#beatricethexv

[beatricethexv]

one of those girls

i remember sitting with him

in the darkened room 

he was gluing my pop socket back on

& i simply told him i thought he might break up with me

that i had gone too far 

been too crazy

it wasnt the first time i was crazy

it wouldnt be the last time i thought he might break up

because guys like him

they usually go for the girls that are not like me

the pretty pictured 

blonde haired

the ones so effortlessly effortless

they dont stay up at night wondering if they had gone insane

only to wake up in the morning 

regretting the babble that spit out of their mouths the night before

guys like him dont go for girls like me

it just doesnt simply happen

so 

i mentioned he may want to break up

and in that room

he grabbed my hands 

leaned forward until his face was inches from mine

and reassured me he wasnt going to 

as he put hair behind my ear

and for a moment

a small moment

a moment nonetheless

i felt like one of those girls

[beatricethexv]

pain

i try to be one of those happy bitches

the ones that have sunflowers growing in their ribs

men fall in love with the way their hair flows

& they dont recoil at a man’s touch

instead

i am sad

i am heartbreak

i am a tornado

everyone runs away from me

few chase me

& i ruthlessly kill them 

leave them in my wake

i am pain

& i am not joy 

its too hard for me 

i am not happiness

it is to easy for me

[beatricethexv]

ghost

i know i have become a ghost

for all my past loves

the ones that never even got a chance to touch me right

my name has been past through so many lips 

i’ve become a folklore tale

my hauntings are only told in dark hallowed hallways 

of places i no longer resort to

and my past lovers are stuck there

unmoving 

unwavering

having to hear of my tales

as if i am a storm that has destroyed cities

a wildfire that has destroyed countries

or even the sun

that has destroyed much worse

i haunt them in their dreams

i know this because they once have haunted mine

[beatricethexv]

pride

i’ve never felt the need

to define my sexuality

maybe because i grew up 

thinking i was straight

but a part of me was scared

in the way i stared at a woman’s curves 

a little too long

now 

i think its beautiful 

in the way i stare at a woman’s curves

a little too long

because women are beautiful

and i’ll always find them so

i’ll pick a woman over a man any day

but not in the way of who i’d love

i think in another world

i am with a woman

she is bold and beautiful

and all so much something 

not of this world

and younger me was so scared 

of the inkling inside

now i am happy

am i gay?

bi? 

i couldnt tell you

because i don’t define myself in terms that others feel the need to use

i love women

i’m in love with a man

i choose who i love

by their character and soul

“just tell us what you are!”

gosh

mortal creatures are so interested in things that don’t matter

when we are six feet under

[beatricethexv]

that i stumbled upon him part I

he just makes me so incredibly happy

like an old pair of jeans

that you pull on knowing exactly what you’re getting

an old familiar smell of childhood

that brings a smile to your face

thats what he is

and its incredible

because people see us

and we are so young

so naively in love

so ignorantly happy

when they see us

they are confused

how we have somehow managed to find each other in such a dark world

and I can promise you this

it was a random Friday full of start-overs and promises to myself

that i stumbled upon him

[beatricethexv]

i don’t know how to write about love part I

i dont know how to write about love

about happiness

about feeling content

of joy

i have not been able to form poems of such gratitude.

i write what i know most of

sadness

hurt

pain

longing

loneliness

heartbreak

i feel uninspired when a man holds my heart

& feel miraculous when he breaks it

I only know of 

what ifs

and of

what could bes

but never this

this love

the love you give me so willingly 

this 

i dont know how to write about

[beatricethexv]

love is sick

i know why they are sickened by seeing us

in love

infatuated 

ignorantly oblivious 

so sporadically mischievous with each other

 stealing kisses like lost paintings

holding 

as if we are the most precious jewels in the world

and I get it

because if i saw us 

id be sick too

but that was before his flames melted my cold and aching heart

i swore id never be her

the girl that cares more about her lover

than anyone else in the entire world

who would do anything those blue eyes told her to

but that was before i met him

before i knew how it felt to be in his arms

before i knew how it felt to feel 

to feel his body crashing into mine

to feel the flutters

as he gazes 

to feel him in all his glory

[beatricethexv]

mine <3

“you’re the best thing that ever happened to me”

i say at 3am when even the birds are still asleep

i cling to you like you're a life raft 

and I am the ocean

and it’s true

i drive home in a haze

thinking about how 

kind

sweet

amazing

beautiful 

yes beautiful

you are

and i am so in love with you

and it makes me want to cry

because you are the best person

I have ever encountered 

because you’re mine 

all mine

no one else

mine

and i don’t know what i did

to get you in my life

but god

i wish i did it sooner