Hello I must write this down. I know I said I'm removed from my lessons and from Mezo but today his reaction and response in studio class was just rude. He had no reasonings behind anything he said and it put me in a bad mood. But then Ryan called and then Robyn!!!! And then email from Spencer. So I felt better and I got to practice bass today !! But something is giving me anxiety and I think it's just the idea of big choices in my life. it feels like whenever I have a run-in with mezo it like fuels the fire of my anxieties. And I think it's bc music is so intimate and then his just blatant disregard for me and my music hurts me even though I feel removed. Which makes sense in some ways but not in others? O don't need his approval and I don't want it. So it's more just that it sucks hearing ppl being rude or mean and it's hard to feel removed from the situation. You would think I would be better at this because of Walducock but alas no. Writing this out brings up some sore wounds. I think bc school is in full swing Im feeling this way??? Also I feel very stressed there is too much to do. I need to be practicing wayyy more but I just can't fit it in. Gonna cut down on something. Idek ? It's like mezo causes a chain reaction of feeling anxious, depressed, and angry. Oh right it's bc I felt like I was making progress so what he said didn't matter but then I played today and didn't do my best so I'm doubting myself again. This is why I have a diary. I will continue to progress and my recital will b great and it's because I can and will work hard. So fuck you mezo