In regards to being Nikki—
For starters, I’d like to say that I’m okay.
Not good, not bad -- you see, the thing about being in highly triggering situations is that it doesn’t end quickly. It’s not having a panic attack, having a bit of a cry, and then getting back up again -- it lingers. The initial panic subsides to paranoia, and you stop feeling all together; you become numb, and that’s worse than anything else. You lose the ability to function like normal, and you realize -- slowly, that is -- that all your progress is gone.
I sleep with every light on, I clean obsessively, I dedicate hours of my mornings and nights to checking for any bugs -- under the bed, in the closet; I own 13 bottles of bug spray, and I keep them by my bedside. For a very long time, I couldn’t sleep without the smell of it -- waking up in the middle of the night crying because I didn’t want to poison myself, but I needed to sleep. I was in high school, middle school, this shit dates back to when I was too young to understand why my heart beat was so much faster than everyone else, why even the smallest amount of stress sent me into days of constant panic -- of unsettling anxiety.
I’ve come a long way since then. Therapy, medication -- I’m sharing this because this small event has set me back so far. I know that I’m strong, and I know that it’ll get better, but this still happened. It still a horrible situation, and I’m still hurt.
But, the support has made it easier. Not better, but easier -- it reminded me why I love this community, and why I dedicated so much of myself to Before Harry. I love you guys, and I love roleplaying. It’s been 11 years since I joined my first RPG, and it’s provided me with so much comfort; it’s been a safety net I can escape to when the real world is too much for my frail bones, and after reading through the tag, I realized that a lot of people don’t understand what this whole situation is really about.
The person who sent those awful things contacted me. Off anonymous, with their personal blog -- they gave me their name, their identity, and they told me why they did it. In fact, they even posted in the tag -- expressing openly how much they despised whomever sent me death threats, I still don’t know what to make of it.
They’re young, and they didn’t understand. They were mad, and that’s okay -- people are allowed to be upset about not getting accepted to a roleplay. They’re allowed to cry, and scream, and be bitter towards the roleplay that denied them; sharing your writing with someone is an intimate experience, and being rejected in light of that? It sucks. It hurts -- it digs deep, and I’m highly disappointed in everyone who posted in my honor belittling those who react passionately in light of things of that nature. Don’t make emotion out to be a bad thing -- what this child did was disgusting, and she’ll pay for that. Whether it be karma, her own guilt, or having to belong to a community that has bonded in light of her despicable act -- the problem isn’t being upset about not getting into a roleplay. The problem is being ignorant.
From admins who don’t understand that every roleplay should have a triggers list, to admins who don’t understand what making fun of people on the main does to a young head -- what white-washing does to kids who already hate themselves, what not accepting gay characters does to someone who just realized their sexuality; you have a responsibility. You made a group online, and if you’re taking the role of an ‘admin’ -- you’ve become liable for children as young as 12 who are bound to be influenced by your authority.
This isn’t about me, anymore. This ‘movement’ has become more than just me being a good admin who didn’t deserve what she got, this has become an entire community coming together to rally the wrong thing -- this isn’t about being mad. It’s not about reacting badly, or even something as blanketed as ‘cyber-bullying’. This is about our community, and how we need to fix something. This is about taking responsibility for the role you’ve been given, this about RPCs who talk shit about roleplays and make people think that it’s okay to do the same anonymously, this is about admins who are teaching people that it’s okay to be disrespectful of triggers, this is about looking at our community and realizing that this isn’t just one angry kid -- this has happened so many times, and it’s a systematic problem that we need to address.
I can’t re-open Before Harry. Even thinking about going anywhere near the page makes me psychically sick, and I’m sorry for that -- we had 144 brilliant applications, and 115 equally brilliant applicants; I love each and every one of you, but I just can’t do it. Not until my health is better, and that won’t be for a decent chunk of time -- but, I did make this page. I’ll be on more often than not, and if anyone wants to talk to me, they can. Whether it be about the community, or just in general; everyone has had nothing but kind words in regard to being me, and I want to be there for everyone who expressed that my roleplay made them feel safe. That my roleplay made them happy -- you all deserve people who will show you the amount of kindness that you expressed that I give, despite how ordinary I really am. It tells you something about this community when people are praising someone for just being a decent person -- but, if there really is a severe lack of genuinely nice people, I’m okay with being that for you. I’m okay with being your ‘roleplay mom’, or whatever else you need.
I want you all to be happy. I want this community to get better, and I want to be there to see it -- I want my 11 years to be for something other than what it’s become; so, I’m here to help. With whatever you might need, I’m here.
And, I think I’m okay. Maybe just for now, but even then -- I’m okay.
