I think about Rich in freshman year a lot.
How invisible and suicidal he was hits me hard.
Just those feelings of utter hopelessness. Even Jeremy had a best friend to turn to. Rich didn't. There was no friends house to turn to when things were rough at home. Nobody to text when he was bored. Even the losers had their loser friends. He didn't. He was something else entirely. He didn't know what it felt like to have a best friend who also considered him a best friend.
Sitting in class, everyone around him talked. It was weird to watch as they talked to their table partners. His table partner turned around. He couldn't be that much of a loser. He sat silently.
Maybe it was his fault. He should start initiating conversation. It didn't have to be someone popular. A fellow loser would do. He could never bring himself to walk up to anyone. Fear took hold.
So many people say "No one would miss me if I was gone." And it's very rarely true. They always have these great friends who care, even if they can't see it. Rich had the realization that he didn't even have people to consider. There was no friend he had to panic over secretly disliking him. There was literally no one.
It's a sickening realization. Nobody would miss him if he was gone. Not because they hated him. Maybe it was that. There was no one to hate him. They could be keeping their distance because they hate him.
Somehow, everything he said came out poorly. Well, that isn't it. Everyone reacted poorly to what he said. He didn't understand why they snickered and glared. He didn't think he did anything wrong.
Sometimes he thought there was a rumor going around that kept everyone away from him. Did he stink and he didn't realize? He couldn't be this dislikeable. People worse than him had friends. He didn't even say anything to make them hate him. He never said anything.
Taking a Squip was a stupid idea. He had limited options. He didn't want to live like that anymore. He didn't want to live at all.
The Squip was the only thing that kept him alive, and it was the thing doomed to kill him.