Becoming Her

[lovestrengthdignity]

Well

it's over. I can't believe it's over. What a roller coaster ride and a fast one. Leaving him wasn't easy but staying was harder. I believe God blessed every women with intuition and mine is impeccable. After seeing a late night text from some girl on his' phone I went though it all of it. And the messages and cheating broke my heart... Angered me. I don't know the depth the relationships he had with these women idc. The lies and cover ups with dating profile on the Internet the nudes pics and videos that was enough for me. Valentine's Day was in two weeks but I didn't care. How could he? He gave me horrible excuses " I was bored" lol that's really his explanation. My gosh the messages from all different women from the beginning to the end of our relationship. What a jerk. And then I tried to stay tried to go on a "break" but now entering March I see that unlike him I can't be on the fence. Either I love someone with every bit of my heart or I don't. He claimed to love me but cheat i feel that's impossible like it's impossible for me to love him and hate him. So I'm out I packed up everything and stuffed it under my bed until I get far along enough emotionally to throw it out. I loved him. But it didn't matter my love wasn't enough. Love hurts it sucks I rather love my family and foods and places then other people. Can I adopt a kid and just love him? I don't want to ever do this again. I'll marry some rich guy who clearly doesn't love me but finds me attractive this way I can have pretty kids and live comfortable. Love doesn't exist. Not romantically at least. I say that but a small part of my hopes I meet someone who made me feel the way my true first love made me feel. I will right a post later on how I feel this is just an update of what's going on.

[lovestrengthdignity]

Idk! "Idk how I feel that's why I'm not posting!" That's what I've been telling you all. Now I realize that I've been lazy and cowardly. I know how I feel. I'm an emotional person. My feelings are present and obvious whether I want them to be or not. I'm depressed... Again. It's like some type of handicap. Always being there always in my face controlling what I do and how I do it. Keeping me from everyday activities and happiness. The struggle to overcome it all. Expect when you break your leg people sign your cast when you're in a wheelchair people open doors for you... But depression isn't that obvious and to some like my parents it isn't even a thing. To them I am weak not depressed to others I'm ungrateful not depressed to many I'm whiny and bitchy and insecure and stand offish not depressed. Depression isn't a thing and yet it sits here as I contemplate the value of my life. The only thing that seems hopeful is my future but even that's unclear. Sigh I'm so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well without the therapy and medication now I'm thinking much like a cripple without their crutch or wheelchair the therapy and medicine are needed for me to live a lifestyle as close to normal as possible. Kris was my break my dose of Tofranil... But now it's like he's on the other side of the glass with my parents, sisters, brothers, friends all people may love me but don't understand me at all. They seem so different like another kind of person like I'm suppose to fit into their mold but I can't and the pressure driving me insane. And that's when I realized that everyone loves differently and I will never find anyone who loves the same that I do. So my families way of loving me is just that their way distance but supportive. This has allowed much more flexiblity with Kris. He will forever be who he is and claim to love me and show it his way. He won't love me like I love him I just have to decide if I'm willing to accept that. It's hard. I can't imagine him not in my life. I have one life that's it and I would much rather deal with Kris in all his flaws than to live without him but it hurts knowing it's not the mutual. His love is so conditional so dependent upon if I'm this or that pretty smart funny whatever that it hurts bc I know I will not forever be this way. I know there will be times like these I will hate myself where my good looks will fade and I'll sound stupid abd I'll be of little to no value to him. He constantly ask why I love him and this alone shows how differebt we are. My reason for loving Kris is indescribable. You could take all his positive traits and put them in someone else and I wouldn't love them. Matter of fact I've meant many guys that are funny are witty and handsome and sweet etc etc he posses something unique to him that can't be describe bc it's... Kris. I say that every time I get upset. "But it's Kris" it's him I love him. And my love runs deeper than any majority agreed upon valuable trait a man can offer. For example being funny or willing to support a family lol those who horrible reasons to love someone and yet I think insignificant traits like these are why he loves me. My frustration with this on top of a job I hate has lead me to feel so lonely and empty. These thought mixed with the reminded of my past and the now daily flashback of being raped has cause me to dread sleepy and dread waking up to woke. It's been a tough couple of weeks but nothing I won't get though. So guys please understand why my post are few and far in between. I'm trying here.

[lovestrengthdignity]

Hopefully my last first date. (Event Post)

I loved iguana grill but why would I choose Mexican and not bring gum! It was reasonably priced not too expensive or too cheap right? My sweater dress was ridiculously itchy note to self purple sweater dress is a no… Or maybe it was the tights. He looks nice. He looks nice. I can’t believe I’m actually with him. He drives like a fucking mad man. My thoughts were so loud last night. I promised myself on days like these I’d stop and enjoy the moment and not think so much just live in the day bask in in the joy but it was much harder than I planned, my head was racing oh gosh please don’t ask me any questions I thought to myself. My mind was already scrambled. He was so handsome. I wanted to kiss him maybe more than a kiss lol. I smiled at the thought I knew I wanted to sleep with him eventually I wore lingerie tonight so we’ll see. I know sex on the first date lol what a whore. Eh well. If you keep up with my post you’d know I’m not some whore lol if you don’t read my post you don’t matter lol. The weather was nice too warm for a sweater dress but finding something to wear tonight was ridiculous. The sweater dress complimented my figure it was too short so I wore some thigh highs tights. It was colder in the restaurant so I was okay no sweating thank God. Speaking of God he indeed has a funny sense of humor. Here I was on the first day with a guy I actually liked not sone pity date or blind date a guy I actually cared about and regardless of how I talked or polite I was I had already lost do to my recent interest in this whole you only live once philosophy. Sleeping with Alfred and sneaking out my house that night at age 14 were two really bad decisions. What a demeaning experience. I wanted Alfred to like me so it wouldn’t be just sex but instead of being so stuck on how others would view my casual sex with someone I didn’t like I needed to focus on the fact that… I didn’t even like him myself. So yep warning ladies sleeping with someone casually isn’t what the magazine claim. Don’t do it. Because there I was at dinner fresking out nervous bc I liked Kris but there was no way to change a pass I know would be impossible for him to look past. I felt bad for being so selfish and not waiting for him. But in a strange way I was thankful for Alfred bc if I hadn’t slept with him I never would have met Kris I would be locked in my bedroom reading instead of writing about him. I choose to believe that I needed Alfred as a clear reminder of everything I did not want out in a guy and to be a guide to everything I did want in a guy… Kris. Every guy every hardship every choice in my past was just a star lighting my way to Kris. So it’s hard to say it be if an angel came and landed on my bed and said, ” I will go back and erase the fact you ever slept with Alfred but it means you’d never met Kris.” I’d banish the thought and pray that angel away. Why wasn’t he eating? Why wasng I eating I was too nervous I need a drink how much are there drinks I hope he won’t mind. He looked so gorgeous in that lighting reminding me why I picked iguana grill. He was funny thank God he was so funny. This made me feel better. He was texting his frat brothers apparently they saw us. I’m now ready to go in order to avoid an awkward encounter. Nervous again lol. Dinner was nice a date id daydreamed about he had gorgeous eyes and perfect skin his hair curled nicely and I really wanted to kiss his lips. Okay I was horny sue me! He was hot. We headed to his place and I knew the night was his. I wanted to thank him. For tonight and hopefully many more, but I also wanted him inside me. His hands on my body. Daydreaming of what he was like in bed. Fuck I’m not good in bed. Nervous again. When we got to his place he had a drink and now i was sure I wanted him. His hands felt so good on my body I knew he was big from giving him head earlier that week. Fuck he was big I hope I can handle it. Nervous again. That night was amazing (explicit post coming very soon check locked page periodically) that entire night was amazing honestly idk what all we talked about all I know was Kris was hilarious and probably deserved better but I’m selfish and not giving him up. I’m sure I’m like 8th in line for his heart but I’ll wait my turn and if I get it well when I do I’m yelling you guys I think last night was my last first date. I know I sound like a loser but i just have this feeling!!!!! Expect more post I’ll about Kris I’ll even start his own thread

[toukos-moved-blog]

self positivity is f*cking great!!! u think ur cool??? then ur cool!!! u think ur cute??? then ur hella cute!!! look at you go. so amazing

[lovestrengthdignity]

"And if you must die sweetheart die knowing your life was my lifes best part."

"There was a boy A very strange enchanted boy They say he wandered very far, very far Over land and sea A little shy And sad of eye But very wise Was he

And then one day A magic day he passed my way And while we spoke of many things, fools and kings This he said to me “The greatest thing You’ll ever learn Is just to love And be loved In return”“

To love and be loved in return… My want for love has always been pathetic. I begged God for it every night for many years until it was clear he’d only give it to me when he was ready. Even then I tried to go out and find it. There are so many joys in life. So many things that make you smile and laugh, but the warmth of love and the flutter of your heart when you see someone you adore is a feeling I craved… Too deeply.

I always felt no matter what I did, where I went, or how successful I was if I didn’t fall in love I’d be a failure. No matter how much society looked down on the belief of needing a man to be happy and no matter how many times I’ve tried to separate sex from love and just live without it my heart always yearned to love someone, and it took time for me to noticed that getting random men to fill my lovers position temporarily only made the yearning worse.

I know I already posted this morning and don't worry this post will be available for guest post as well... I felt the need to write again tonight because an unfamiliar and very frightening feeling has washed over me and has been occupying my heart. The happiness I feel the ever so slight daily filling of that void in my heart has caused whatever it is to occupy my mind as well. This has led to me not being able to sleep. So as usual here I am writing to get it all out. I will try not to make this post so mushy gushy bc I know someone you care more so about the events in my life than the actually feelings.  As overwhelming as all these emotions I am currently feeling are... I’m so scared. Like really scared like to the point where thinking about him and how much I love him makes me cry. We've only known each other for a short period of time. I shouldn't feel this way. When I was with my ex I never conformed or changed myself because I knew the moment I got tired of him I would leave. I knew he was replaceable. However now with this guy the thought of not being enough not making him happy worries my mind and heart daily. What if he were to leave? Then what?

I do not see anyone else in my future but him. I couldn't even force the imagine of marrying someone else into my head. I've only known him for a couple months.... I have daydreamed about my wedding for years and the image of me and what I am wearing or how I look was always clear. But when it got to the groom it was always foggy. However now it was certain... too certain. Last night I dreamt of my wedding but when he saw me he was disappointed and left. I fell to the ground and the last thing I saw before I woke up was the chapel ceiling. I woke up at 2:47am and cried till 4:16. Because I know my fears are rational. I have been too busy trying to fix myself that I know I am too broken too damage too burdensome too needy to be with anyone especially not someone like him. Yet I don't tell him that because I don't want to lose him. I cooked for myself everyday two years sometimes I cooked for my entire floor yet here I was scared to make him a simple dish scared of his rejection I rather not do anything for him than do my best and it not be good enough.  

So I cry afraid... terrified of the possibility of losing him of me not being enough. I often try to find flaws that would make me feel as though he too was as imperfect as me but even when I do they don't seem to measure to mine. I know this post sounds like I am an insecure girl but it's not that. He... Kris is it just so great. Maybe like hmm idk if I were a queen and he were a God. I could be the most beautiful smartest queen who ended world hunger and brought peace amongst all the countries but he would still be a God even if he were the laziest or meanest or dumbest of God's he was still a God and nothing I did or do could compare. Even now as his girlfriend I fear how he'd treat me around his friends will he hold my hand will he be proud to have me on his arm. Why does he feel the need to talk to other women when his presence alone is enough to suppress my every desire of someone of the opposite sex. Am I just a fling? A college girlfriend?  who knows.

Then I am so thankful that God has finally given me the relief I have been begging for. In earlier post I talked about my honey moon and how i would cry for finally being done with miserable task of seeking out my soul mate. This feeling is much like that. I cry happy that I no longer have to look for him or daydream about him. Here he was in the flesh. Idk what the hell he has been doing but he is finally here. I look at him wondering after all these years why God could not have given him to me sooner. Oh the heartache and misery I would have dodged. I try not think about that too often be cause he was here now and that's all that matter. My heart felt relieved as if my days of loneliness were forever over. but i've only know him for a couple months...

Okay Okay, I know in guest post you are going to wonder what is soo special about this guy he has me feeling so... ridiculous well here comes the mushy gushy. She if you are one of the people who message me about my heart always causing me to make stupid chooses which then makes my blog annoying to read heres you key to stop lol.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Even now as I grow older the excitement of Christmas still remains. The colors, the smells, the love, it's all so perfect. At night I would anxiously lay awake thinking about tomorrow trying to force myself to sleep while staying awake to listen to santa. I thought about previous Christmas' and how amazing they were and if I had been good enough for the things I asked for. I wasn't sure what i was getting but I knew I would be satisfied when the day came. Luckily time determines when tomorrow came for if tomorrow only came if I feel asleep I would have never seen Christmas day. Kris is this experience... repeatedly. Yes every day was Christmas and every night was Christmas Eve with Kris. At night I stayed awake reminiscing on that days events whether we argued or we just made love and sat around. I replayed my absolute favorite moments and facial expression. I smiled in the dark as the images of his smile danced along through my head to the sound of his laughter. Sometimes I even laughed out loud remembering something he said earlier in the day. I then thought about the day before that day, then the week, then the month, then the first time we made love, to the first time we kissed, then to the first time we met. I replayed the way he kissed my body over in my head he was so gentle and new exactly  where to touch me exactly where to kiss me the way he grabbed my body ugh sex with that man was incredible... but that's for a later time follow that link ( explicit post)   My mind bounced all over the place. I pictured having his kids to making love with him on our honeymoon I pictured him hurt and sick and me helping him I pictured him fussing at me for something I had done wrong. I was so anxious to see him the next day to experience it all but much like a child on christmas eve I could not sleep the thought of him kept me awake. but much like I fell in love I fell asleep... slowly than all at once. (John Green FTW) 

Kris was imperfectly perfect. His over dramatic story telling and exaggeration kept me so interested while at the same time took the pressure of me to talk. His sarcasm was pure wit which often got him in trouble. I loved his mannerisms and his passion for his hobbies. As much as I prefer the book store to the comic book store seeing him in his element his place of happiness made me happy… At least for the 1st 10 mins ;). Kris was everything I wasn’t. He was strong and made rational choices but at the same time he was gentle with me my and wants and needs. He was masculine but didn't feel the need to exert it. He worked hard and often. He made me laugh constantly till my ribs hurt. He was kind hearted. And if I was lucky I would get to witness the rare occasion when the jokes on him and my laughter is uncontrollable he makes this face of disapproval but with a smile and not an ounce of embarrassment while I die of laughter. Even when I want to dislike him it’s hard. What that smile does to my heart lord may he never know the power one of his hugs and kisses has I will forever push him away and pretend as though I dislike it. I stayed awake replaying all of this while thinking about the excitement for the future with Kris and much like Christmas Eve I wasn’t 100% sure what gifts god had left in Kris for me but I knew they’d make me happy and I looked forward to unwrapping them. 

See! Not so mushy right! Guest post are open until July 1st! Write and Ask away! I love you guys thanks for reading!

-H

[lovestrengthdignity]

Becoming Her

"One day you are 17 planning for someday. Then slowly without you even noticing someday becomes today, then someday becomes yesterday… and this is the rest of your life"

I have posted this quote on social media numerous times. Some boy once commented saying it was from "One Tree Hill." I never looked into it because I never really cared where it was from. What I did care about was the quotes contents and how people related to it. Many people commented on how sad and scared it made them feel. How it was so true and so deep. That it made them want to get out and live their lives to fullest before "the rest of their lives" crept up on them. 

However, this quote does quite the opposite for me. I can honestly say my someday is my wedding. I have thought about it since I can remember. To be honest I haven't planned it all that much but I have always thought about it being one of the happiest days of my life. However beautiful I know my wedding will be I still image better days after it. My "the rest of my life" is the thing I looked forward to the most. Having a steady career, and family, holding my kids, vacationing, growing old, dying. 

Right now life seems like a panic rush of prep. Like a Kitchen at a 5 star restaurant. Lots of hustle and movement. Lots of directions be followed and orders being given. Food request going in and out. Dishes of all types to be made. Maybe an occasionally laugh at a coworker or a satisfactory smile at something you cooked but for the most part it was all work and a constant never ending hustle to get things finished. 

Hm. All these years I spent preparing for something later to come. As I reach one of my goals another starts. Constantly in school writing papers hustling to join clubs or all sorts, new professors, new peers, but at the end of the day it's all to reach one goal… graduation. There may be few small joys and vacations in between but its mostly a life filled of working for a degree to hopefully get me into a great career. It's chaos and confusion. It's… too much. I am ready for the rest of my life the calm after this storm. And though I should not want to rush my life the thought of getting out of the constant state of order chaos would is one of my few forms of peace. That and a dream.

This dream is all too familiar. I see a women she's either eating an ice cream cone, or holding a child, or riding a horse. She is gorgeous. Her hair blows in the wind. She was natural no hair extensions, fake nails, or makeup. Her clothes hung freely from her slender frame. Although her clothes and setting changes one thing doesn't. Her smile. Her smiles lights up her face the moon lights up the sky. When I see it an instant feeling of calmness and relief washes over my body. She is unbelievably happy. She does not look as though she has never been though anything for in some dreams I see her crossing her arms or fussing at a small child. But her smile is a smile of content. As if she is as happy as possible. She is strong in her wants, belief, and career goals. But she is soft and compassionate towards the small child she holds. Her heart seems so light and happy. I see her sometimes dance and make silly gestures. One dream she had to fire someone and it left her in crying and patting her eyes with a green cardigan. In all my dreams she never talks. Just motions. She is soft spoken and loving. She is Godly and full of dignity. She often laughs at herself with no fear of being made fun of or judge. She is amazing. When I was younger I used to wonder who she was. As I grew older I realized that she was me… well the women I wonder to be. She possessed the  traits I have always strived for both on the outside and in. She was the women I always wanted to be. She was me and I was dreaming about "the rest of my life." However I knew I would not be able to turn into over night. It would require lots of self reflection and work in order for me to become her… the person I was destined to be. 

[lovestrengthdignity]

Time Flies... When you are living

It has been such a long time since I have written anything well on her at least. Please don't feel betrayed for I haven't written anywhere else either but in my own private notes. So much has changed yet so much is the same. 

I have broke up with my ex boyfriend not to soon after my last post. It was probably one of the best decisions of my life. He was getting extremely serious. He wanted to get engaged after he finished basic training and I did not love him. I could see myself settling with him. Being a military wife and having a few kids, but if I want to Become Her than I will have to strive to be her and to not settle. Breaking up with him was a great choice for me and here I am a year later and I am embarrassed that  I ever dated someone so unmotivated and... simple. I recently go into a new relationship.

My new boyfriend makes happy. He is funny and handsome and occasionally brutal. Our meeting and issues will be posted plenty in my blog but as of now I spare you all the details. 

I have got an internship far away from home! So I will be moving... finally! Moving is something I've prayed for. Now the location isn't in my top 5 but It is in my top 10! I am very happy and I look to starting a new adventure and sharing the details with you all. 

I have promised myself with the new relationship to recognize my feelings. And to stop saying I am happy when I am not and smile whenever I can. I promised I would speak up when I am unhappy and leave if the relationship is unhealthy. I will however make my love life as romantic as I so please. I will write about him like a prince... ( if he deserves to be written that way) I will either live out my fairytale or I won't have one. So I am focusing on having one. 

Yes it has been almost a year since my last post time flies when you are living. I haven't had to much fun in the last year but I have been living my life I have made it thought the storms and the ups and downs and I can not wait to share with you all my past adventures and my present ones. Thanks for sticking around as I become the women I was destined to be. Becoming her  has been difficult but well worth the journey

-H

[lovestrengthdignity]

Do not worry

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (The Gospel according to Matthew 6:34 TLV)

[lovestrengthdignity]

No more fantasy novels

I began reading 50 shades of grey. I stopped before I made it to the 2nd chapter. The author was amazing...too amazing. I had to stop doing this to myself. Reading these unrealistic books! Daydreaming about men and relationship that don't exist! I found myself falling in love with the book and the thought of meeting a man like Christian Grey. Then as I looked up I glanced back to my reality for just a second. I was single living with my parents and far from finding mr. Right. And as great as I know that book is for some reason after reading just a tad bit of that great fantasy my life my real life seems a lot worse then I thought it was before I picked that book up. I've never met a man I found amazingly stunning! I never met a guy who made my heart flutter... Maybe those things don't really happen maybe I've been reading to much twilight and watching too many fairytales yea... Maybe. Well I don't want my husband to seem like nothing when I meet him because my vision of perfect has been over fantasized by some book! So I'll meet the love of my life! I'll have the time of my life! And I will right a TRUE story about our love affair. This way not only is it amazing but it also lets women know it's attainable!

[lovestrengthdignity]

Power in love?

Does anyone else have this belief in the power of love? Have you ever had hope that through showing someone how much you love them and demonstrating how deep and true love could be they’d straighten up and give it to you in return? Only to be disappointed and heartbroken. Not because they didn’t love you and not because they didn’t treat you right but because you come to the realization that this wonderful, powerful, indestructible, unexplainable, thing that causes you to stay awake at night, kill, laugh, cry, and desire called love was nothing but a word. And that even your deepest truest purest form of it couldn’t make the person you love stay. So how powerful is love really?

-H