#bench boy

[thedigitaltraphouse2]

Bench Boy - Jimmy Wopo

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Hmm (they need an emoji between 😐 and 🙂)

Like most others from what I’ve seen, Heated Rivalry left me feeling hopeful and believing in love and happy. But since then I’ve seen a couple people say it left them depressed because they realized they’d probably never have that. And ngl I’ve really avoided thinking about that or dwelling on that because I KNOW how easy it is to believe it—and I already kinda did especially because I feel like I had and lost what could’ve been that—and I know that believing that is not helpful

But I just got a little time capsule of my diary from two years ago, my d school senior spring break with B and bench boy, and like… I did have that. Or the foundation that could’ve been that. Obviously if you’ve been here through my word-vomitous, ocd detail hoarding posts about that you know it didn’t get as far, but especially reading these journal entries from that spring break, which was probably the most acutely happy I’ve ever been that chemistry, that undeniable pull, that inevitable orbiting on both our parts and the way we would naturally gravitate to each other and pair off and end up staying in each others company in whatever group activity we were doing when the others had moved on, and the play. God the PLAY, the way he could bring out this playfulness in me like I’ve never been. Like what I and people are and feel when we watch Shane and Ilya’s chemistry.. like I fucking DID have that. And I blew it. I just hope lightning strikes twice.

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.

God.

One joyful gifset to take me back to a place of joy which takes me to a place of painful wistful longing.

I’m often distracted by life lately or under the impression I’m in a more detached state of grief but

When I think about it I still miss him—I miss us, how we were—so fucking much

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In other semi-compulsive brain dumps: last night I had a dream that I was having a sun-dappled nap while bench boy was sitting on the edge of the bed reading, and we were holding hands while we did so and it felt like belonging somewhere.

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well, predictably, i have been very distractable after that dream and my productivity has been shit.

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My diary time capsule sending me an entry from today featuring a really nice playful evening with bench boy and sending me back down a wistful path again primed by that emotionally intense foreplay dream I had out of nowhere earlier this week 🙃

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Electric Avenue by Eddie Grant was playing on the radio as I was driving home just now, and it made me think about, had bench boy and I entered a relationship together, what a source of enrichment the years that were between us would have been. Like given our dynamic and our curiosity and the gentle way we teased each other, it would have been so much fun to introduce to and share with the other the things each of us would have just barely missed

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Sighhhh

just got a "3 years ago, you wrote..." email from my online journal,

about bench boy having borrowed my charger ('I knew if anyone would have one it'd be you"), and trying to get it back to me, to let him know when got home from lab at school. He would check in on me periodically and I told him i was still working on my thing, then that I only had one more tooth to set and i'd be home.

Then telling him I was finally leaving that prison and coming home, but ofc qualifying it with "if it's at all inconvenient I can always make due with my 3" cable 😂" (which he has made quite a bit of playful fun of me for in the past)

and him just texting back "nope. heading over now" 🥺🥹