#becomeher

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[lovestrengthdignity]

Becoming Her

"One day you are 17 planning for someday. Then slowly without you even noticing someday becomes today, then someday becomes yesterday… and this is the rest of your life"

I have posted this quote on social media numerous times. Some boy once commented saying it was from "One Tree Hill." I never looked into it because I never really cared where it was from. What I did care about was the quotes contents and how people related to it. Many people commented on how sad and scared it made them feel. How it was so true and so deep. That it made them want to get out and live their lives to fullest before "the rest of their lives" crept up on them. 

However, this quote does quite the opposite for me. I can honestly say my someday is my wedding. I have thought about it since I can remember. To be honest I haven't planned it all that much but I have always thought about it being one of the happiest days of my life. However beautiful I know my wedding will be I still image better days after it. My "the rest of my life" is the thing I looked forward to the most. Having a steady career, and family, holding my kids, vacationing, growing old, dying. 

Right now life seems like a panic rush of prep. Like a Kitchen at a 5 star restaurant. Lots of hustle and movement. Lots of directions be followed and orders being given. Food request going in and out. Dishes of all types to be made. Maybe an occasionally laugh at a coworker or a satisfactory smile at something you cooked but for the most part it was all work and a constant never ending hustle to get things finished. 

Hm. All these years I spent preparing for something later to come. As I reach one of my goals another starts. Constantly in school writing papers hustling to join clubs or all sorts, new professors, new peers, but at the end of the day it's all to reach one goal… graduation. There may be few small joys and vacations in between but its mostly a life filled of working for a degree to hopefully get me into a great career. It's chaos and confusion. It's… too much. I am ready for the rest of my life the calm after this storm. And though I should not want to rush my life the thought of getting out of the constant state of order chaos would is one of my few forms of peace. That and a dream.

This dream is all too familiar. I see a women she's either eating an ice cream cone, or holding a child, or riding a horse. She is gorgeous. Her hair blows in the wind. She was natural no hair extensions, fake nails, or makeup. Her clothes hung freely from her slender frame. Although her clothes and setting changes one thing doesn't. Her smile. Her smiles lights up her face the moon lights up the sky. When I see it an instant feeling of calmness and relief washes over my body. She is unbelievably happy. She does not look as though she has never been though anything for in some dreams I see her crossing her arms or fussing at a small child. But her smile is a smile of content. As if she is as happy as possible. She is strong in her wants, belief, and career goals. But she is soft and compassionate towards the small child she holds. Her heart seems so light and happy. I see her sometimes dance and make silly gestures. One dream she had to fire someone and it left her in crying and patting her eyes with a green cardigan. In all my dreams she never talks. Just motions. She is soft spoken and loving. She is Godly and full of dignity. She often laughs at herself with no fear of being made fun of or judge. She is amazing. When I was younger I used to wonder who she was. As I grew older I realized that she was me… well the women I wonder to be. She possessed the  traits I have always strived for both on the outside and in. She was the women I always wanted to be. She was me and I was dreaming about "the rest of my life." However I knew I would not be able to turn into over night. It would require lots of self reflection and work in order for me to become her… the person I was destined to be.