Quick Being Human rant- regarding my Asexual headcanons, and also my mom for some reason.
Every time it comes up that I have an ace headcanon for Hal and Tom, my mom gives me this blank stare that tells me she has no clue why I connect to these characters so strongly. And I can't really tell my mom WHY without guilting her. But I figure if there's anywhere I can share it, it's going to be here. So:
The surface level reasoning for my headcanon is that Hal and Tom just remind me so much of myself regarding dating. When they talk about why they can't or shouldn't date, it reads, to me at least, like the lies that I have to tell to people when I don't feel safe explaining my sexuality.
Tom said, "I'm waiting for the right woman," which echoes so strongly all the lies I told to people who wondered why I wasn't trying to have sex- which, at least where I'm from, was the most important thing in the world for everyone around me. But "I'm waiting til marriage," or "I'm trying to focus on school right now," was enough of an excuse to get people off my back, even though I was lying through my teeth.
The deeper reason as to why these characters (and generally why ANY 'monstrous' character who wants to 'become human') resonates me, I can define down to a single event when I was still figuring myself out- probably between 11-13. I realized that the entire world revolves around sex. I was listening to the radio with my mom and I broke down crying, because I realized that my favorite song was about sex, and I was quickly coming to the realization that I'd have to live in a world that wasn't built to suit me.
My mom saw me crying, and I explained why, and she laughed. She said that sex is just a part of life, a part of what makes you human, and that I should get used to it. And I just felt so betrayed. I internalized what she said. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was missing some fundamental piece of my humanity.
Along comes this stupid little British monster show, following all these characters who feel inadequate, who feel they are missing some quality that would make them human. And the finale gut-punched me with the most uplifting, lovely, and deeply touching message:
"To want it is to have it."
It hit me then that I'm really not broken, I'm not inadequate. I am human, not because I met some arbitrary standard, but for the simple fact that I want to be human. To want it is to have it, and I have it.
I want to be, therefore I am.
