#bedtime is hard

[theartistformerlyknownasfaggot]

Do I know that I don't act mature? Yes. It helps me relax a lot more. Now let me watch scooby doo and eat my candy in peace.

But also snuggle me. Pretty pwease.

[clexasims]

[accbri]

Bad Parenting

No one sets out to be a bad parent. Scratch that. I didn’t set out to be a bad parent. It just occurs to you at 10PM when you can’t get your seven year old to sleep on her own that perhaps you drifted into this territory. Or when your spouse is angry with you and states, yet again, that you don’t have structure. (There’s that word again: structure.) Or when you find yourself very angry with said seven year old and have to apologize for saying something mean. Boom. You’re there. Welcome my friend. 

Whenever I hear that I’m not structured, I think, well what the hell am I? Are my kids running around like monkeys in the zoo swinging off the lights? And the answer is clearly, NO. They aren’t. They are well behaved at school and at friends’ houses, which is the way it should be. It’s just with me, with unstructured me, that they do not listen to my directions to clean up and get ready for bed. Seriously, no one wants to go to bed in this house, which is strange because it’s all I ever want to do. 

For certain there is no routine at bedtime because, well... life. When I was a teacher and always home at night, things were easier. Now I’m gone three nights a week and my husband may or may not be home too. There are babysitters and grandparents sometimes putting the kids to bed. Even when I worked 12 hour days, two out of the three children would wait up in bed and sneak out to give me hugs when I got home. Afternoon and night practices interfere with homework time and dinner time and hanging out time. Before I know it 8PM is here and we’re all scrambling to play catch up. A definite routine is needed. It’s screaming out; “Hey lady, here’s how you give everyone some structure. Add me.” But time is not my friend. It never has been. (Did I mention when I walked to elementary school as a child I was tardy like an absurd amount of time?) Does this make me bad?

Rest assured that my children are deeply loved and provided for. On Maslow’s Hierarchy, they have every thing they need to ascend to the next levels and achieve true happiness. So that begs the question, am I a bad parent because bedtime is hard for me? Because I get overwhelmed and tired at night? Because structure is not imbeded in who I am? I tried the structure thing once and it made me so rigid and inflexible and in the end, very sad and miserable. I don’t feel like a bad parent, yet at the same time I feel like a failure. Especially in the eyes of my husband. 

I am going to let the girls sleep a little more this morning and take them to school a little late, because what else would a bad parent do. They’re having Halloween celebrations today, so I’m sure the day will be filled with excitement and fun and shenanigans. I hope they know how much I love them and how I will work harder to make sure last night never happens again. I’m not a bad parent. I know I’m not. It’s just at times, I drift over to that neighborhood. As a parent, the moment you take a second to be you and not mom or dad is the moment you lose. There is no time for you while they’re awake. It’s been very hard for me to deal with that. But that my friend is another post for another time...