for you and your denial | brayson
Ben spots Grayson leaving Sam’s house in the aftermath of his latest task.
In Grayson’s experience, sometimes things were just too much to deal with all at once. Some things just had to be put aside for later, when he’d had a chance to catch his breath or knock back a drink or two. This was one of those things, and as he crept out of Sam’s house in the middle of the night, he was pretty certain he needed that drink. Or something. Maybe then it would be easier to process the fact that two months ago he’d kissed a boy, and now he’d just had sex with one. And not even with the same boy he’d kissed. He couldn’t even pin the blame for tonight on Simon, not entirely, even though he wanted to. Simon had been the last thing on his mind once they were back at Sam’s place after all. It wasn't like he was gay though. He liked girls -- loved them -- and that definitely hadn’t changed. And yes, he knew gay and straight weren’t the only options, but even thinking it would...God, it would change everything. This was not how he’d expected his senior year to go, to put it lightly, and he still wasn’t any closer to figuring out what to do about it. Well. That wasn’t quite true. While he’d had no idea how to describe any of it before, now it just felt like there was something lodged in the pit of his stomach, and he was going to have to deal with it sooner or later. Later, though. Definitely later. For now, Grayson just wanted to find his car and get home. Hopefully his mom hadn’t noticed he was gone, because he really didn’t want to answer her questions about what he’d been doing all night. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to fix it all back into place as well as he could, and scanned the street for his car. Where the hell had he parked?
Ben hadn't been outside long. At least, he couldn't really remember how long he had been out there. All he could feel was the cool night wind tickling his spine through his hoodie and the warm smoke filling his lungs. The day had been entirely uneventful, especially since he had decided to abandon his homework and do nothing but play video games all day. By the end of it, he tried to convince himself that too much video games will rot his brain, so instead he found it himself to roll a blunt and walk outside, which could literally rot his brain. His last conversation with Grayson still played in his head, however. He couldn't seem to get the words from spinning in his mind, from everything he had said to everything Grayson had said. Ben was a proper idiot, everyone knew that, but he still couldn't believe some of the bombs he had dropped onto his best friend, especially considering their situation at the moment. A part of him almost suppressed the two memories, never wanting to think of them again, but another part of him held them close, not wanting to let go of something that made him feel a lot less.. alone. He pulled the blunt back to his lips, breathing in the smoke. It was becoming a roach now, which made him realize he must have been outside a lot longer than he thought. Just as he was pulling it back up, though, he saw something from the corner of his eye, a small human figure walking across Sam's lawn. He squinted slightly, looking at the figure that wasn't that far from him. Was Ben just high or was that.. "Grayson?" He called out, moving out of the shawdows of his porch. "Grayson, is that you?"
Grayson’s relief at spotting his car was short lived. He only made it a few steps towards it when he heard someone’s voice calling out his name. Not just anyone’s voice either, but unmistakably Ben’s voice. Fuck. Grayson froze, grimacing. Sure, Ben and Sam were neighbors, but did Ben have to be outside right at this moment? Then again, it somehow didn’t seem too shocking that this would happen to him. Ben had been there for all his other moments like this, so why wouldn’t his friend randomly show up tonight too? Grayson inwardly debated pretending he hadn’t heard Ben, despite the fact that the night around them was quiet and calm. Maybe if he just kept walking then Ben would assume that he was wrong, and it wasn’t really Grayson sneaking out of Sam’s house in the middle of the night. But no -- from where he was standing he could easily see Ben in the moonlight, and he was sure Ben could see him just as clearly. Bolting would be more suspicious, and he was already paranoid enough. What if Ben had already put the pieces together? Or worse, what if he hadn’t even had to, what if someone had told him? Grayson knew he and Sam been practically alone in the movie theater, without anyone else sitting nearby, but what if someone had somehow seen them anyway? Or, taking the prize for most irrational fear of all, what if Ben could just look at him and somehow know something had changed? He took a deep breath before smiling over at Ben. “Uh, yeah, it’s me,” Grayson admitted, making his way over to Ben’s house, arms crossed in front of him. “What’re you doing?”
It took a few moments for his best friend to respond to him, but Ben took no mind to it considering his state at the moment. He was just ready to continue his friendship with Grayson without having to worry about all the baggage that came with it. Despite everything apparently being "fine", Ben knew there was still stuff between them that hadn't been spoken about. However, whether that thought in Ben's mind was conscious to him or not was a mystery. Denial practically ran in his family. "Just, having a smoke." He said, flashing Grayson the roach in his hand. "It's almost done, but if you want a hit or two, i'm sure it'll buzz you." Ben had no idea if that was true; his mind somehow convinced him that saying that was better than being silent. There had been enough silence between them for long enough. "Why were you at Sam's place?" He asked, looking back up at Sam's house behind Grayson. It had just occurred to him that his friend was definitely not leaving his own house, but had walked out of Sam's front door. "Was there some secret nerd convention?"
He eyed what was left of the blunt in Ben’s hand, before deciding that it was worth a shot at least. Roach or no, he could really use a buzz right about now. “Sure,” he said, taking it from Ben, careful not to burn his fingers in the process. Ben didn’t seem to be acting out of the ordinary at least, thank God. Maybe he was just being anxious for no reason -- he and Sam were friends, so it wasn’t that weird that they’d be hanging out. Grayson would just have to talk for a little bit and then say he had to get home to avoid getting yelled at by his parents. It’d be fine. He hoped so at least, because something about the idea of Ben knowing, well. It seemed like it’d be extra horrible. “Yeah, I would’ve asked you to come, but we figured you’d be offended if we invited you to anything called a nerd convention,” he quipped, rolling his eyes and trying very, very hard not to imagine what it’d be like if he actually had invited Ben out for these purposes instead of Sam. “Uh, no, we were just playing video games and lost track of the time.” The excuse came easily, the same one he’d used to invite himself back to Sam’s place in the first place.
Something about his answer sounded odd, but it went right over Ben's head. He wasn't listening as much as he was watching. His eyes went from the roach in Grayson's hands up to his lips. He watched him, and something he felt inside of his strange state was too much for him. He was beginning to have similar urges, ones that he said didn't exist, and he had to make himself look away from his friend in order to convince himself of this. Would he even remember thinking this tomorrow? He hoped not. "Right..." Ben replied, putting his hands in his pockets. Something about that made him uneasy, because Grayson wasn't very close to Sam from what he understood. He had never really seen him go over to Sam's anyway. Or perhaps he was feeling a bit... jealous? Shit. "What did you guys play?"
“The new Fallout,” Grayson said, blurting out the first game that came to mind, despite the fact that he had no idea if Sam even owned that one. He’d just have to hope that Sam was okay going along with an increasingly specific ruse. Right now he needed to change the subject though, at least slightly. The easiest thing would probably be to ask Ben about Sophia, considering the fact that his friend had apparently asked her on a date at some point without bringing it up once before, but Grayson almost felt like he’d rather deal with Ben’s questions than talk about that right now. Bringing up parties right now was out of the question too, considering the fact that drinking with Ben was what had started the whole problem. Jesus, talking to Ben was not supposed to be this hard. “Still can’t beat FIFA -- you and I should get together and play next time you’re free,” he added, quietly willing Ben to talk about his own schedule or favorite games rather than asking any more questions.
The new Fallout? "Well, is it any better than the other three?" Ben wasn't a big fan of Fallout, but he guessed Grayson was. Why didn't I know that? He could feel the cool air beneath the spaces in his jacket and every spec of hair seemed to be flying, but that was only because Ben's time was lapsing slightly. He also got a really sudden need to devour a couple hot pockets. "FIFA is definitely the best," He agreed, his skin shivering a bit. "Why don't you come over? I'm free right now or tomorrow. I also have more kush, if you want to roll up." Ben would be lying if he had said he hadn't been lonely more than usual these past couple weeks. Grayson was the only one that really came around all the time, and it had slowed down since everything had happened. "What do you say?"
“The dog can’t die this time around so, y’know. That’s an improvement,” Grayson said, with a quick grin. He almost faltered when Ben immediately asked him over, because truth be told, yeah -- he would love to just hang out at Ben’s place, even right now. The prior weirdness between them meant he hadn’t been over to Ben’s place in what felt like ages, and he could see how easy it would be to follow Ben back inside, to start up their favorite video game and get high. He had to get home though. He needed to shower, he needed to get some sleep, he needed to figure out how to subtly ask Sam to never breathe a word about this to anyone. “Uh, I can’t right now actually. I gotta get home. You know how my parents can be,” he said, making an exasperated face. It wasn’t too far out of the realm of possibility -- this wouldn’t be the first Friday night he’d had to book it home early to avoid his mom waking up and realizing he wasn’t home yet. “But I can come over tomorrow for sure! Text me, yeah?” he offered, before taking advantage of his hopefully effective exit line to turn towards his car and take a few steps away from this whole mess.
Ben didn't mind the fact that Grayson had to get home. He knew his parents were, that's true, but Ben still couldn't help feeling like that wasn't entirely it. "Of course, tomorrow!" He said, feeling just as chipper. It had been awhile, you can't blame him for being somewhat excited. "I'll text you." He watched, seeing Grayson turn slightly in the light of the street post. "Gray, wait," He said, moving to him quickly. "You have something on your neck," He went to get it, before realizing it wasn't a smudge, or anything of what he /thought/ it was considering Ben's current state. Instead, he felt a surface that felt like it had just dried up, and he realized the spot was a small purple bruise coming up to the surface. You've got to be fucking kidding me? "Gray..." He said again, pulling his hands away cautiously. Even in his state, a part of him knew what was going on, but a part of him didn't want to believe it. He took a small glance back at Sam's house before looking down at Grayson's feet. "You guys weren't playing video games, were you?"
Grayson stopped automatically when Ben asked him to, only to regret it moments later when Ben’s fingers brushed up against a spot on his neck, abruptly making him realize how sore it was. He let out a slight hiss when Ben pressed against what he now realized was a bruise. A hickey, to be specific. He couldn’t see it obviously, and it wasn’t like he’d taken the time to examine his reflection while grabbing his clothes and booking it out of Sam’s place, but even still, Grayson could easily guess what it was. And even worse, he could almost see the pieces fall into place for his friend. Fuck, he’d been so close to making a clean getaway. How could he not think about this possibility? He knew he bruised easily, but he hadn’t ever thought about just how easily until this exact moment. Still, Ben’s open-ended statement gave him some level of plausible deniability, and even as Grayson frowned, his stomach sinking, it didn’t take long for him to decide he should just lie. “Yeah, we were,” he said obstinately, in what he hoped was a convincing tone of voice. He could’ve gotten a hickey from somewhere else, right? It wasn’t like Grayson was some kind of monk.
Ben couldn't explain the feeling that went through him in that moment. It was a mixture of sadness and confusion; he couldn't stop himself from feeling slightly sick as well. He also felt very replaceable. "Don't lie to me, Gray." He said, his mind sobering up slightly from the hurt he was experiencing. He couldn't imagine that happening, so why was he coming up with this conclusion? Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he was just high and coming up with the next best explanation because he didn't want to admit that Grayson had... moved on just like Ben had ("had"). He wanted any explanation but this, but it made the most sense for Ben at the moment. Besides, if it did happen, and Grayson wanted to hide it from him, that obviously meant more was going on between them than Ben wanted to admit. Unfortunately, that was exactly what was happening. "You've got to be fucking kidding me?"
Why couldn’t Ben just let him lie about this? What was so wrong with Grayson wanting this to be his business, and not Ben’s? He didn’t want Ben knowing because...well, he just didn’t. That was all. It was private, and he didn’t need any more reasons other than that. “What does it matter? Why do you care?” he finally said, his tone equal parts angry and petulant when he’d only meant for it to be casual. He and Ben had decided very clearly that they were just going to be friends, whatever else had gone down between them. And it was just...they’d only kissed. It didn’t mean anything. It couldn’t mean anything, obviously, not if Ben reacted by shutting Grayson out for three damn weeks because of it. So Ben didn’t get to turn around and pry into Grayson’s personal life, not when Grayson was dealing the best he could with -- with all of this. He was allowed to shut Ben out too if he had to.
It had been one of the first times he felt Grayson get defensive with him. Not that Ben didn't deserve it, because he did. He could sense a bit of Charlie growing into himself every day, but something about this situation right now made him feel more sensitive. He did feel hurt, but something slightly snapped inside him, making him feel completely pushed out of Grayson's life. He definitely deserved this. "You really fucking did, didn't you?" Ben couldn't believe it. Not only could he not imagine that going down, but he couldn't imagine him doing it with someone like Sam--someone who was so close to Ben before his life had spiraled. Sam was a bit of his childhood that hadn't been ruined yet, but his memory felt pretty tampered now. "What a nerd convention. You couldn't have picked someone else?" Ben felt sick to his stomach, his high obviously being ruined. He could always blame this on the fact that Sam was someone Ben used to know very well, but at the end of the day they both knew what was really bothering them, even if neither of them wanted to do anything about it. Ben sighed, bringing his tone down, because who was he kidding? He isn't angry with him, he isn't hurt. "Do you like him?"
“When did you get so middle school? Obviously I don’t like him. We were just having fun.” And, oh -- maybe he shouldn’t have been quick to spit that out, to somehow reassure Ben that Grayson wasn’t secretly pining over Ben’s old friend. He was still trying to catch up in the conversation though, acting on impulse and unable to find his footing now that they were openly discussing this. Because if Ben was asking that then he thought that maybe Grayson could like Sam. That Grayson was the kind of person who could just like guys that way. And that would mean putting Grayson’s sloppy, drunk attempts at kissing Ben into a whole new light, wouldn’t it? He wanted to follow up his comment with something to shut that down, something to keep the tenuous peace they’d only just recovered. Maybe he should add something like ‘you can kiss someone without liking them’, because it was true, but...he couldn’t bring himself to say it, not even in that vague sense. “Look, can you just -- don’t tell anyone, okay? It’s not their fucking business either,” he finally said, gaze now firmly pinned anywhere but at Ben. Even just asking that felt like an admission. People didn’t keep secrets unless they mattered, and even if he wasn’t interested in Sam, Grayson knew that tonight mattered. He didn’t know how Simon had found out about his confusion, but they were right -- this particular task had forced him to stopped ignoring it even just temporarily, and no matter how much he was avoiding reaching any conclusions right now it almost felt like it was only a matter of time now before he lost control of all of this and had to stare it in the face.
Ben just watched his friend as he went through an emotional roller coaster. In the midst of his answer, Ben also got a small confession, which made his stomach drop even more. We were just having fun. Right, because stuff like that was just fun these days. They both belonged to a group known as the fuckboys(TM), how did he not expect this from him? He couldn't help but wonder if he had shown the same type of determination, if he had obviously just wanted a bit of fun but instead had everything turn into this big mess of bullshit. Why couldn't everything be easy? "Got it," Ben finally said, "I don't have anyone to tell." The only person he told absolutely everything to had been Grayson. Although he liked Sophia, there were some things you just couldn't tell friends that were girls. Guy things were sacred, but even if he could do it to spite Grayson, he wouldn't be able to bring himself to do it. It just wouldn't feel right. "Well... I hope you enjoyed it, then."
“Okay.” Grayson took a deep breath, finally looking back over at Ben. “Thanks.” Whatever this conversation was it seemed to be drawing to a end now, and Grayson jumped on the opportunity to escape once more. He didn’t particularly feel like this was closure, but it was late and he didn’t really know what closure would even look like right now. “I really do have to get home though,” he mumbled, not entirely sure if his invite for tomorrow still stood, but deciding not to mention it at the moment. “I’ll uh, I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Hopefully their next conversation wouldn’t be so damn draining. He just wanted to walk away from Ben without feeling so exposed and tired was that too much to ask? Apparently so, these days. He climbed into his car and took a moment to lean back against the headrest and close his eyes, quietly muttering ‘fuck’ under his breath. Tonight had definitely been...something. Grayson sighed, started up the car, and drove off, unable to resist glancing at Ben one last time in the rear-view mirror.
