#beautiful views

[cocorossss]

[atlasworld7]

Journal 1

It’s like I’m doing everything right. I created a beautiful home for myself, and even though the neighborhood isn’t really to my liking, I know it’s temporary. I promised myself that next year I’ll move somewhere quieter, somewhere more peaceful, surrounded by trees and nature.

But what people don’t understand is how dark the beginning of this process really was.

Everyone left. And especially the main person I thought would at least check on me, just to see if I was okay… not once. I was in that darkness alone. Crying. Screaming to God. Trying to understand why everything and everyone seemed to disappear from my life at the exact moment I needed someone the most. Somehow, I still managed to get through it, but I did it carrying so much hate within myself—so much anger, sadness, regret, and pain.

Even to this very day, it feels like God removed everyone from my life, and fuck… it’s lonely. Sometimes unbearably lonely. But again, what choice do I have besides to continue to move forward.

I’m managing my health, well, kind of. My eating habits have been a little off because sometimes my work hours take such a toll on me that I’m completely exhausted by the time I get home, sometimes too exhausted to even cook. But I’m trying. I started with small goals: drinking more water, staying away from sugary drinks, making little changes where I can. I even realized I actually like Caesar salad lol.

I got a job that benefits me in so many ways. I have a car that gives me the freedom to travel wherever I want. I have my own home. I have stability. Slowly but surely, I’ve built so many of the things I once wished and prayed for.

But it’s like… fuck.

I got almost everything I wished for, but somehow I lost the one thing, the one person, I wanted to experience all of this with.

I don’t know what God’s plans are for me. I’m trying to trust Him, but fuck, mentally I’m drained. I’m tired of breathing in the past so vividly that it feels like it happened yesterday. I’m tired of replaying all those little moments in my head and thinking about everything I wish I had done differently.

Yes, both ends played a part. I understand that. But I can see my own actions too. I can recognize the things I did wrong, the moments I could’ve handled differently, and the ways I allowed my own struggles to affect something that meant so much to me. And that realization fucking hurts.

It feels like everywhere I go, something brings it all back again. A place. A song. A memory. A random moment. And suddenly, I’m right back there.

I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of pretending like nothing is wrong. I’m tired of carrying myself like I’m okay when inside I feel so fucking broken. But at the same time, I know I can’t give up. I know I have to keep pushing through this, even when I feel completely soulless.

And with all that being said, I know I have to create new goals for myself. I can’t allow my entire future to become a memorial to my past. I can miss what I lost. I can regret the things I did. I can wish things had happened differently. But I also have to accept that I’m still here.

Maybe now I have to figure out what I want from life, not for someone else, not for the life I thought I was going to have with someone, but for me.

I built the home. I got the job. I got the car. I’m working on my health.

Now I have to figure out how to rebuild me.

[noseysilverfox]

August 2026

[admaioraxo]

Malta 🇲🇹

[photographyandnature]

[beautifulbitch-3]

[colorladder]

VINEYARDS

[beautifulbitch-3]