#bebechaton

[mouthydoll]

true love, sweet, bouquet

thank you ^^

true love: do you believe in love at first sight?

not love, but i believe in a very strong attraction that can later on result in love

sweet: do you like candy and chocolate?

no, i adore it

bouquet: what's your favorite kind of flower?

roses and freesias (the later one because of one of my favourite mangas lol)

send me one of these ask thingies if you want (　´∀｀)

[itsdenis]

#bebechaton

[inkandmoonlight]

I learned something about myself today. I do have a lot of bitterness. I have had so many people turn their backs on me. And why? I start to question myself, my sanity. It's sad, really. I know I am a good person. I try my best to treat others with love and respect. I try to do the right thing. I fail sometimes. Hell, I fail a lot of the times. But I always assumed that the people I love will forgive me because they know my heart. So why do they leave? I question myself again. There has to be something wrong with me. It hurts so much to the point I push anyone and almost everyone new in my life away. I am so guarded to people. You can't trust anyone you just meet. That's normal. When you start a relationship of any kind with someone, they start with 0 trust. I feel like with me, they start with -100 trust. Which isn't fair to people. So that's where my bitterness comes in. I automatically assume the worst in people. ALWAYS.

Getting personal...

My best fucking friend stopped talking to me out of the blue. No explanation. It wasn't even gradual. One day, she just stopped. I have tried reaching out, asking why. But I don't even get a response. Five years and you just disappear from my life without a 'why'? You just continue on with your life. Old friends, same boyfriend, same house. The memories are still there. I have told you things I don't tell anyone. Do you EVER regret it? Do you even care? If I could just talk to you, the questions I would have...

My ex talked down to me constantly. Always made me feel worthless and weak. I was so strong before him. But after a couple drinks or one bad comment, I went from that strong girl to a submissive, helpless, scared child. I did anything he wanted and more. I got nothing in return, yet I stayed. Then, when I had finally had enough, I ended it. But it wasn't really over. Not for a long time. He slept with girls immediately after me. Lied about it. Had sex with my best friend. How could he do that to me? After all the nights, late conversations, 'I love you's? It makes me feel like everything everyone says is such bull shit.

We had been friends for years, me and this girl. Of course, we had a rough times. More then I had with any of my other friends. But I always forgave you. Always. But it kept happening. I ignored people when they said to cut you off completely. I knew you were just struggling and made mistakes. But you had a good heart. I still believe that now, but it is questionable. You slept with my ex. I forgave you. You lied to my face. I forgave you. The list goes on. I finally have distanced myself. But the question remains. How can someone hurt you so much after giving them so many chances?

And this, in general, refers to all the guys that have done this. Because this scenario has happened COUNTLESS times. It starts off great. Long talks, cute texts. Moments that give me hope, make me feel special. I feel like after all the bullshit, that this might be the one to fix me. Then it happens. What though, I have no idea. The talks slowly stop. The texts become fewer and uninterested. Then it ends and I never understand it. I have gotten to the point where I always just expect it. And in result to that, I push every guy away. I am just so afraid of it happening again that I would rather just end it then experience the hurt again. 

And finally, I act like my relationship with my dad (or lack thereof) doesn't bother me. But who am I kidding? I don't trust guys. I have never seen a long, functional, loving relationship thanks to him. Through cheating on my mom, he was cheating his family. If he really loved me and my sister, he wouldn't have done it. But he loved himself more. It was selfish and unfair. I'm not saying he hasn't learned. I'm not saying he hasn't changed or that I don't love him. I do. I just feel like jealous almost. His new wife and new family. He puts them first and shows them love and affection. Yet he expects me to reach out to him? Why do I always have to be the one to call? Or to visit? Sometimes it's nice to actually hear from him more then once a month...or two.

I really want to trust people. I know I should give people a change to earn that, and show me that they're different. But no one has shown me. No one has proven that they care enough to be loyal, loving, caring, respectful. I just want someone to be interested in getting to know me. And to treat me like I'm special. To take away this feeling that. But at this point it just feels like wishful thinking. I do care about and love everyone in my life.  Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate my friends and family. But I just wish that this bitterness I have toward letting in someone knew would go away. 

[inkandmoonlight]

ill take you on a date sweetie ;)

[inkandmoonlight]

i love one tree hill the ending was so sad i just really wanted lucas to come back wbu?

I love it too :) I have grown up with that show, it is definitely my favorite. And yes I can't express in words how heartbreakingly sad the last episode was! I cried like a baby -_- I agree about Lucas. I wish he had made another appearance. I'm disappointed, but overall I think it was a great episode. I can't wait for the rest of the season! But I am not ready for it to end :(

[waltzingwithfire]

Your blog is just amazing!

Aww thank you <3. I just checked out your blog and followed. I adore what you wrote about the latest episode <3. I'm still sat here in shock. That was actually a perfect way to bring closure to one of the most complex and most iconic characters of the show. Keith saying he was his ''plus one" and Dan saying to Nathan that they don't need to keep score. Perfection.

[inkandmoonlight]

your blog is perfect.

Aww, thank you! This made my day :)