear was this high-pitched noise, constantly screaming into my skull. The vision of Harry running ahead of me was blurred, the feeling of his hand gripping mine as was just a numb press against my skin. I was so scared. With each corner we turned, a more daunting sensation engrossed me, leaving me feeling more worried and more nervous with each and every step. I hadn’t been aware of anything other than my fear for quite a while. When the nurse had directed us to where we needed to be, I hadn’t heard a single word. Thankfully, Harry was good, and had always been good, at holding in his emotions, holding himself together. Even so, just seeing the blurred vision of his back as we pelted our way through the busy hallways, I could tell he was scared. Neither of us had a clue what had happened, and my mind was running wild with ideas. I hoped every single one of them was wrong. I don’t know how long we ran for, but thanks to my lack of senses, it could have been hours. I knew I would never forget that feeling, that emptiness, that vision of the endless identical corridors just repeating themselves over and over again. I knew those images would play out in my mind again, reminding me what the true feeling of fear was. I’d never mistake that emotion again, because I knew my head would always go back to those horror filled moments. Then suddenly, the repetition stopped. Harry parried to his right, dragging me into the room with him, bringing me back to reality. That’s when we saw him. Zayn was in bed, his chest gently pulsing up, and back down, wires coming out of him and exhaustion palpitating through his sleeping body. A doctor stood taking notes by his bed as Harry caved in on himself, balancing his hands on his knees, his body bent as he got his breath back. I turned and faced the wall, catching my breath and welcoming back reality, because in reality, we knew that Zayn was alive. He didn’t look well, but he was alive, and that was all that mattered. “You must be Harry.” The doctor approached him. “Yeah.” Harry flipped upright again, still out of breath, offering his hand. “I’m Dr Ahmed, I’ve been taking care of Zayn.” “What happened?” Harry panted as I turned back around to face the room. “A car accident. Unfortunately, they’re very common in these weather conditions.” “Is he okay?” “He’s fine. He has a broken rib, and a broken wrist. Otherwise he came out relatively unscathed, which is a miracle given the state of his car. We’ve done some examinations, and there’s no damage to the head at all. He’ll be absolutely fine. He’s just resting right now, but I can assure you, you have nothing to worry about.” Harry turned and took two giant steps to reach me, wrapping his arms around my head and pulling me into his chest. I gripped at his t-shirt as he kissed the top of my head, huge sighs of relief leaving us now we had heard those words. Not only was he alive, but he was okay. Ignoring a few broken bones, he was okay. “Thank you.” Harry gasped. “Are we free to stay?” “Take as long as need.” Dr Ahmed nodded. “You’re free to stay all night in situations like this. Especially with the roads as bad as they are. Might be a good idea to stay put.” “Thank you, again. Just… thanks.” “I’ll leave you to it.” He nodded, beginning to walk out of the room. “Please be sure to let us know when he comes to.” Harry nodded, keeping me held against him, and then we were left alone. I wasn’t crying, I was just trying to calm myself down. I was overwhelmed with gratitude, smothered in Harry’s chest, just trying to take in where we were, what had happened, how we had ended up in that room. I was trying to piece together my evening, because it had been a haze for so long. I was so confused, but being in Harry’s arms was my cure, my proof that I was still sane. I needed him, then. More than I’ll ever admit. + + + “No, honestly, you don’t need to drive over.” Harry hushed down the phone to Zayn’s mother. “The roads are horrific. It’s not worth the risk. He’s fine, he’s resting. Me and Pippa are here with him, and we’re gunna stay all night. Just… Just calm down, get some rest, and drive over in the morning. Honestly. You can’t drive in the state you’re in with the roads how they are. He’s fine, honestly.” The beeping of Zayn’s heart monitor was a kind reminder of his wellbeing, no matter how tedious the noise. I sat enveloping his still hand with my own, observing the side of his face from the chair beside his bed. He had a few small cuts over his arms and on his face, yellow and black bruises over his ribs. It was just past 11pm, and I wondered how the weather was outside. The room we were in didn’t have any windows, so it was hard to keep track of the time, but we didn’t have any plans on going home. I knew I was going to stay there, holding his hand until sleep naturally took over me and forced me to rest. Until then, I would be by his side, just waiting for him to stir, waiting to hear his voice. I knew he was okay, really, but I just really needed to hear him speak. I needed to hear his voice, hear him tell me he was okay. I felt incredibly lost without him. “Okay.” Harry continued. “Well, we’ll see you in the morning. Get some rest… Alright, bye, bye.” He hung up, after finally convincing her that it really was not a good idea to drive over. It had taken around twenty minutes, but he’d finally been successful. At least we didn’t have anyone else to worry about. “How is she?” I asked quietly. “Not so good.” Harry occupied the seat on the opposite side of the bed. “But we knew that. I managed to calm her down a little bit but… Urgh.” Somehow, in spite of everything, the argument myself and Harry had earlier was still something that was looming low over our heads, making this whole experience even worse. It wasn’t like either of us were mad at each other, or anything, but there was just an atmosphere that had been created thanks to our brawl. Everything just seemed so wrong. “Do you want a drink?” I kept my voice low. “I’m gunna go get a hot chocolate or something.” “Will you grab me a coffee, please?” “Course.” I got my feet. “Do you want anything else?” “I’m okay. Thanks.” I nodded, and left the room, double checking over my shoulder, double checking on Zayn even though he had been in the same state since we had arrived there three hours earlier. Even so, I wanted to make my journey a quick one, so I could get back there as quickly as possible. I kept my head down as I charged through the corridors, doctors and nurses walking and rushing and doing their jobs. I was so eager to get out of there, to get Zayn home and to make sure he was safe and fine and tucked up in his own bed. I didn’t know how long they’d want to keep him in. I knew a broken rib wasn’t a good thing, but I had no idea how something like that was supposed to heal. My mind was just full of questions. I wondered where he had been driving, if he had just lost control of the car or if there had been a collision with another car. I knew the doctors wanted to talk all this through with Zayn, not me and Harry, but I wished we just had access to a little more information. Soon enough, I stumbled upon the nearest coffee machine, routing through my purse to try and find the right amount of change to get me and Harry our drinks. “Pippa?” I bolted my head to the left, seeing Ronnie quickly approach me with concern in her eyes. I dropped all my change on the floor, visibly still completely shook up about where I was and what had happened. “Oh shit. I’m sorry.” I could feel tears building again. “Hi. Wh-what are you doing here?” “I’m here on placement.” She replied. “What are you doing here? Are you okay?” I got down to the floor in an attempt to pick up my change, and she joined me. She looked weird in her scrubs. Ronnie always looked gorgeous, she always made a very conscious effort with her appearance, she always dressed well. She still looked incredible, there’s no denying that, but it was just weird seeing her like that. “I... I…” My voice was breaking as I tried to hold it together. “It’s just… Zayn’s been in a car accident.” “Shit.” She gawped, forgetting the change on the floor and just staring at me. “Is he okay?” “He’s fine.” I blubbered, the tears escaping. “He has a few broken bones. But I just want to go home. I just want-” “Then go home, Pip.” “NO! No, Ronnie. I want to go home with Zayn. I want to go and look after him. I don’t want to be here.” I picked up my final penny and threw myself back to my feet, Ronnie joining me slowly, empathy in her eyes. I knew she dealt with stuff like that daily whilst on placement, but it wasn’t usually with someone she knew. I tried putting the money into the coffee machine, but most of it just kept falling back through, which honestly was just making my day even worse. “I know.” She gulped. “I don’t want this shitty coffee and I don’t want to be here.” I gripped. “And on top of that, me and Harry had this idiotic argument before we heard the news. We’re both just… fuck. We’re sat in there like we barely know each other! We’re just trying to process everything and it’s horrible.” “Go talk to him.” She tried to sooth me. “I will as soon as I get a FUCKING COFFEE!” I slammed my hand against the useless machine, but that little outburst was what I had needed. I wiped away my final few tears and then covered my eyes, heaving out a giant sigh, one of disbelief, frustration and sadness. It might have sounded ridiculous, because I knew we’d gotten off lightly given the circumstances, but it was just being there that bothered me. I wished it had never happened, I wanted nothing but nice things for Zayn because he deserved nothing but nice things. He didn’t deserve this. Behind Ronnie, I saw some doctors walk out of what I predicted was a surgery room, looking tired and defeated. I didn’t even want to think about what had just happened in there. Ronnie moved me out of the way, reaching for the coins that had been rejected, then scratching them on top of the machine. They worked just fine after that. I pressed the button for the coffee. “You need this.” She whispered harshly. “No. I need a hot chocolate. I need a warm hug.” I sighed. “I’m sorry.” “It’s okay.” She shrugged. “I’ve seen a lot worse. Now go, talk to Harry. Zayn’s going to be okay, so you need to sort out your issues with your boyfriend.” “He’s not my boyfriend. That’s the issue.” I breathed. She passed me the cup of coffee and then pressed the button for the hot chocolate, signalling to a doctor down the corridor that she’d only be a minute. “You broke up?” “He won’t ask me out.” “Well, he did have a girlfriend this time last month.” She shrugged. “Maybe it would be a bit rushed.” “That’s what he said!” I called. “And I totally flipped about it. Would you judge, if we started going out now?” “I would think it was weird. I know you adore him and everything, but things are different when you start going out with someone. You should get to know what you’re like as a couple first. It’s not been long. You also need to find a healthy balance.” “What do you mean?” I was glad to be hearing some advice from a female. “You live with him. You need to make sure you don’t start smothering each other!” She looked over my shoulder again. “Look, I really need to go. Go talk to him, and ring me when you’re home tomorrow.” “Okay.” I nodded. “Thanks, Ronnie.” She kissed my cheek and then scurried off, getting back to the work she should have been doing rather than trying to comfort me. I stared down to the hot chocolate that had just finished pouring in the machine, watching the steam pollute from it, simply putting off going to talk to Harry because I still didn’t have a clue what to say. I grabbed the hot drink with my free hand and then began my journey back to Zayn’s room, wondering if Harry had been fretting about things as much as I had. The headache I had was constant and unkind, and my fingers were beginning to burn as I stepped back into the room, passing over Harry’s coffee quickly and then going to sit back in my chair at the other side of the bed. “Thanks.” He mulled. I stared at him quietly over Zayn’s body for a few minutes, watching him stare at our sleeping friends face. Once he’d placed his coffee down on the ground, he clasped his hands together, his chin resting on top on them. The more I tried to think about what I should say to him, the less clues I had, so I just decided to open my mouth and let whatever happened, happen. “I’m sorry.” I whispered. “Huh?” His head moved to me. “I don’t know why I got so angry earlier. I… I do understand where you’re coming from.” “You know I love you, Pip. I just want to do this right.” “No, I know, and I understand that. I’m sorry. I want you to ask me out when you’re ready to ask me out. I’m sorry I freaked out. I don’t want you to think I’m mad at you… because I’m not.” He shot me this tiny little smile, grateful for my apology. I relaxed straight away. At least one of the things that had gone horrifically wrong with our evening was in the process of being fixed. That little smile on Harry’s face could brighten anyone’s day. “I didn’t want to upset you.” He sighed. “You know I’ll ask you out at some point. I’m in love with you for fuck sake. I’m just worried that if we don’t take this steady… I’ll lose you. And I… I-I can’t lose you.” I really did respect that. Of course I was still a little bit gutted that I’d have to wait a little bit longer to be his girlfriend, but when he was wording it like that, when he was trying his best to be sensible, I had to understand his point. “You won’t.” I whispered. He ushered me round to him, winking as he did. I abandoned my hot chocolate, choosing a literal warm hug instead as I scurried round to join him, his arms open just waiting for me. I sat on his knee as he wrapped his muscly limbs around my waist. We sunk into the chair together, slouched down with my back against his stomach and chest, his head over my shoulder, cheek to cheek once he’d given me a quick kiss to my temple. The day’s events finally began to ware away at me as we sat snuggled together. My eyes began to droop, nodding my head against Harry’s, at home in his arms. “You should get some sleep.” He kissed my cheek briefly. “Did we do the right thing? Not calling Ringo?” “We’ll call her straight away in the morning.” He said. “I just think with the weather and the roads, and the fact we know he’s okay… It’s just best to keep everyone safe, and as calm as possible. I don’t want to have to worry about anyone else.” With that final bit of confirmation, I kept my eyes closed, sleep only a few moments away. It wasn’t that often I would feel tired before midnight, but everything that had happened that day had been so exhausting, I just needed it. I was also very aware that I probably wouldn’t sleep straight through to the morning. I couldn’t imagine I’d be getting a decent night’s sleep, so I wanted to cram in as much slumber as I could. He kissed sweetly at my cheeks a few more times. His whispers then lulled me to sleep. “I love you, Pippa. Sleep tight.” + + + I shot my eyes open, expecting it to be dark, but the glaring lights of the hospital made sure that would never be the case. I was still on Harry’s knee. I sat up gently, checking over my shoulder and seeing that he was still sleeping, his mouth agape, his chin squished backwards. My eyes then quickly went to Zayn. There had been a very slight increase on the pace of his heart monitor, that was what had woken me. I checked over him, and he was still, in the exact same position he had been when we arrived and throughout the entire evening. Nothing had changed. My paranoia was still running wild. I settled back against Harry’s frame, and fell back to sleep. + + + I was still trying to wake myself up, stretching and groaning and trying to recall what the outside world looked like. The morning had come around quickly, and after a night of uneasy sleeping, it was welcomed that it was finally an hour where I could get up and just stay awake. I also knew that Zayn’s mother would be there soon, and Harry had just gone to get us some breakfast and to call Ringo to let her know what had happened. It was whilst Harry was out of the room, that Zayn finally stirred. I bolted upright, grabbing hold of his hand urgently, but trying to be tender. I had been waiting for that moment since the second we arrived, but I hadn’t even considered for a second how ghastly it would be. I got to see it all, his eyes twitching open, realising where he was. Panic raced through him as he looked down to himself, seeing the clip on his finger, the wire going into his arm, the white sheets covering him from his belly-button downwards. Dread and alarm sent him into a frenzied state, panting and gasping and touching his chest as though double checking this was genuinely happening, that it wasn’t just some kind of messed up dream. He winced when he moved too fast, grabbing hold of his side, turning to try and look at his bruised ribs, and that’s when he finally saw me. I hadn’t even been able to speak, I was so tranced by his worry, I could barely bring myself to breathe, never mind try to comfort him. “What the fuck?” I could hardly hear him. “It’s okay.” I tried, though there were tears in my eyes. “Don’t panic, you’re okay.” “What happened? Pippa what happened?” He gripped my hand tight. “You were in a car accident.” I muttered. “I don’t know much about what happened. You have a broken wrist and a broken rib bone… Umm, I don’t think you’ll be seeing your car again. I don’t know. Your mums on her way. Harry’s calling Ringo.” “I remember driving but… Oh fuck, Pip I don’t-” “Everything is fine!” I was stern in order to calm him down. “You don’t need to worry, please. Everything is fine.” “Are you sure?” He gasped. “I promise.” He flopped his head back to the pillow, staring up to the ceiling, his breathing pattern a mere myth as he tried to place together his evening, tried to believe me when I had said everything was okay. I could tell it wasn’t real to him yet. He was taking his time. Before he spoke again, he wanted to really take in where he was. He needed to do what he always did, to sit back, think about it, examine it, and mull over it until it made sense to him. But whilst he did that, his fingers remained gripped around mine, straining my skin, causing real pain but I didn’t care. Each moment the grip tightened, it was simply a reminder to me that he had the ability to do that. He was alive, and he could grip at my skin like that. I’d never welcomed pain so lovingly. “Well…” He mumbled after a while, turning to me. “Well… how are you?” “Are you kidding me?” I flummoxed. “Are you okay? Oh shit. I bet you were so worried.” “Of course I was but I’m fine!” I enforced. “Make a joke.” He said from nowhere. “What?” With every word, he was confusing me more and more. I just stared at him, wondering if the doctors needed to check over his head again. “Just make a joke.” He panted. “I need to feel normal. I need to just know that everything’s going to go back to normal. I don’t want any more sympathetic voices for the rest of the day. Just be normal with me. Please.” “Well… I… I guess it’s not really a joke but… I’ve gotta admit, Zayn, I was pretty mad when I realised you have Harry as your emergency contact and not me.” I smiled. That made him laugh. He probably laughed a little too much, grabbing at his sore side and automatically trying to stop his chuckles, but he seemed happy. Even laying in a hospital bed, Zayn had the ability to be happy. That made me beam. “Imagine if they’d rang you.” He spluttered. “There would have been absolute anarchy. You couldn’t deal with it.” “That’s probably true.” There was no question that it was absolutely true. God knows how differently things would have gone if I had the call rather than Harry. He knew how to stay calm, and that was not a gift I had been blessed with, hence the constant crying. “You’re awake!” Our heads bolted to the door, seeing Harry stood with a tray of disgusting looking food he had purchased for us, his mouth ajar as he took in the sight ahead of him. Because not only was Zayn awake, he was smiling, somewhat happy. “Hey, bro.” Zayn grinned. Harry moved to the table at the side of the room and disregarded the food he had just spent a lifetime queuing for, then darting to Zayn, gripping one hand at the back of his neck and ruffling his hair with the other. “You’re looking good, man.” Excitement worked his tone. “It’s so fucking good to see you awake.” I could see tears forming in Zayn’s eyes as he chuckled and grinned back up to Harry, his Adams-apple jolting up and down. I think that was the first moment he kind of took in what had happened the night before, how lucky he was to be there with only a few broken bones and bruises. Zayn had tears in his eyes, looking up to Harry, seeing his best friend being so grateful that he had woken up that morning, just as he had woken up every single morning since before he could remember, and that’s when he knew it was a big deal. Him being there with us, was a big deal. I couldn’t even imagine how overwhelming that felt. “It’s so good to see you, man.” Harry said again, kissing Zayn’s forehead. “So fucking good to see you.” “I should go get Dr Ahmed.” I shuddered. “I’ll go, don’t worry.” Harry smiled. “I got you a sausage butty, eat up.” “Thanks.” I smiled. Harry left the room again, shaking his hair and rolling his shoulders, lapping up this new happiness we were experiencing after such an awful night. Zayn eased after that, the worry that had been manifesting in him for the short period of time since he awoke being pushed further and further from his mind. “I’ve never felt so many feelings at once.” He gushed. A few moments later, Harry returned with Dr Ahmed by his side. Harry went and stood by Zayn’s bed as his doctor checked over a few notes, and I sat myself upright in my seat, almost feeling like I had to look professional and well-mannered when a doctor was in the room with us. “Good to see you up, Mr Malik. How are you feeling?” “A little sore, but okay.” Zayn nodded. “Excellent. Well, I’m not sure how much your friends told you, but we’ve ran some scans, and your left wrist is broken, and a rib on your right-hand side is broken. That will be the main cause of the pain you’re experiencing.” He explained. “You hit a spot of black-ice when you were driving last night and crashed into a nearby wall. You’ve been very lucky, sir. Your car, not so much.” “I don’t care about the car.” Zayn chuckled deeply. “That’s good to hear. I once had a man who was paralyzed from the neck down, and the first question he asked was if his BMW was okay.” Me and Harry quietly turned our heads to one another, an instinct in that moment for some reason. Another beautiful smile graced his face, a gentle innocuous creating the look of love in his eyes. If things were going to last with Harry for as long as I was hoping they would, I knew we would have many more arguments in the future, but in that moment I decided to ignore that truth, and pretend we were never going to argue again. “Mr Malik?” Dr Ahmed seemed more hesitant this time. “Can I ask that I have a private conversation with you for a moment?” “These two are fine.” Zayn shrugged. “Anything you need to say, they’re okay to hear it.” He nodded, and placed down his clipboard. I could tell something wasn’t right, my brows furrowed as I watched him prepare himself for what he was about to say. I looked to Zayn and Harry, and their faces mirrored mine. Suddenly, our worry had returned. Putting off the upcoming conversation even more, Dr Ahmed went and closed the door that lead out into the hall, then turning and talking directly to Zayn. “How much do you remember of what happened last night?” “I’m piecing it together. Why?” “We’re struggling to identify the person you were in the car with.” Zayn stayed quiet, his eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. I didn’t even know anyone had been in the car with him. Dr Ahmed noticed Zayn’s inability to speak. “We couldn’t find a wallet or any form of ID on his person… Unfortunately, I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the passenger you had in your car last night has died. There wasn’t anything we could do. We haven’t been able to contact anyone, because we’re still unaware who it was. They were left unrecognisable after the crash. I’m so sorry to be telling you this, and I’m sorry that we need your help, but we do need the name of the person you were traveling with.” There was bile in my throat, my neck cracking and twisting to face Zayn so I could focus on him. Someone had died. Someone who Zayn had been driving with was dead. I didn’t want to know who it was. I didn’t want to admit that someone had lost their life in that accident, and I didn’t want to admit the likeliness of me knowing them. I didn’t want to know, and yet at the same time, I was just waiting for Zayn to answer him. His entire body began to tremble, the vibrations moving from his bottom lip and shooting all over his body just before his face contorted, saliva spluttering from his mouth as the truth gutted him in front of us. “No.” He broke. “No. He can’t… No.” He didn’t hide his face, he didn’t wipe away the tears or the spit, he just wallowed in it. Harry sat himself down on the other chair next to his bed, where we had slept, gripping the arm and preparing himself for what we were about to hear. “I’m sorry, Zayn.” Dr Ahmed gulped. “But I need a name.” He just shook his head, because he knew the truth and it was something he didn’t want to share. It was something he didn’t want to involve me and Harry in. Maybe we should have left the room. At least then Zayn would have been able to prepare himself before he told us, or have asked Dr Ahmed to tell us. Anything would have been better than this. He was on the spot, in agony about the loss of a friend, and three pairs of eyes just waiting for him to drop the name. I was already crying, but nothing could prepare me for the downpour of tears when he finally revealed who it was. “It… It was Mike… His name was Mike Jones.”