#be desperate

[quicksandblock]

I want "Dream flinging himself against the bars of his cage" content

[beboopy]

But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you

SUDDENLY like a trap.

For it will come upon all who dwell on the face of the whole earth.

But stay awake at all times, praying that you may have the strength to escape all these things that are going to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man.

[shook]

BE Desperate – 4/13/11 Draft

"I don't have a job waiting for me, I didn't get into any of the graduate schools I applied to, I don't have anywhere to go when I graduate! Sarah, I don’t know what to do! My situation is completely hopeless!" I remember the frustration in my voice and the knot in my stomach as I poured my heart out to my fiancé Sarah. She just listened to me for a long time go over and over again about how confused I was and the desperation I felt. After a few minutes of silence Sarah finally spoke, "Ryan, it's good that you're desperate, that means you've finally given up your fighting. But in your desperation you can't give up hope. "

As I approached the last few weeks of my college education I was desperate for answers. Sarah and I were getting married that summer and I had no idea where we would live or how I would provide for us. I had always imagined life after college would mean job security and a comfortable life, but now none of that seemed even possible. The weight of stress and anxiety felt like a boulder whose weight was growing every day. I prayed some about it but mostly I just got angry. I was angry at myself but angry at God especially because he had brought me through college only to be without direction or purpose.

It had been a few weeks since our first conversation about my desperation and I was feeling really stressed out. Some people turn to alcohol or smoking when they’re stressed but I'm lucky enough to be one of those people who actually enjoys running when they're upset. So I laced up my Adidas and went out to the nature preserve near our house. I felt so worthless, so lost, so desperate. I remember as I ran through the woods my heart continued to race as I wrestled with God in my heart. For the first 15 minutes I just told God how much I hated him for putting me in this place, then I begged him to give me a direction. I waited for an answer but there was only silence. I could barely make out the trail in front of me as tears continued to well and stream down my cheeks. I could finally barely keep my legs moving and I finally fell to my knees at a lake along the nature trail. "God I give up. I give up, I give up, I give up! These weren't the shouts of a super Christian, they were the broken whispers of a desperate kid. "Lord I am so desperate but I still have just a little hope left. Please don't forget about me."

In Psalm 31 David was in the exact same place as I was when he said:

I run to you, God; I run for dear life. Don't let me down! 

      Take me seriously this time! 

   Get down on my level and listen, 

      and please—no procrastination! 

...Desperate, I throw myself on you: 

      you are my God! 

   Hour by hour I place my days in your hand, 

      safe from the hands out to get me. 

As humans we are all averse to desperation. Even people who consider themselves risk takers take precautions to avoid getting into a desperate situation. It's why skydivers have backup parachutes, why your Dad doesn't ask for directions on family car trips, why you try to look like you know what is going on your first day of high school. Everyone hates being desperate. The problem is, most of us feel desperate a lot. We frantically seek after love, sex, the pain to go away, relief. We can’t stand being lonely, socially insecure, having no friends, being on the outside, a loser. Maybe girls and guys are desperate about different things, but we all know what it feels like, and we’d rather not feel it. We’d rather get relief. Think about it—the entire advertising and consumer economy—and a huge amount of what we hear in churches—promises relief from desperation.

When I was in high school my friends and I started to drift away from our faith and away from the church. My friends and I were trying to fill an emptiness in our hearts that was insatiable. Through time and patience God reconnected me to Him and what was real in life but many of my friends were still searching for fulfillment in the wrong places. It hurt me to watch them go through the motions of high school without purpose, especially when I felt I could point them in the right direction. I wasn't able to communicate God's love to them through my own words very well but I started feeling this desire to make a short film that would speak to them.

When I set out to make this first short film I remember I tried to plan every little detail out- from the script to the lighting to the characters. Here I was making a film about all the things we do to try to fill our desperation and all the while I was trying so hard to keep myself from making a mistake or having to rely on someone else. I remember the anxiety in my heart when I read over my first draft of the script and it sucked. I asked my parent's for advice. They told me not to worry about it. They told me God would give me the words on my heart when he was ready. "That was easy for them to say, “I whispered under my breathe as I sat down to write. I just sat and stared at the blank word document on my screen and the desperation only grew.

The ironic thing is that even though we go to great lengths to avoid becoming desperate, we actually like watching other people in desperate situations. Have you ever seen a movie where the protagonist wasn't in some kind of trouble? Evil is about to take over the world, the kid's parent is about to find out they skipped school, the bomb is about to go off somewhere in the city and the SWAT team has to find it, the killer is about to find the girl behind the closet door, or the plane is about to crash-land on a desert island. We love watching others in dire situations, it’s the key ingredient to every great story. The higher the stakes, the more captivating the story is.

I believe we love watching others in dire situations because in our subconscious we know that we are all in an extremely desperate situation. Not only do we go through all kinds of pain through the course of one day or one week, we also have this overarching desperation built into our very existence. We've all been given this incredibly rare and precious gift of life. And we all know that sooner or later our time here on earth will be up. From the kid living in the slums of Africa to the billionaire in his mansion, we all have a short time to experience and make sense of life. And if we're honest, we are all desperate for answers. Why am I here? What is this life all about? How can I find meaning in my existence? These are all big, dire questions that we desperately seek to answer.

When drafting the script for Empty there were countless days when I would try to write something that wasn't really from my heart but I was able whip up in a few minutes. I'd look over the draft of the script and realize that it wasn't real. Then I'd sit back down, stare at the screen, and freak out because nothing was coming to me. I was finally so desperate that I was about to give up on the whole idea of making a film at all. I remember collapsing on my bed late at night and being so frustrated with God. "I thought you wanted me to share a message and a story with my friends! What the heck God?! " God didn't speak to me in a loud voice or give me a sign but he whispered to me. He whispered to trust him and to just start writing. I wrote for a few hours that night and went to bed late. My eyes were groggy and I finally saved my draft and went to bed.

I remember waking up late in the day and coming downstairs. I told my parents I had written a draft for the short film and I thought it might work. They told me they wanted to hear it so I reluctantly printed it off and read it to them. As soon as I finished reading it out loud I realized just how crappy it was! What was I thinking! There were so many silly points and poorly written sentences in the draft, did it even have a structure? "Ugh, I'm going to rewrite most of this..." When I finally looked at my parents' faces I realized that they really liked it, and not just in a 'were going to put your finger paints on the fridge' kind of way. They genuinely felt that the script was great, not because it was perfectly written, but because they could tell it was from my heart.

The problem in life is that even though our situation is nothing short of desperate, our perception of our situation is often much different than reality. We begin going through life just trying our best to avoid complicated and difficult situations and convince ourselves that we will live to be well over a hundred thanks to advances in modern science. The good news is that God has some key tools to bring us out of our "safety delusion." God uses fear to wake us up. Your Mom tells you your Dad may be leaving you both soon. Your doctor tells you the mole may be cancerous. You find out that your husband in the Army may be deployed overseas soon. These things wake us up. They pull us out of the doldrums of a life of safety we have created for ourselves and instantly remind us of what is important in life.

But if fear is God's wake up call then desperation is his fire alarm. Your father passed away after a battle with cancer. You’re wife has left you for someone else. You lost your job and have no idea how you will provide for your family. You're at the end of your rope and contemplating suicide. These are desperate situations that seem to bring confusion rather than clarity. They present complex situations where there is no one right answer or easy solution. In these situations what we are presented with is no other option than to either give up hope or give up control.

In Jesus's most famous sermon, the sermon on the mount, he starts off by saying this:

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."

Even though these statements sound completely backwards I think Jesus knew something that very few of us ever stop to think about. I think another way to say it is "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. You've been given the chance to give up control." When things are going okay for us we never stop to think "Today could be my last day, what am I doing with my time?" It just doesn't cross our minds. But when you're at the end of your rope God has given you this incredible clarity of vision that allows you to see the true frailty and longing in your life. He gives you a holy desperation. You don't have a backup plan or a safety net.

I thought that once I finished the script the rest of the short film project would be smooth sailing. I thought I had finally broken through the desperation and into success and easy progress. Nothing could be further from the truth. During production a location would be too bright, equipment wouldn't work properly, we would run out of daylight, my direction to actors would be unclear. I kept trying to make the project come together on my own, kept trying to climb out of my desperate situation and onto a mountain top of success. It's what happens in the movies right? The protagonist's situation is completely dire but somehow, against all odds, by the end he has finally overcome great obstacles and is living happily ever after.

Our culture tries to define desperation in terms of a giant valley that must be crossed. You go to the depths of despair and it either swallows you alive or you eventually climb out and enjoy the rest of your days in peace. The truth is that the landscape of our lives is much more like hiking through the mountain terrain of the West. If you've ever been to the Rocky Mountains you know that there are both beautiful valleys and strong mountains- some valleys are deeper than others, some mountains are higher. I learned this truth the hard way after we finished filming. We had spent several days filming all the scenes and I had come back to the church office to edit the footage. I remember the smile on my face as I sat down to edit what I knew would be my masterpiece. People would look at me for decades to come and admire the pinnacle of success I had reached on my short film debut. I opened up Final Cut, started looking at the footage and realized that most of the footage was horrible. The audio wasn't right, the scenes didn't make sense, and there was often a microphone visible in the frame. Desperation set in again and I knew my film career was over before it even started.

When I was young our family used to go to the community pool where we would swim and play on summer days. We would usually jump off of the diving boards near the pool, I guess you would call them 'low dives'. My siblings and I would have fun doing cannonballs and flips off the diving board. I would always have fun but every time I stepped up onto the board I would glance up and see the high dive towering above us. Just looking up there made me feel sick but I always admired the divers who came to practice at the pool. I remember watching in awe as they nailed so many flips and gracefully entered the water.

One day, after jumping off the low dive several times my younger brother said "Hey, I'm going to try the high dive, wanna come?" No I did not want to come. But I also did not want to be shown up by my younger brother and look like a wimp. With great hesitation I followed him up the stairs of the high dive. With each step I took I could feel the knot in my throat growing. I hesitated a moment to turn around but I just saw Josh climbing the stairs faster and I again decided to followed him. 

Josh and I waited at the top of the platform and looked around. It felt like we had just left earth’s atmosphere and were looking down at the tiny ant people down below. "I'll let you go first." I said nervously. Josh peered over the edge, took a few steps back, ran to the edge, and leapt off. I was sure I had never seen anything so brave or foolish in my life. I walked to the edge and looked over. Josh had survived and was climbing out of the pool! Okay, c'mon Ryan, you can do this... I took a few steps back a deep breath. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...." I counted slowly under my breath and figured I'd stop at infinity. Somewhere around "30" my legs finally started moving. I ran towards the edge of the board and prepared for my final leap off the edge. As I pushed off I could feel my right foot slip underneath me. I had cleared the board but found myself flailing through the air like a maniac. My arms flung about trying to stabilize my body as it turned in every direction.

But even as I continued falling helplessly from the board I had this sense that I would be okay because I knew there was water below me. Even though my mind was screaming at me to regain control my gut reminded me of what I knew to be true, that there was 12 feet of water below me to break my fall. That's the best way I know how to describe holy desperation. It's faith in the face of total chaos in your life. It's believing that even though your world is caving in around you that there is an Olympic size swimming pool below you to catch your fall no matter how far out you jump or how awkwardly you fall that God is going to catch you.

Maybe you're at point where you feel the desperation in your life and things have never felt more out of control. Maybe you don't "feel" desperate right now but you know that your situation is desperate in your heart. My challenge to you is to forget what you think you know about control and fulfillment. I challenge you to stop running from the uncontrollable parts of your life and embrace the holy desperation that exists in it. Desperation in some form will always be present in your life. You're not passing the class, you're not sure if you can pay rent next month, your relationship with your Mom or Dad is all but destroyed. In order to live a life beyond belief you absolutely have to embrace your holy desperation. As much as you try you will never be able to control ever aspect in your life. In fact, you may control very few aspects of your life. 

I hit the water with a splash and the butterflies in my stomach finally evaporated. After sinking down under the water I began swimming to the surface. I emerged with a beaming smile of satisfaction. I looked towards Josh who was already running up the steps again. "Hold on, I'm going again too!" I shouted. For the first time in my life I was truly and completely desperate for someone, anyone, and I was okay with the  Are you still desperately trying to regain control? Are you about to give up all hope? To live a life beyond belief you have to embrace your desperation.

In Matthew chapter 14 the disciples are on a boat in the middle of a stormy night when they see Jesus walking on water. Jesus asks one of the disciples, Peter, to walk out on the water with him. Peter steps out onto the choppy waters and begins walking towards Jesus. Peter begins walking towards Jesus but as soon as he looks down at the waves below his feet he starts sinking. I think the big reason that Peter begins to sink is because he starts trying to walk on his own. When he starts walking he is helplessly dependent on Jesus to stay above water but he soon tries to take each step by his own ability. The bad news for Peter is that he has no inherent ability to walk on water. As he looks around at the churning waves he is overwhelmed again with desperation and he cries out "Master, save me!"

I love Jesus’s response in verse 31:

Jesus didn't hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?"

When I started Empty I felt like God was calling me out on the stormy sea to walk with him. When I stepped out and started working on the project I felt the thrill and fear of walking on water towards God. The work was very exciting until I tried to walk on my own. Once I looked around I was reminded how desperately unprepared I was to make a short film and I started sinking like a rock. In life God is calling you into desperate situations. And as long as you keep looking to him, keep depending on him, he will keep your head above water. But as soon as you start looking around or trying to somehow float on your own you start sinking.

The tough truth is that in order to live a life beyond belief you are going to take some bad falls on the sea of life. On your walk towards Christ you are going to choke on gallons of salt water and there will be times when you're sure you are about to drown. The incredible news is that Jesus doesn't hesitate for one second to rescue us. There were countless times during the filming of Empty when I tried to walk on my own and had to cry out "Master, save me!" Amazingly, Jesus grabs our hand every time we call to him. God has promised he will save us from our desperate situation time and time again, but not until we admit our desperation and ask for rescue.

This Summer I am getting married and moving from Texas to Los Angeles. God answered my cries of desperation by bringing me to a film program in LA where I will get to enjoy and develop my passion for filmmaking. The beautiful dilemma is that God rescued me from one situation only to put me into another desperate situation. I have no idea where I will live, who I will meet, how I will be able make a living. The reality of my new but equally desperate situation dawns on me and I begin to worry. Sometimes I go a few hours trying to rescue myself, other times I got weeks or months. But I always reach this point where I accept my desperation and finally cry out, "Master, save me!"

All of life is a beautiful story of how badly you need a father to save you from your overwhelming circumstances. Like the child who tries to fix his own problems, we often make things even worse on our own. You can choose to treat your desperation as a disease that can be cured but my prayer is that you grow to view desperation not as a curse but as a gift. Your desperation is the greatest gift God ever gave you to understand just how badly you need him to live out the life you've always dreamed of.