#being likeable

[macabregoddess]

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You're living life wrong if you think it's all about being "likeable" & "interesting".

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[thesydneyfeminists]

On Being Likeable

Patriarchy conditions women to believe that our value lies only in our appearance and our ability to please others (especially men). To prevent any form of defiance, our society tells women to be likeable, submissive and ever-pleasant, so that those questioning the norm become immediate outsiders. There is a fine line between being considerate and relentlessly trying to accommodate those around you, a behaviour that stems from the need to uphold a reputation that is acceptable to so-called “polite society”. Women are more harshly criticised about being either kind (too soft) or emotionless (too cold), especially in public forums. This was evident throughout Hillary Clinton’s campaign for president, as well as during her appearance on various television shows (no matter how measured she was, she was always seen as too hard or too soft).

Patriarchal society continues to discredit women who rise to power by casting doubt on her likeability and politeness (not to mention capability). Similar critiques of men are vastly less pivotal to their success. Polite society challenges all individuals to reserve their emotions and shames those seeking comfort, and more significantly targets women by encouraging traditional gender roles.

To clarify, there is a definite need to be kind in appropriate contexts and situations. However, being likeable has become a necessity for women who often have to be very considerate of their manners in any situations where they are being actively judged. While men also face considerations around their likeability, the standards of “respectability” for them are far easier to attain. Successful men can be likeable or not, and it doesn’t factor into their rise to authority.

Of course, there are certainly many women who do not care about their reputation, which sometimes allows them to really focus on their careers and other aspects of their life (albeit often with considerable judgement). As in the television show Suits, Jessica Pearson (founder of a successful law firm) declares, “I’m not going to cower in some corner trying to convince them that I’m friendly; I’m gonna kick some ass and remind them that I’m fierce”. There are always exceptions to the rule, but women who do go against the grain often endure harsh criticism for doing so.

My intention in writing this article is to get people to realise that if they are judging a woman and are using words like “bossy” or “difficult”, they need to ruminate on why they are choosing those words. It’s important to keep in mind that it may have been a great deal of work for that woman to rise to her position, and that she doesn’t owe anyone extra effort outside the confines of her job description.

There is significant emotional labour associated with trying to please others, which is why women that are fighting oppression everyday at work have to put in more effort compared to male colleagues at the same levels. This is unjust and creates barriers for women trying to enter any workplace; additionally, those already in a competitive field may not enjoy their occupation as they are expected to constantly accommodate those around them and make an “extra effort” to please everyone. Learned gendered expectations makes it easy to label a woman who is not being submissive as overbearing, therefore invalidating her experiences and opinions.

It is “polite society” that pressures women to “calm down”, implying that our actions are more exaggerated than standard behaviour. It is an effective tool wielded by the patriarchy to control women, especially those advocating for change. It’s “polite society” that forces women to be careful not to offend anyone, even those that may been imposing on them. A great pop culture example of this is in the film The Notebook. Ryan Gosling’s character hangs off the large Ferris wheel being ridden by his crush, Allison Hamilton (played by Rachael McAdams). During the scene he asks her to go on a date with him. When she replies with no, he lets go of one hand and exclaims that his other hand is slipping; he asks again, and she is forced to say yes, unless she wants to see a man die or become seriously injured because she was too “high-strung”. This tension is experienced by many women over the course of their lifetime, particularly when people use the gendered politics of “polite society” to shame them into submission. Even the most basic concept of not speaking over another person is deeply conditioned into women, making it difficult in various contexts to be heard. For instance, in organised debates during the US presidential election, Hillary Clinton was cut off by Donald Trump and had to try to get her points across whilst also being mindful not to act too “bossy” or “overbearing”. If we are to change these norms, we must create spaces where people of all genders are free to honestly express themselves, without being overly scrutinized on their manners and presentations.

It is important to be courteous in the world as we all have to find ways to get along with one another. However, it’s also imperative to free women from the confines of having to be so vigilant in considering their actions and behaviour and how they might be perceived by those with biased and gendered views on what is considered acceptable.

We need to be respectful of one another, and remind those who are unaware of this often internalised prejudice to stop judging women so harshly. Only when we see all genders as equal and hold them to the same standards can we truly succeed off our own merits.

By: Esther David

References

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/suits-quotes-usa-network

https://fairygodboss.com/articles/how-to-be-likeable

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/better/how-be-more-likable-work-life-ncna791616

http://www.moviequotedb.com/movies/notebook-the/views.html

https://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/22-questions-the-notebook-left-unanswered