"And if you must die sweetheart die knowing your life was my lifes best part."
"There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy
And sad of eye
But very wise
Was he
And then one day
A magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings
This he said to me
“The greatest thing
You’ll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return”“
To love and be loved in return…
My want for love has always been pathetic. I begged God for it every night for many years until it was clear he’d only give it to me when he was ready. Even then I tried to go out and find it. There are so many joys in life. So many things that make you smile and laugh, but the warmth of love and the flutter of your heart when you see someone you adore is a feeling I craved… Too deeply.
I always felt no matter what I did, where I went, or how successful I was if I didn’t fall in love I’d be a failure. No matter how much society looked down on the belief of needing a man to be happy and no matter how many times I’ve tried to separate sex from love and just live without it my heart always yearned to love someone, and it took time for me to noticed that getting random men to fill my lovers position temporarily only made the yearning worse.
I know I already posted this morning and don't worry this post will be available for guest post as well... I felt the need to write again tonight because an unfamiliar and very frightening feeling has washed over me and has been occupying my heart. The happiness I feel the ever so slight daily filling of that void in my heart has caused whatever it is to occupy my mind as well. This has led to me not being able to sleep. So as usual here I am writing to get it all out. I will try not to make this post so mushy gushy bc I know someone you care more so about the events in my life than the actually feelings. As overwhelming as all these emotions I am currently feeling are... I’m so scared. Like really scared like to the point where thinking about him and how much I love him makes me cry. We've only known each other for a short period of time. I shouldn't feel this way. When I was with my ex I never conformed or changed myself because I knew the moment I got tired of him I would leave. I knew he was replaceable. However now with this guy the thought of not being enough not making him happy worries my mind and heart daily. What if he were to leave? Then what?
I do not see anyone else in my future but him. I couldn't even force the imagine of marrying someone else into my head. I've only known him for a couple months.... I have daydreamed about my wedding for years and the image of me and what I am wearing or how I look was always clear. But when it got to the groom it was always foggy. However now it was certain... too certain. Last night I dreamt of my wedding but when he saw me he was disappointed and left. I fell to the ground and the last thing I saw before I woke up was the chapel ceiling. I woke up at 2:47am and cried till 4:16. Because I know my fears are rational. I have been too busy trying to fix myself that I know I am too broken too damage too burdensome too needy to be with anyone especially not someone like him. Yet I don't tell him that because I don't want to lose him. I cooked for myself everyday two years sometimes I cooked for my entire floor yet here I was scared to make him a simple dish scared of his rejection I rather not do anything for him than do my best and it not be good enough.
So I cry afraid... terrified of the possibility of losing him of me not being enough. I often try to find flaws that would make me feel as though he too was as imperfect as me but even when I do they don't seem to measure to mine. I know this post sounds like I am an insecure girl but it's not that. He... Kris is it just so great. Maybe like hmm idk if I were a queen and he were a God. I could be the most beautiful smartest queen who ended world hunger and brought peace amongst all the countries but he would still be a God even if he were the laziest or meanest or dumbest of God's he was still a God and nothing I did or do could compare. Even now as his girlfriend I fear how he'd treat me around his friends will he hold my hand will he be proud to have me on his arm. Why does he feel the need to talk to other women when his presence alone is enough to suppress my every desire of someone of the opposite sex. Am I just a fling? A college girlfriend? who knows.
Then I am so thankful that God has finally given me the relief I have been begging for. In earlier post I talked about my honey moon and how i would cry for finally being done with miserable task of seeking out my soul mate. This feeling is much like that. I cry happy that I no longer have to look for him or daydream about him. Here he was in the flesh. Idk what the hell he has been doing but he is finally here. I look at him wondering after all these years why God could not have given him to me sooner. Oh the heartache and misery I would have dodged. I try not think about that too often be cause he was here now and that's all that matter. My heart felt relieved as if my days of loneliness were forever over. but i've only know him for a couple months...
Okay Okay, I know in guest post you are going to wonder what is soo special about this guy he has me feeling so... ridiculous well here comes the mushy gushy. She if you are one of the people who message me about my heart always causing me to make stupid chooses which then makes my blog annoying to read heres you key to stop lol.
Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Even now as I grow older the excitement of Christmas still remains. The colors, the smells, the love, it's all so perfect. At night I would anxiously lay awake thinking about tomorrow trying to force myself to sleep while staying awake to listen to santa. I thought about previous Christmas' and how amazing they were and if I had been good enough for the things I asked for. I wasn't sure what i was getting but I knew I would be satisfied when the day came. Luckily time determines when tomorrow came for if tomorrow only came if I feel asleep I would have never seen Christmas day. Kris is this experience... repeatedly. Yes every day was Christmas and every night was Christmas Eve with Kris. At night I stayed awake reminiscing on that days events whether we argued or we just made love and sat around. I replayed my absolute favorite moments and facial expression. I smiled in the dark as the images of his smile danced along through my head to the sound of his laughter. Sometimes I even laughed out loud remembering something he said earlier in the day. I then thought about the day before that day, then the week, then the month, then the first time we made love, to the first time we kissed, then to the first time we met. I replayed the way he kissed my body over in my head he was so gentle and new exactly where to touch me exactly where to kiss me the way he grabbed my body ugh sex with that man was incredible... but that's for a later time follow that link ( explicit post) My mind bounced all over the place. I pictured having his kids to making love with him on our honeymoon I pictured him hurt and sick and me helping him I pictured him fussing at me for something I had done wrong. I was so anxious to see him the next day to experience it all but much like a child on christmas eve I could not sleep the thought of him kept me awake. but much like I fell in love I fell asleep... slowly than all at once. (John Green FTW)
Kris was imperfectly perfect. His over dramatic story telling and exaggeration kept me so interested while at the same time took the pressure of me to talk. His sarcasm was pure wit which often got him in trouble. I loved his mannerisms and his passion for his hobbies. As much as I prefer the book store to the comic book store seeing him in his element his place of happiness made me happy… At least for the 1st 10 mins ;). Kris was everything I wasn’t. He was strong and made rational choices but at the same time he was gentle with me my and wants and needs. He was masculine but didn't feel the need to exert it. He worked hard and often. He made me laugh constantly till my ribs hurt. He was kind hearted. And if I was lucky I would get to witness the rare occasion when the jokes on him and my laughter is uncontrollable he makes this face of disapproval but with a smile and not an ounce of embarrassment while I die of laughter. Even when I want to dislike him it’s hard. What that smile does to my heart lord may he never know the power one of his hugs and kisses has I will forever push him away and pretend as though I dislike it. I stayed awake replaying all of this while thinking about the excitement for the future with Kris and much like Christmas Eve I wasn’t 100% sure what gifts god had left in Kris for me but I knew they’d make me happy and I looked forward to unwrapping them.
See! Not so mushy right! Guest post are open until July 1st! Write and Ask away! I love you guys thanks for reading!