#behem0oth

[behem0oth]

Been years since I last updated my face page, lol

[behem0oth]

I get nervous when I talk to you, which feels ironic because at the same time, I feel so safe telling you everything. I can ramble on about nothing with you for hours, yet still worry that I might be too much. I think sometimes I carry this fear that my intensity is something ugly, something I should tone down. I’ve spent so long being conditioned to be smaller, quieter, easier to handle, for the sake of other people; that fully being myself now feels a little terrifying. It scares me that if I show up as I truly am, unapologetic and unfiltered.. I might scare you away. Maybe it’s the distance between us, or maybe it’s just me overthinking, but there’s this quiet fear that when you see me again, you’ll find me too intense, too emotional, just… too much.

But the truth is, I am a lot. I feel deeply. I love deeply. I care, and fight, and show up for the people I love with everything in me. My passion runs strong. It always has. And I don’t want to shrink that part of myself, even if I’ve been taught that smaller is easier to keep. Still, liking you the way I do makes me a little afraid. Afraid of losing something that already feels meaningful, even when there’s still so much left to discover. But what I feel right now, what you’ve shown me, what we’ve built so far… is already enough for me to know this is something I don’t want to lose. I’m a daydreamer. I always have been. I dream big, and somehow, you’ve become a dream I don’t want to wake up from. I want to see this through, to give it the chance it deserves. Because how often does life give us something like this.. a second chance, a new beginning wrapped in something familiar?

I’d be a fool not to pursue it.

And if I’m going to be a fool… I only want to be yours.

[behem0oth]

Ofc I miss him. I see him everywhere, in everything I do. I always wished it was him in the end but I just couldn’t do this half love shit anymore. I want a forever home. To lock in forever. I constantly dreamed about the next biggest chapter of my life, career, family, marriage. And when we would talk it was always, I’m happy where I’m at. And that’s okay. But it meant you didn’t want the same dream as me. I couldn’t wait anymore. Grieving my best friend has been the hardest. Especially when everything involves you in my head. Is this what growing up is like? I hope you’re happy and find someone who can make you truly happy. That’s all I want for you, is genuine happiness. See you, space cowboy.

[behem0oth]

I wish I could just text you and tell you how much I miss you. But what’s the point you’ll just leave again and again and again. I’m tired of being the only one who fought for us. I wanted us to work out so bad but I think I was just holding you back. I can’t make you stay if all you want to do is leave. I don’t need closure anymore, realizing that it was just so easy for you to walk away was enough closure for me. But if you were to come back would you actually mean it? Would you fight even if it got ugly? Would you come back just to see if I would take you back like i always do? I keep going back and forth I just don’t know anything anymore.

[behem0oth]

I don’t miss who you were at the end, I miss who you were in the beginning.

[behem0oth]

This shit never gets easier

[behem0oth]

I just went down memory lane alllll the way back to 2013. I watched my evolution of heartbreaks and come backs as a baby to an adult. it’s crazy the long way I have come... If I learned anything is that I’ll be alright! I always get back up and dust myself off. Young me would be impressed and I hope a bit proud of who I am today. Almost 10 years later :’)

[behem0oth]

I'm a little sad tonight.