more reflections on the past 10 years, again
i can't really remember if i typed this here already and it's getting a bit painful scrolling through my updates from early 2024, i mean it's been a few months but i feel like my mindset is warped and time is warped rn
i'm just gonna type it again so i internalise it and acknowledge my past actions
in 2015, i think after you told me that you liked her, which i already guessed, it just spiralled down a lot, i was so so so upset from it and it just fuelled my thoughts of me not being good enough, which i already felt a lot at that point. then i started seeking external approval and validation from other people or things i guess, which is kind of what motivated me to study a bit harder for Os and etc. but more importantly i think it affected how i viewed myself a lot, so i just sucked in all the affirmation and validation i could get from someone else when you were busy playing your games, and that was a huge mistake because that led to 2016 me being in such a toxic rs, and honestly he was smart at manipulating me and trying to get a hold of me and trying to smartly comfort me when things were bad so it would look like i could rely on him, and honestly it's so stupid now that i've opened my eyes to it, but yea
2016 me was just really so upset all the time and i never properly actually moved on from you, i just pretended i did. and i got degraded at every other opportunity possible, and i just really felt that i had no control over what i could say or do and i mean that was clear from the long list of things i shouldn't be doing, such as crying in public or wearing my jacket the other way round. did i mention that he also tried to turn me against my bro just cuz my bro was a guy? my bro was literally 7 at that point and when i woke the fuck up i felt so so fucking bad for locking my bro out for one whole year. yea and i mean in 2016 we also fought a lot and yet we talked more towards the end, and i really felt that there was a chance we could get back tgt i guess. but i decided to pull back and stop myself in 2017 ish, when we felt too close to be true, because i felt like you'd hate me if i told you the truth about what happened in 2016, which made me hate myself a lot because i had so little control over what i did that i just let so many things happen, well, at least i had the guts to say no pics or videos of myself after everything, that would have been horrible cuz everytime i see stories of revenge porn it makes me so uncomfortable bec that could have been me and i hate it. anyway so that happened and that's why i just felt like 2017 me could never get back with you
and 2017 me just decided to run to the next possible thing that would have given me some sort of validation, which was someone who was clearly ostracised by the cohort bc of his own actions, and somehow i believed things would change, i believed i could change him, and i was wrong i guess, because it was so toxic and horrible but i couldn't leave again. plus, he would have been a decent gateway back into meeting sst people that i left in 2016, like if there was a class reunion, i may have very well been fine just going with him, and then i could meet you again, yay. but i mean we were also still talking a lot during that time, i just really couldn't bring myself to go no contact even though i should have, and we both know that i was still deeply in love with you and i couldn't have helped it, i wouldn't have stopped talking to you even tho he was so so so angry about it all the time (well, rightfully so hahah i mean i would be too if i were him, but i felt like he had no rights to say this back then because he was always talking to so many other ppl la). and well, i mean, me being me, i hated my body so i just let him do whatever he wanted anyway, though most times there would be nothing, other than the time he asked me to send pics and i really did (lol). and also this plus 2016 just ruined my self esteem ofc, with all the diff blow ups and anger issues and etc. in 2017, i really felt like i didn’t deserve all the good things that happened, because he would be upset that i did well, he would get upset when i scored better or got into a subcomm before he did, etc.
then that ended, and 2018 happened. i apologised a bit to you in 2017, we never truly talked it out properly but i hinted at some stuff i guess. everything hurt so much i just gave up and just went with the flow, with a talking stage in the first half of the year, cuz i liked the attention and love, though i realised it was love bombing later. and then i mean another rs yet again, because i got tipsy and said yes (honestly wtf) and honestly again i just needed that validation. regrets? idk but it was a lot of anger management problems too, a lot of fighting. this time i was smart enough to not bring you up, and actually even now i don't. the rs only went on because we had to work tgt for a proj, and aft that it was like bec of poly clique and i didn't want to ruin friendships before grad trip. but honestly i wish i realised earlier i guess. it sucked. so much. i hated myself even more aft this ngl, and the way it ended was horrible because it was just me dragging things out for no reason even tho the end was obvious, and well, yeah. then ofc i mean because i'm me, there's more elements of me saying no to things but ending up doing it because i didn't have much of a say, and honestly??? i can't even feel anything anymore i'm just really numb and i hate myself for admitting this but it's all fake everything is fake and well, i already said this but i hate my body anyways. well anyway there was also ess and i dreaded a lot of things and it affected my role as pres because i could never give him bad feedback or rather no one could criticise his hard work without me being scolded too. and also there was fyp and stuff, i also didn’t mention this much before but i felt like i didn’t deserve my 2018 module prize for our pair work bc he made me feel like shit for it. this made me feel less motivated to work for fyp and to work for my dreams but ding ding so many red flags and i didn’t break up yet
then end 2019, went to japan, convinced myself that it was time to end that, and plus convinced myself that every small heart fluttering i felt for someone else was real, i mean i think it was to some extent ba, but i can't deny that i still hadn't gotten over you at that point, esp with all the random talks and stuff that we had, like in sep 2019 when we met for shake shack at jewel, etc. honestly idk i guess it felt like a safe option and it still is, i mean, well, i think i can imagine a future somewhat, but well, everyone after you isn't you. but yeah maybe i'll reflect more on this if/when it ends i guess. though it almost did in 2023 because i started to realise how much i hadn't been alone, and how much i put up with, partially due to covid and due to the fact that i guess i was just tired and scared of opening up to new people yet again that i was okay just holding on. plus there's the whole meet the family alr kind of thing. i mean well i could see a future it's fine it's just idk i just feel so sigh sometimes when i think about 2023 and the constant arguments.
also i guess there's the portion on how we always end up talking and i apologise and end up doing the same thing (i.e. hurting you) and stuff, and i never could articulate why i treated you this way, until this year. so many things i wanted to tell you but i couldn't until this year. all the times we talked, went no contact, i felt like i couldn't understand you, i felt like i was getting too far away with each new rs i got into, well, the whole cycle, and me just breaking down and crying to other ppl about you without telling them i was talking about you, just said i was sad over something i couldn't explain. well it's kinda true because i can't explain these feelings but then yeah. i mean idk i know you said it felt like we were far away from each other too and maybe you didn't understand me, but i guess it's the same for me and i really couldn't understand you at some point, right now it still feels like there's things i will never get to see about you, a side i don't know.
it's been about a month minus 2 ish days since we started talking again this year, i learnt so many new things about you already, so many experiences, and i feel the highs again, everytime i see your name pop up on my phone. i hate the feeling i get, but i can't stop it, and i can't stop replying because i'm so terrified that i will never get to talk to you ever again. i really really don't know what's going to happen in the coming months or years ahead, and i don't know what i'd do if i see you again irl. sure i tried my very best to make a chance encounter happen in jan 2024, by going to jp and making up excuses, well it's not 100% excuses since it was valid that my sis would go there after event and i wanted to go life4cut anyway, but yeah, was just hoping for a chance encounter, which kind of happened, it's just that we didn't talk obviously
but yeah, idk ba, just wanted to type it all down to internalise how i feel and also to remind myself again that i'll never be good enough for you and i'm sure you'd never ever want to take me back, i mean i know this already, which is why it was fine that i said all these things to you this year too.
sigh