Anxiety and the Analytical Mind
I've always known I have a tendency to think a lot; I think my way through problems, I think about all the possible outcomes of a situation I'm worried about, I think about all the things I want to do with my life and haven't, I think about all the mistakes I've made and how I could've done things differently, I think about why I am the way I am. Yes, it IS exhausting!!
Of course, it's one of those chicken-and-egg-scenarios as to which came first; did I become an anxious person because I analyse everything, or was I an anxious person who figured the best way to deal with things was by analysing everything to death?
And therein lies the main problem with being this way; I'm now analysing why I analyse!! By trying to work out how I became this way, I'm putting all those cogs in motion again, tying myself in knots; the difference now is that I ask myself, "What is the purpose of this? Do I have to gain anything by analysing it?". The answer is so often "No - it's pointless".
That's one of the greatest lessons I've learned; it's all very well being analytical, but I don't actually solve anything or feel any better by thinking it through.
Through many of my posts I've mentioned self-acceptance, being kinder to yourself etc., but this is one area of my life that I've had to be hard on myself about. I've had to completely overhaul my cognitive style because it was an unhealthy way to live.
My mantra used to be along the lines of "I think, therefore, I am"; I knew I was a thinker, sometimes it even served a purpose (essay-writing springs to mind), but I saw it as something fundamental to my personality that was fixed, concrete, and immovable. To a degree I was even proud of it sometimes, because it gave me an air of the intellectual and I was glad to have that identity to cling to.
As I got older, I was sometimes aware of how anxious I got about things, but I convinced myself that it didn't matter how much stress it caused because it was the only motivator I had. At school, I found there was a correlation between how anxious I got about something and how well I did; it seemed to me that my anxiety made me care about doing my best.
The one term I stopped trying as hard my grades started to slip and it scared me so much I fell back on my anxiety to get me through. I had seen that other people appeared to do well without seeming to try very hard and I was getting tired of everyone's high expectations, so I thought it wouldn't do any harm to slack off a bit; I could at least stop getting worked up about it all the time, right?!
The problem with this was I never had any faith in my abilities or intelligence. Had I believed I was capable, I would have been able to give things my best shot without worrying about it, knowing that my best was good enough. But I never believed that, even when I would get high grades. By testing the water with trying less hard than usual, I proved to myself that I NEEDED the anxiety in order to do well. Had I not being such an over-analyser, I might not have come to that conclusion; but I always wanted to know WHY.
The quest for the "Why" in everything feels like a worthwhile goal. Intuitively it suggests that you have a curious nature and a keen intellect, because you want to understand. That can be true, if you don't let it rule your thinking.
In some ways, it can be a destructive force; wanting to pick everything apart and reduce it down to its smallest parts. Sometimes it can destroy any mystery or magic about the world, and that feels sad. The creative part of me tells me that there are things we aren't meant to understand, that there is beauty in looking at things as they appear rather than trying to discover why they are beautiful.
Take a rainbow, for instance; there's a scientific explanation for it, and whilst it's accurate and true, I would far rather marvel at the beauty of the colours and the transitory nature of the rainbow than dwell on refraction of light through water and the visible wavelengths of light the human eye can detect. I'm not trashing science, in fact, most of it I love and find fascinating, but not at the expense of enjoying a pure moment. Being able to truly enjoy what is around us is a big part of the human experience, and sometimes in order to appreciate things, we simply must STOP.
"What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare." - Leisure, by WH Davies, 1911.
I had a support worker for a while (a few years ago) who could see how much time I was spending worrying about things, analysing everything and living my life at double-speed. Even though I wasn't doing a lot with my time, my mind was constantly busy and I was mentally exhausted a lot of the time. I didn't know there was any other way to be; I couldn't see inside anyone else's mind and watch how their thought processes work.
This lady was very wise, very perceptive, and had brilliant ways to help you understand some fairly fundamental things about yourself. She told me I'd been living my life as if I was on a packed, rush-hour commuter train, hurrying everywhere & trying to get to places as quickly as possible. She said I needed to get myself on the equivalent of the German Bummelzug or Bummelbahn; the slow train that takes the long, scenic route to all the little regional stops and gives you a chance to sit back and take in your surroundings, enjoy the ride.
It was such a perfect analogy and it made so much sense. My support worker then got me to think about if there was any genuine joy in my life; did I do anything for pure enjoyment? I realised years of guilt and worry had stopped me from doing anything like that. We started to build more activities in that encouraged me to just "Be", to just experience some joy, to do things I could get lost in. That was when I started to see another way to live, beyond the constant anxiety and perceived weight of other people's expectations.
I'm not saying I don't experience anxiety anymore, I'm not saying I live without worry. I still have a tendency to think about things, to retreat into my thoughts and to try and solve things by analysing them. The difference now is, it's not a constant stream of thoughts. The medication I'm on calmed the physical feelings of dread and panic I was experiencing all the time, and made things feel much less overwhelming.
Over time, I then worked with my counsellor to manage the anxious thoughts better. She got me to regularly do a few new things to get me out of some bad habits. Before, I felt I couldn't do anything spontaneous because it hadn't been planned and all the outcomes analysed for possible danger (to my mental health). I would mentally prepare like that even if I was seeing someone I knew very well. My counsellor got me to explain what my thinking process was, asked me how it helped me cope, then suggested that next time I try not to prepare.
It took a while for the penny to drop, but I learned that all my preparation served no purpose, if anything, it gave me more to feel anxious about. Very often, the things I worried about never happened anyway. So we put up a marker; in the case of people I knew well, I didn't really need to prepare to see them, I should just go & enjoy myself. At first it was hard to break the habit of mental preparation for everything, but slowly it has become less of an effort to prevent it and now I hardly think about it.
Once that particular ball was in play, it helped other things to fall into place. Time after time I would outline my worries about an upcoming situation in therapy, then the following week we'd review how the event had actually turned out; each time my worries were unfounded. I started to join groups, clubs & do activities, take on new challenges, and each time I'd tell my counsellor how scared I was, she'd say "Just give it one session, and if you don't like it you don't have to go back", then the following week I'd report back that I'd enjoyed myself.
After a few months of this, she pointed out to me that I'd been quite brave, but also, she hadn't heard me say one negative thing about any new thing I'd tried out. She said "Every single new group or activity you've tried, the outcome has been so much more positive than you ever expected". My jaw hit the floor at this point, I hadn't realised; not only had all my worst fears never actually manifested at any point (which was always the best I ever expected), but I had actually really enjoyed it all - even being around other people. It was very clear to me then exactly how my anxiety and tendency to over-analyse had held me back in the past.
I haven't lost my insatiable desire to understand why things are the way they are, that's a big part of who I am. I see it differently now though. I try to use it in places where it has a purpose. I use it to write, to pass on the lessons I've learned about mental illness, mental health, cognitive styles, personality. I used it to get a degree in Psychology (the ultimate "Why" in the academic world). I use it in my counselling sessions to better understand myself and face some of the darkness from my past that I needed to forgive myself for. My mind is no longer my enemy, but it does need channelling effectively on a regular basis in order that I don't stray back into my old ways.
What does feel frustrating and unfair sometimes is when I think about the notion of ignorance as bliss. I feel as though people who don't over-analyse, who have less active minds, or perhaps even are less intelligent, have the deck stacked in their favour. Logically, it should be the case that the more intelligent you are, the more able you are to deal with the challenges life throws at you, but so often I've found that the opposite is true.
The even greater irony is that people I know who have never suffered from clinical anxiety will tell me it never occurs to them to worry about the things I've told them I worry about!! I was angry about this for a while, but these days I understand that you never know what challenges everyone faces, so it isn't fair to judge that someone "Has it easy" - there's often no such thing.
We are all just doing our best with the lot in life we've been given. There is no force that seeks to punish us, the universe isn't picking on us personally, there is often no rhyme or reason, so let go of these ideas. They may make intuitive sense, but I promise you being free of them will help you in the long run.
And don't spend so much time living in your head. There's so much world out there; so many experiences, so many people to meet and places to go. If you spend your time thinking and analysing it could all pass you by. Enjoyment comes from opening your eyes and looking around, taking chances and seizing random opportunities that present themselves (but you have to be able to notice when these occur).
Turn your analytical mind to your advantage to extract the lessons from your experiences, to notice the positive outcomes, to catch your mind's processes before they descend into anxious thought patterns.
Yes, my analytical mind has been fuel for the fire of anxiety in the past, but I choose to be different now. I choose to take control of it, re-direct my energies, and I choose to use it in a healthier way. Let go of the notion that because you are a certain way there is only one path to follow. Greater people than me have chosen to re-define what the world considers to be a defect in them, and turn it into their greatest asset.
Don't let the thoughts take hold of you and become a microscope on your life. Direct your analytical energies, don't let them direct you.
