I AM GOLDEN
SHE FOUND HERSELF
OVER A LONG
AND TREACHEROUS ROAD
AND THE MORE
TREACHEROUS
THE ROAD BECAME,
THE MORE OF
HERSELF
SHE FOUND. -Atticus
“One year of my life has come and gone, a year of love and loss, of fear and comfort, of pain and peace, of fortitude and friendship. I count myself so very blessed.” - Christine Corrigan (Cancer Survivor)
This moment gives me pause to reflect on what has passed and to consider where to go from here. I have thought about the end since it all began, and now that the end of treatment is here, it seems quite surreal.
Even though I know that (after completing my treatment plan) I have a very low risk of recurrence, cancer patients are generally not considered to be in complete remission until at least 5 years have passed since the end of treatment without recurrence. So, my journey with breast cancer is not yet coming to an end, as much as I would like to say that it is
Also, what many don’t realize is that the end of treatment can be unexpectedly unnerving. Everyone wants to celebrate “the finish” (myself included). Many assume relief comes from not having to spend so much time in doctors’ offices. Outsiders/bystanders assume that life will simply go back to equilibrium. However, it is not that simple. Buried anxiety and fear – “Is IT back?” – can creep up any time after the end of treatment. I often find myself wondering... questioning...spinning...if something typically “normal” is a bit “off.” Is this freckle skin cancer? Do these strange cramps signify ovarian/cervical cancer? Changes in my bowels must mean colon cancer! Is this dimple in my breast a part of my implant or should I be worried?
“To live in the present is no simple task. We look to the past, rehashing it, or to the future, constantly planning. Yet, we only have this moment, this now, with all of its doubt and pain, wonder and grace, and the scars that remain. Sufficient then is this day. Let us use it well. Tomorrow will take care of itself.” -Christine Corrigan (Cancer Survivor)