5 years I have lived without you. 5 long, hard, and draining years have passed as your memory fades into something that I can’t remember the same as I did just a few years ago. I can’t remember the way you felt or the way you smelled, I can’t remember exactly what the faces were that you made or what it felt like when you squeezed onto my finger.
But I can remember the gifts you have given me throughout those 5 years. The experiences, the memories, the wisdom, the ability to have a happy, fulfilled and healthy life. I can remember what it was like to be dark and twisty and alone. When nothing in the world mattered because you weren’t here and I didn’t think there would be any reason to be here in this world without you. I can remember what it was like to want to drive into a wall on those late night drives because going home didn’t mean happiness. I can remember how lonely, and isolated and worthless I felt. My body had failed us, and I had nothing else to live for.
But now I get to remember what happiness looks like and feels like and what a life with purpose is. I don’t blame your existence for the dark times, I look back and feel grateful that I had those times and that you existed because I was able to really see the light in life and what it was going to look like for me. I didn’t know my abilities, my strengths, or my weaknesses and every day I am still learning, but I’m learning them because of you. I have so much to learn and grow from still and a lot of the times I see myself making mistakes because there’s still that part of me that’s angry at the world for taking you. And for that, I’m sorry. But I’m learning and I’m growing and I’m living the best life because of you.
I can’t go back and undo what happened to you. I can’t change anything and I’m okay with that. I have accepted that, and I have so many things to be grateful for now. I don’t think there’s anything I would give to bring you back because you brought me back already. And so much more than I could’ve ever imagined you to. You are forever the light in my life and the love in my heart, and because of you I am who I am today. I may not be perfect, I may have room for growth, and I may need to let go of some of the darkness that’s still within, but thank you for showing me what you have this far. I’m thankful to have the rest of my life to grow and become because of your mere 30 hours here on this Earth.
Happy Birthday Bennett.
Love,
Your Mom.