be-loved
If you haven’t noticed already, I am someone who likes to dwell on the past quite a bit. It’s partly because I am naturally good at remembering specific details about moments in the past. Like I can remember exactly how I felt when so and so said this or that to me. I find I process my thoughts and feelings through pondering about the past. The questions that often pop in my head are like, “How come that happened?” or “What did she/he mean when he said that?” or “Why did I feel the way I did when...?”. You get the idea. All of this is about my past.
One of the ways I remember the past is to journal. I have a habit of journaling since I was young but I am less consistent with it now. It’s a good way for me to unleash all the thoughts and feelings from within. I find journaling very therapeutic and nourishing to my soul.
Similarly, I started this blog because I really needed a space to express my thoughts and also be creative. I am prone to repressing my feelings and through some sort of creative outlet (blog, music, art, etc.), I feel like I can release the flood of emotions that I don’t often share.
Feelings are a funny thing. I am an empathetic person and therefore, it is really easy for me to feel how others are feelings, just by being with the person. I can’t express this in words but it’s just how I find myself connecting with people, especially people who I care a lot about. I naturally feel how they feel when I spend time with them. This is a great skill in terms of caring for others and meeting their needs but it is not good in terms of caring for myself and recognizing my own needs. I often find it hard to acknowledge and affirm my own feelings because I am very sensitive to the feelings of my friends or family. I get emotionally invested in people really easily and I am finding that it has become unhealthy for my well-being. It stems from a genuine desire for human connection and belonging. In order to meet my need to feel needed, I go and serve others so that I may belong. Everyone has a need to be loved and I often neglect this need.
I recently started reading Gary Chapman’s book on The Five Love Languages and I realize that I need to be okay with my need to want to be loved and cared for. As I have been giving love to others, I need to learn how to receive love too.
If I am thinking about this practically speaking, I can’t serve or help or love others if I am not feeling loved or cared for myself. The bible says that I have to love others as I love myself. It doesn’t say neglect yourself and focus all your attention on other people.
I am reminded of John 4, the passage about the woman at the well and how Jesus, being the perfect human being, humbly asked the woman for a drink. This is crazy right?! I have studied this passage numerous times and every time, I feel convicted to change my attitude about being served. I am actually lying to myself in thinking that I am self-sufficient when I don’t asked to be served by others and don’t let others love me.
In less than 3 days, I will be turning the big fat XX (didn’t think I would give away my age, did ya? LOL). I feel old haha. I hope during my XXth year of living, I would be able to learn how to not only serve and love others like Jesus did but also how to receive love and be served by others like Jesus did. Will you keep me accountable? :)
