Discover Top Posts Tagged with #beatriceblaze

Steady As She Goes || Bea and Kaden

TIMING: After Cabin in the Woods and before Kaden got shot LOCATION: The woods PARTIES: @beatrice-blaze and @chasseurdeloup SUMMARY: Kaden tries to teach Bea how to use a gun. It goes as well as all his other shooting lessons have gone.

Without her fire magic, Bea felt vulnerable. The weapons that Felix had given her helped ease some of the anxiety she had struggled with. While he was teaching her to use them, Bea was sure it couldn’t hurt to ask other people for help as well. Kaden had led her into the woods and Bea had to force down the anxiety building in her. She had once claimed these woods as a place of sanctuary and now she looked over her shoulders for monsters, human and otherwise. As she shook the tension out of her shoulders, she looked over to Kaden,“So where do we start?”

Kaden never had trouble picking through the woods to find the clearing in the woods by the outskirts. It was a near perfect spot for training, but it was becoming more and more loaded. Blanche, Mina, and now Bea. There was no way this was going to go smoothly and easily. At least this time he expected it to go poorly. He was ready to stop training and go get some food at any minute. But Bea asked him for help and as sure as he was that this would go south or derail, he was going to help her as best as he could. “Well first off, I think we start with a pistol. You know how to load it? All that? If not, that’s where we start.” Every part of him wanted to ask how she was, talk about… everything, but that’s not what she came here for. He could tap into hunter mode for her if that’s what she needed. It wouldn’t be like Blanche.

There was only so much in the world that Bea could control. For years she had clung to this false sense of control she had over people and the world. She had thought that nothing bad would happen if she was the one pulling the strings. And yet she had still died. Bea still struggled with that control, she still wanted it so badly. This was one of her ways to control things around her. She could control what she was able to do and had to hope that everything else worked out in her favor. “Felix showed me when he gave me my gun, yeah. I figured coming to you would be a good idea too.” Why not go to all the people she knew to help her when it came to protecting herself. “I haven’t gotten much practice though. Not with everything that’s been happening the last few months, Felix and I have been so busy.”

His brow raised when he heard that she already had her own gun. Kaden didn’t know a whole lot about Felix but he supposed it wasn’t too hard to imagine the man knew where to acquire a gun and had no qualms handing one to Bea. He had helped them blow up a restaurant and had easy enough access to supernatural (and likely non supernatural) drugs, made sense he was comfortable enough with firearms. “Good, guess we can skip those basics, then.” He led her over to the line up of bottles and got her set up to start. “Yeah, makes sense. Look, at least I know this can’t go as badly as when I was out here with Blanche. Right after--” The words caught in his throat. He’d almost forgotten why he crumbled the last time he had been out here teaching someone to shoot. It was almost easy to do so when part of the reason had seemingly been erased and was standing right next to him.

“Don’t make that face,” Bea laughed. “He gave me a knife too. It makes me feel safer when I’m out without him, my sisters, or you.” She couldn’t spend her whole life attached at the hip to one of them. She was far too independent for that and she refused to be a burden to her loved ones like that. Bea watched Kaden with rapt attention as he helped her set up. She had been taught some things, yes, but she wasn’t comfortable with a gun in her hand yet. She was sure that would come with time and practice. As he cut himself off, she turned to look at him,“Right after what?” Her chest tightened as she wondered if she had been the reason that things had gone poorly last time. It worsened when she thought that maybe he hadn’t been telling her things because he didn’t think she could handle them anymore.

“Sorry, I’m used to you requesting my weapons at the door and shit. This is new.” Kaden didn’t know if that meant it was worse. Hell, he was different than he was when they first met, there was no denying that. And he didn’t fucking know if that mad him better or worse yet. Guess they’d find out together. Kaden was prepared to get lost in training, just sink back into his old rhythm, no emotions, just everything he knew black and white. That was until she pressed him. He froze and clenched his jaw, trying to keep back the lump forming in his throat already. Maybe this clearing was bad luck. “You know,” he said. He didn’t want to say it aloud. But no, he had to. Because it wasn’t just her death, that wasn’t the only weight that had crushed him those few weeks and it came rushing back like a tidal wave. He let out a breath and elaborated. “Right after I had to banish my mother’s spirit. And then you died. And then Celeste died.” The words hung in the air a moment, nothing but silence around them. Not even the birds seemed to cut the quiet. “Come on. We came here to shoot things.” He refused to break down here a second time.

“I might still request that if you annoy me,” Bea replied with a smirk. She knew for a fact she wouldn’t. No, now weapons weren’t just annoyances that she wanted to avoid, they were security and a way to feel safe. She didn’t look at a blade with contempt any longer, now, as long as it was held by a trusted friend, she saw an out. She had come unprepared to that fight with the Hunter and if she had had a gun on her rather than relying on her magic solely she might have survived. She reached out to him, a hand softly placed on his arm. She hadn’t touched him so freely in months. It had felt unnatural to her then, but she had slowly started to come back into herself. “Right after you lost everyone,” She summarized after a moment. “Thank you for coming back here then.” She didn’t want to consider how much it took out of him to be here after all of that. She nodded, “Right, we’re here to shoot.” She made sure that everything was out of the way before going for her first shot. As the ring of the gun rolled through that clearing, Bea couldn’t help but think over Kaden’s words again. She had never considered owning a gun before. She had thought of them as loud, inelegant things. Now she clung to one as a lifeline. Blinking rapidly, Bea tried to ignore the burn in her eyes. She hadn’t come here to mourn over parts of herself she had lost.

“Sure. I think you just want to be the only one with a knife at dinner.” Kaden wasn’t sure the joke landed. Dinners at the Vural’s hadn’t happened since, well, since any of it. It made sense. But it was a clear line between before and after. That line that was always drawn between memories. Before and after loss. It was like the color was different in his mind every time. The memories before with Bea had been warm tinted, nothing but warmth. Things had changed. He thought he was just imagining it, simply remembering some moment until he noticed that her hand was actually on his shoulder. He felt tears pricking the corners of his eyes already. It was still strange to remember all the grief of when she was dead when she was standing there in front of him. Honestly, it made him feel a little silly, like he’d wasted time being upset when-- “It’s the best place I’ve found to shoot,” he replied simply, swallowing it all back, the lump in his throat, any threat of tears, any uncomfortable emotion. Deep inhale, slow exhale as he watched her set up. Funny, she should be the one trying to clear her head, she was the one shooting. She squared up, took a decent shot. “Not bad. You need to watch your stance, though,” he said. All he could think of was his mother, her words and how she would shut down and mask any feeling when it came time to perfect hunting skills. And she did in fact expect perfection or something close to it. Did he really want to be that? He tried to roll his shoulders back, push it away. Then he saw Bea. Properly. “You alright? We can stop at any time.”

“Can you blame me for that?” Bea asked with a grin. She hadn’t had anyone over for dinner in months and at the mention of it, she missed it. She missed making their favorite foods and forcing them to take home leftovers so they didn’t have to cook the next day. “I should have people over for dinner soon,” She said quietly, half to herself. It would be nice to have people in the house again. Maybe it would get rid of the cold feeling that had taken over the house. If she was lucky, it would start thawing out the relationships she had too. She had noticed, of course, how people interacted with her now. How they saw her as someone new and didn’t know how to be around her anymore. Kaden had gotten better as they saw each other more, but she had felt it the first time they saw each other after everything. She felt it with so many people now, even those who didn’t know. She lowered the pistol, looking at the bottles she shot at. “I never wanted to shoot a gun before,” She said softly. “Now I own one and I didn’t even think about it until now.”

“You should,” Kaden replied. It rang a little hollow. The last time he’d been in her house was when Nell told him. He hadn’t believed it. Putain. He thought he was over it. He should be over it. She was back. It was fine. So why did the thought of stepping back into the Vural house, seeing her kitchen, hit him like a ton of bricks? He sniffed and brushed off his cheek. He knew it wasn’t raining, but he was going to pretend that was the reason for the drop there. “It’d be good to, uh, you know, reset or something. Replace all the negative moments that happened when you were gone.” He knew she’d been a ghost but he had no idea how much she had really been around, how much she had really seen. This was a bad idea. This whole endeavor. Everything was too emotionally charged. He should have known better. “Hey. It’s alright.” Kaden reached out and touched her shoulder, hoping to steady them both, ground them. “Things change.”

“It’s hard to know how to start with that. Blanche hasn’t seen me in months, we used to be close you know? Lots of people have these memories of mourning me and I don’t know how to stop that. I don’t know how to fix it anymore.” Hadn’t she always been able to find a way to fix things? Bea was stuck, not knowing where to begin when it came to reintroducing herself to people she loved. There was no handbook for dealing with the trauma of being dead for weeks, of mourning yourself. There was no road map for her friends and family to know how to deal with her being back. So instead of anything being better, they were all stuck stagnant hoping that one day things will feel better on its own. They all ignore the implication that these things took work and contact, unwilling to be the first to reach out and force something that was once natural.

It took cool, measured movements for Bea to place everything down safely. She wasn’t going to sacrifice gun safety just because she was feeling a little bit bluer than she anticipated. She had thought that this would make her feel powerful, make her feel better than she had walked in with. Yet, here she was, hands shaking as she realized just how charged the air had become after a single shot. She looked toward Kaden, one of the only people who knew and still tried to make this work. “Do they usually change this much? I know I’m like a different person. I know everyone’s been thinking it. I’m a stranger to everyone now,” Her lips pressed, eyes filling up again as she blinked angrily. “I used to be warm and alive.” How one sentence, thought but rarely spoken aloud, could make Bea feel like the world was pressing down on her shoulders was a mystery. She sniffed, trying to ignore the ache of her chest. “I thought I was getting better,” She whispered, sorrow pouring over each word as she looked down at her hands. She had been smiling more, laughing more, and a single shot brushed it away. It nearly brought her to her knees.

“She hasn’t?” Kaden couldn’t imagine. The first thing he wanted to do when he heard about Bea coming back was see her. Then again, he hadn’t seen her since before she died. And wasn’t there for the hard part. Of any of it. Maybe it did make some sense that Blanche needed time. “You can’t stop it, Bea. And it won’t--” The mourning had happened and it was confusing to have to step back, forget it. It couldn’t be erased. Standing where he had collapsed so soon after she-- It couldn’t be erased from his mind nor the pain scrubbed from his heart. Her sisters had to have felt it all, stronger and deeper. Still, the mourning hadn’t hit him as hard as one word, one singular word she’d said. The same stupid word he kept saying, kept promising. “Fix.” How did she fix this? “You don’t need to fix it, Bea. Sometimes you can’t--” Kaden wasn’t sure what pain was pooling up from the depths, which stupid shit was punching him in the gut. He told Regan he’d help fix her. He told Nadia he’d help fix her. Could he lie to Bea, too?

“I don’t know. Most times I lose people and they don’t come back.” It was meant to be a joke, but the tears burned his eyes almost instantly. He blinked them away as best he could. He shook his head and met her eyes. “I don’t give a shit if you’re the exact same person, Bea, I don’t. You’re here. You’re still here and, and--” Kaden reached out to take her hand, turning it over in his. It was shaking, he could feel it, but he also held his hand to her wrist and pressed against her pulse. “You feel that? You’re alive. You’re alive.” Something he could still barely believe. He could feel more stupid tears tumbling down his cheeks and he wished he could just look at her and see his friend and not have to be reminded of all the fucking trauma that they’d all gone through. “You’re not a stranger, Bea. You’re not. You-- you were there for me every time I asked. Sometimes when I fucking didn’t. So maybe now it doesn't show up the same.” Like her magic, it was changed, there was no denying it. “But I haven’t doubted that fact once. Not once. Tell me if I’m wrong. Fucking tell me if you don’t have my back anymore. But I have yours. I’m not walking away because shit’s a little different.”

“I can’t blame her for not wanting to see me. I asked way too much of her with everything. I promised to never be one of those people who put that much pressure on her, but I ended up breaking that promise.” Bea got flashbacks every once in a while of Blanche asking her not to do something as a ghost and Bea ignoring her. She knew that Blanche was under so much stress already and she had still pulled her into the mess. So many people had disappointed Blanche and Bea had never wanted to add her name to that list, but she had. She took in a staggering breath, “I have always been able to fix my mistakes. I’ve been able to fix how people look at me, how they see me, but I don’t know how to anymore and I’ve always had to.” How many times had her mother drilled it into her head that she had to be perfect to everyone? Bea’s entire life had been built upon always fixing the mistakes that made her appear weak or flawed. Now for months she had been that to everyone around her. It was easy to forget sometimes, easy to slip into this person that didn’t care. She couldn’t decide who she was anymore, between those people. Caring what they thought had shaped her entire life, but letting go of that and being someone that could be feared instead of loved had become something of an armor. There were days where it felt like there were two Beas, both trying to control her body and she didn’t know what to do or even who she was.

According to the Council, she never should have come back. To them, she should have moved on and never brought people into her plan. She didn’t know if that would have been easier for everyone, but there was no going back. She couldn’t fix the fracture she had created in her family. Her eyes squeezed shut as he held her wrist, tears slipping from between tightly held lids. She could feel it. She could feel her heart. She could feel his fingers pressed against her skin. “I’m alive. I can feel it.” She was alive, so why didn't she feel like it. Why did she feel so strange? This had gotten better in last month, but still there were some days that Bea felt as though she could fade away if no one was looking. She leaned her head forward as sobs started to shake her. “I have your back,” She told him, her voice choked. “I have everyone’s backs. I do.” She would do anything for the people she loved. She had always been willing to do anything for them. It was perhaps the only thing she had in common with the woman she was in May.

The words hit him like another gut punch, of a different variety this time. Kaden couldn’t argue with her. But he also couldn’t say he didn’t put too much on Blanche either. Hell the last time he was here, he’d put way too much on her. All his grief had come spilling out and she was left to pick up the pieces. “Maybe so but I doubt she’d ever take it back.” Kaden would have to remember just how much of a break Blanche needed, maybe force her to take it. For now, he had his friend in front of him, desperately hoping for a way to fix things, a feeling he knew all too well. But he didn’t have a clue where to start. He tried to let the words sink in. “Had to,” that’s what she’d said. All he could remember was her obsessing over what to wear to the Silver Bullet, how concerned she was about how people saw her, even just to go visit a hunter bar. “You don’t have to be perfect, Bea. You can make mistakes and let the cards fall.”

Kaden had every intention of dropping his hand from her wrist, but it lingered. Feeling her heartbeat beneath his fingers, pulsing through her skin, it was something so simple, but god it was unreal right then. He knew before it that she was alive and back, sure, he knew, Something so simple as a pulse pulled things into perspective. Reminded him that it wasn’t a dream. “Good. That’s good. You-- you believe it, right?” He gave her hand a squeeze before letting his own fall away. “You know if you fall, I’m going to be there as best as I can. I don’t know much, but I know that. Your sisters will be there, too. It doesn’t matter if you’re perfect as long as you’re here. It’s enough, Bea. You’re enough.” Kaden was damn sure she didn’t need to hear it from him of all people, if at all, but here he was in the middle of the woods telling her anyway like some big idiot. He’d be fucking lying if he said he didn’t wish he could go back to having the Bea who had never died, had never had to go through all that, come back from the dead, have his friend back. The one who was able to pull him off the edge, force him to see the bigger picture. But he didn’t honestly believe there was nothing left of her, nothing of her that wasn’t his friend before. If he was the one to have pull her off the edge for once, so be it.

Kaden was right and Bea knew it, no matter what had happened she was sure that Blanche wouldn’t take it back. The medium was the type of person who gave far too much of herself to the people around her. Blanche was far too good for a person who struggled like she did. Bea hated that she had put anymore weight onto Blanche’s shoulders. Her mouth tightened, flattening into a line. She had always needed to be perfect. Even as a child she had woken up hours before school just to perfect the way her hair fell, by twelve she had been using makeup. There had been little room for anything less than perfect. She had obsessed over it, just to make her mother happy. And even though she had been as perfect as she could be, there was nothing that stopped the way her life had gone. She had still died and she was still kicked out of her coven, even though she had tried to seem perfect. “I don’t just let things fall, Kaden. I’m meant to be the one who doesn’t make mistakes. I should be the one fixing things for my sisters, not the other way around.” She had never been the person who needed this much help and she could barely understand that she was the person she was. “My mistakes ruined my sisters’ lives. We were excommunicated because of the ritual.”

She nodded. She did believe she was alive, but she didn’t know how long that would last. She didn’t know what next would set her off or if anyone would be there to help ground her. As much as she tried to do it herself, without someone else it was so difficult to remind herself that she wasn’t going to fade away. But even when she knew that she wasn’t going to fade away, she felt like an imposter. Trying to fill your own shoes was much harder than anyone had ever said. Being enough didn’t sit right with her, not when she wanted to be more, but her options were limited, especially with how she was now. A comparison struck her and a watery, half-hearted laugh broke out, “I’m having a fucking mid life crisis right now, aren’t I?” The humor of the thought warmed her chest slightly and slowed her tears, but didn’t rid the field of the melancholy feel. She cast her eyes to the sky, humming softly in her throat. “There are these parts of myself that are broken apart and I don’t know how to bring them back together. I don’t know where the whole me is and for now all I have are these fragments of what I am.”

“Says fucking who? Who told you you can’t make mistakes? Fuck them. They don’t--” The words excommunicated cut through his tirade like a knife, the word hanging in the air, almost ringing through the silence of the forest surrounding them. Kaden had lost his family through unfortunate circumstances. They didn’t choose to leave him, not really. He knew that hunters stuck together through thick and thin, short lived as their lives may be. He couldn’t imagine choosing to cut ties, purposely giving up on someone for their choices, choices that seemed like the sole choice available. “You didn’t ruin their lives,” was all he could mumble. “I saw them when you were gone, Bea. They didn’t-- Coming back didn’t ruin their lives.” He wasn’t sure what it did ruin fully yet, it definitely disrupted things, but ruin? It was the wrong word, he felt that deep in his core. It was the wrong word. Bea being alive couldn’t ruin anything. “I’m sorry.” She didn't deserve this, not from family. None of the sisters did. They needed support, not abandonment.

Watching his friend break down, Kaden felt picks sting at the corner of his eyes. Shit like this he always wished he could be more helpful, say the right things, solve problems. He was never sure he quite managed. “I think technically speaking it’s a post-life crisis,” he added with a half hearted smile, glad for the momentary respite from the heaviness. Kaden reached out and gripped her shoulder, hoping to steady both of them a little more. He could feel the warmth of her skin, her pulse pumping through, much faster than Regan’s did now. Funny how despite dying, she felt more alive than his own girlfriend. And here she was questioning that fact. “I don’t think I’m the one to tell you how to solve all that,” he said with a sigh. Her words sounded all too familiar. “Hunting used to make sense. It’s, I mean everything is confusing now. And I feel like who I want to be isn’t who I was. Or am. Or wanted to be before or--” He shook his head, trying to find what he was even saying anymore. “My point is I’m fucking lost, too. I think-- I think that’s okay. Pick the pieces you like. Leave the rest.” He knew it was easier said than done, but it sure sounded nice.

Silence had become an unfortunate companion of Bea’s. As a ghost it had been the only thing that kept her company and now it stretched between her and the people she loved. There wasn’t much anyone could say when Bea talked about how far her life had crumbled. As Kaden’s silence sat between them, her heart began to ache for him. He was trying so hard to make her feel better about something that only she could fix. Laying her hand on his arm, she squeezed softly, knowing that it would do little to rid the sorrow she was sure he was feeling for her. She couldn’t agree that she didn’t ruin her sisters’ lives, but she decided not to argue now. Not when the energy she had left in her was waning. “They basically called me a monster at the trial and my mom let them.” Her mouth was dry,“She used to call me her star and she let go of me so easily. She wasn’t always good to my sisters, but she had always been good to me.”

It took her a moment, but Bea let out a loud, watery laugh. “Post-life crisis. Holy Hell, I’m having a post-life crisis,” She got out between her laughter. As heavy as she felt now, at least she knew that she wasn’t the only person who wasn’t sure what to do with their lives now. The unending loneliness she had felt when she was dead, and had carried on as she finally lived again, had slowly begun to peel away. “Well, at least we have good company for this. Good to know that neither of us are sure who we are anymore,” She tried to say it lightly, but the crack in her voice betrayed how hard that was to say. Leave the rest. She wasn’t sure she could do that, she hadn’t ever been good at just leaving things be. It felt impossible to admit that things would never be the same again, but maybe one day she would be able to. She had conquered the impossible before.

“I’m so sorry, Bea.” As she gave his arm a small squeeze, Kaden wished with everything he had that he wasn’t complete shit at comforting people. All he could manage was to place his own hand on top of hers and squeeze it back. He couldn’t think of his friend as a monster, not ever. The thought that her mother could even imply it was, it was unfathomable. For every piece of his parents that he had begun to pick at in his mind, he never once doubted that they loved him. Disappointment, that he could predict form them, even disowning him. But he felt deep in his bones they’d try to bring him back into the fold before abandoning him. Given the choice. “None of you deserve that. Not after--” Not after the harrows they went through. Her mother wasn’t even there to see it, to feel the pain and the loss. Maybe it was better she didn’t. He didn’t know. He supposed it didn’t matter much now how well or how little he knew her mother, she wasn’t going to be a huge part of their lives much anymore, was she? “Just because she-- I’m not letting go that easily, got it? I don’t have--” He couldn’t say it. He didn’t want to feel the sting of the words piercing through him, saying aloud that he didn’t really have any family left. And it felt almost cruel to bring up in comparison. But still, all the dinners at Bea’s house, it felt like so long ago now but some part of Bea felt like family. He couldn’t explain it. It didn’t matter if he could put it into words, though. He could feel it. “You’re just stuck with me, alright. You made the mistake of making me give a shit. No getting rid of me now.” One more squeeze before he let his hand drop.

“You sure are,” he said, laughing with her, drinking in the short lived moment of relief from the heaviness of the rest of their exchange. He knew damn well that if a younger version of himself saw who he was now, he’d be confused and shocked. No doubt it would be worse for her. “Guess so,” he said, exhaling, hoping it would mask the small pricks of terror in his voice at the thought of changing so much. “You think I can blame this on you?” he said, nudging her with his elbow. “I mean, you had me real confused in the beginning, thinking you were a werewolf. I don’t know, maybe this whole change shit is your fault. Ever think of that?” He played but honestly? She was part of it. Not as directly as some, but having people that he cared about it-- well it was different than his life had been before. He let out another deep sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. “What do you say we try this again another day and just go to Al’s or something? Blanche swears the milkshakes help. I think she just likes tormenting me.”

When thinking of her parents, Bea was getting used to disappointment staining the edges of good memories. If she had known that her life would lead up to this, she wasn’t sure she would have tried so hard to be perfect for her mother. She watched as Kaden tried to collect his thoughts and say something to her, sympathy and guilt mixing in her stomach. His parents were gone and she was sure it was hard for him to understand what was happening to her and her sisters. She let out a soft, surprised laugh,“I’m not sorry I forced you to be my friend.” Kaden and her, in some ways, became friends at the perfect time. They needed each other, to understand the path they walked and to call out the bullshit they tried. She was lucky he decided to stick around after everything. “You know, I’ll take the blame,” She answered, her voice finally losing it’s watery edge. She had certainly been blamed for worse things. The change he was going through wasn’t a bad one, but she understood how absolutely terrifying it was to feel yourself morph into something you never imagined. “Milkshakes do help, Blanche is right. Leah and I get milkshakes all the time.” She paused for a moment, a sad smile playing over her face once again,“Thanks, Kaden, for being here.” She had lost parts of her family, but she had so many people who never gave up on her. There was power in picking her own family, she just had to get used to it.

#beatriceblaze

Trending Tags

Recently Viewed Tags

#beatriceblaze