Melanie Anne

Words that come from me, but the world gets to interpret

[marquimode]

Brut

There's a place in the world for all of us — regardless of gender, sexuality, or body type. That's the rallying cry of this body positivit

YOU GUYSS!!! IM FREAKIN OUT!!! I got to sit down with Brut to talk about me, my upbringing, and how I hopefully want my message to be heard!

I CANNOT THANK ALL OF YOU GUYS ENOUGH FOR ANY SUPPORT YOUVE EVER SHOWN ME!!!!!

PLEASE BOOST THIS!

MANY AFRO/LATINX/FAT/GNC/FEMME PEOPLE IN SMALL TOWNS NEED TO SEE THIS!

VISIBILITY IS SO IMPORTANT IN THIS WORLD AND ALL I ASK IF YOU SPREAD THIS!

[1doll1]

SHUT UP; KISS IT - TL; DR

[distracting-from-ttc]

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, and I believe it should be celebrated; whether it lasts 3 weeks or 9 months.

@myrainbowboyandme (via distracting-from-ttc)

[meluhnii]

I daydream about who you will be. That we both survive this and my arms will finally feel the weight of what they’ve been missing for so many years. That your cries will fill holes in my heart that have never closed, that your laughs will bring harmony to my ears, and that the love you’ll show me will elevate the happiness and joy your dad has brought to my life. I daydream that you will survive this and you are meant to be because the weight of losing you is unbearable in my mind. Some days I wish this would speed up and others I’m happy that the pace is steady and know I just need to be patient for what lies ahead. I can’t wait to meet you but I can all at the same time because I’m desperate for your health and well being. I’m hopeful you will truly be the rainbow after the storm that so many talk about. You are already so perfect to me.

[meluhnii]

The dreaded year

I thought about this year approaching since the moment I left that empty hospital. The year all the other kids who were born around the same time as you would be off going to school. Going to kindergarten. Starting their journey with their education. The one thing that would really start to flourish who you would've been. I dreamed of what your favorite subjects would be. If you would be anything like me and love to write and do art, or if you would have a trade you loved like your father. I dreamed of who your teachers would be. How I would handle the fact that my baby would be a person who was starting his journey into the world. I wondered what people would call you. If they'd call you biggie like your dad and I always did, or if they would call you Bennett. We thought so hard for your name, we didn't want anyone to be able to call you something we didn't like. What the nurse would be like if you had an injury and needed me to come and get you. If you were sick or forgot your homework. As I watch the pictures flood my Facebook feed, my Instagram feed, and the mouths of the people I encounter every day; my heart does nothing but miss you. I miss the idea of who you were going to become and what I would take on as your mentor. I miss the presence of you, and what you brought to my life. And as every year passes even more, I feel as though people forget this was your year to go out into the world that wouldn't just be our home or where I took you. That I won't come home to ask you every single thing about your day. That I'll continue on my life like I have since you left, but always remembering where you would've been today. ❤️

[meluhnii]

Sorry, not sorry for my love being front and center of your news feeds.

I’m so tired of reading people complain or judge couples for posting pictures of their relationship every single second of their lives. Complaining that they’re just putting on a front because they want people to think they’re happy, because they’re really not. Or judging couples for what they post because deep down they’re insecure and failing at their own issues.

I hear the sly remarks and jokes made about the hashtags or the sappy love posts. I hear the insecurity behind their voices, and the lust they desire because their partner barely acknowledges their existence. There isn’t any requirements for telling or not telling the world how unbelievably happy and in love you are. Hell, it’s really none of my business or your business what the world thinks of your relationship, but let’s face it… It feels damn good to let the world know.

It feels good that my friends and my family, and the ones who live in other countries or we don’t speak to frequently know that all is well. It feels good to know that your partner is not ashamed of you being in their lives. It feels good to know you’re loved, admired, and appreciated. It feels good to know you’re proud of the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. That the world finally gets to see you happy, and happy with someone else.

It feels good to know that my love inspires other loves. That people will stop and say, thank you for being so open, because I know what I want my love to look like. To show the world that you don’t have to be in a dark place, and that regardless of what you choose to show the world, your partner should make you feel like no one else is a part of it. They want you to feel beautiful all the time, included in their days, made top priority in every decision, and always hand in hand as you discover new places or have new experiences.

I’m thankful every single day for the paths that occurred to make mine meet Alan’s. I’m thankful every single day that I finally get my happy ending and after all the world has to offer, I get to share it with him. So I’ll never be sorry for my love being front and center of your news feeds because it’s front and center of every part of my life.

[meluhnii]

You are everything

[hydramoon]

Anyone in Orlando or has followers from the area please!

AB, O+ and O- blood donors needed ASAP!!! Due to the shooting overnight, the hospital and blood bank is critically low right now for donated blood. If you are able, please go this morning to donate at one of the locations below. This valuable gift you can give is a direct way to help those injured from this tragic incident. The Orange, Osceola, and Seminole locations open today are:

Orlando - West Michigan Donor Center 345 West Michigan St #106 Orlando, FL 32806 Phone: [phone] Fax: [phone] Sun: 7:00 AM - 2:00 PM

Orlando - Main Donor Center 8669 Commodity Circle Orlando, FL 32819 Phone: [phone] Fax: [phone] Sun: 7:00 AM - 1:00 PM

Apopka Donor Center 131 North Park Ave Apopka, FL 32703 Phone: [phone] Fax: [phone] Sun: 9:00 AM - 3:00 PM

Kissimmee Donor Center 1029 North John Young Pkwy Kissimmee, FL 34741 Phone: [phone] Fax: [phone] Sun: 8:00 AM - 2:00 PM

Oviedo Donor Center 1954 West 426 #1100 Oviedo, FL 32765 Phone: [phone] Fax: [phone] Sun: 7:00 AM - 3:00 PM

Lake Mary Donor Center 105 Waymont Ct #101 Lake Mary , FL 32746 Phone: [phone] Fax: [phone] Sun: 8:00 AM - 2:00 PM

[jakfruit]

[meluhnii]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ captured us so beautifully

[meluhnii]

To the Moms the world forgets about,

I remember you.

I remember the joy you felt when you saw those two blue lines starting your journey. I remember the nerves that quickly followed and then the tears that never seemed to stop. I remember the anxious phone calls you made to share the news with your family and friends and partner. I remember the ones who were joyed, and the ones who judged, and the ones who built your confidence up that this was the best blessing you would ever receive. I remember the first time you saw that little baby in your belly and heard the noises from their heartbeat. I remember the first time you felt the flutters in your tummy and had no idea what was going on. I remember buying the first baby item and being nervous it was too soon because you hadn’t made it out of the “safe zone”. I remember hitting 13 weeks and 1 day and thinking this was it, we were going to make it. I remember the mothers “intuition” that you were so certain you knew the sex because you were babies mom and you had that special bond. I remember all too quickly being absolutely wrong at the gender scan but being elated because this was it! You’re a mom! I remember spending all night crafting your super cute and pinteresty invitations for the baby shower your best friend would throw. Oh and that theme; they had to match the theme. I remember all the friends, the family, and the fun you had celebrating that new path with them. I remember hitting the third trimester, and then it kept trekking along. Nothing in the world was going to stop this. I remember the first appointment the doctors questioned if something was up but quickly reassured you it was nothing. You’re just tiny and tiny babies aren’t bad either. I mean not ALL babies are 8lbs! I remember picking out the nursery theme and spending weeks preparing, cleaning, decorating, and the laundry! Okay, it wasn’t weeks, it was months worth of work. I remember you buying that special baby detergent to wash all the clothes you had bought because you have to use the special baby detergent. I mean, how good does it smell?! I remember the second appointment the doctor said something might be up, but you were fine. I remember the countdowns and the weekly belly progress photos that your entire Facebook page secretly despised you for but commented and liked anyways. I remember the ultrasound they ordered that swiftly turned them into unexpectedly inducing your labor. I remember the fear that you had when the doctor told you the worst case scenario was death but quickly assured you that wasn’t going to happen. I remember that night you spent in the hospital by yourself because your partner left you alone to go get sleep so selfishly. I remember the anxiety and fear and just pure torture it was to not know the outcome of what was to come. I remember the contractions, and the exercise ball bounces, followed by the awkward positions and attempts to feel somewhat comfortable because you were not getting drugs! I remember being so tired you succumb to those drugs because there’s nothing worse than this feeling. I remember the tears that ran down your face as your baby made its first cries and you had successfully given birth, and there was still so much hope. I remember the hopes and desires that came and reassured you nothing was going to happen. I remember the quick look over, followed by the run to the nursery they did. That left you alone and empty handed from that newborn baby you were so desperate to hold and breastfeed within that first hour of life. I remember the exhaustion and lethargic feelings you had after 30 long hours of labor and wanting to get some sleep. I remember being so scared to be in the way of the doctors and not having the physical ability to go in the nursery. And I remember that time they made you come into the nursery after 29.5 hours of pure hell. The ups and downs. The coding. The revival. The everything is okay, but maybe it’s not. Okay it’s really not. I remember the words from the doctor saying they were going to let your baby go because there was nothing else they could do. I remember you collapsing to the floor. I remember you kissing your baby goodbye and the machines flat lining as the chest compressions ended. I remember you leaving the room in desperation to call your mom and tell her what had happened. I remember you finally getting to hold your baby for the first time but his lifeless body leaving you stunned, alone, and destroyed. I remember leaving the hospital with your brand new car seat and baby blanket in the back seat; empty. I remember you having to make the phone calls as your family sat down for thanksgiving dinner to tell them your new baby was dead and there wasn’t going to be a first grandchild. I remember you having to make funeral arrangements and muster up the courage to shop for the urn. I remember the funeral your friends attended with you, and receiving that warm jar at the end with your babies ashes in it. And I remember that moment feeling like your motherhood journey had ended and the world was going to forget.

But I remember every day. The world remembers every day because from the day that stick turns positive, you’ve entered the world of being a Mom. You might not be the mom that has frazzled hair and is a basket case because she can’t control her kids, but you’re still the mom that has a love that not everyone gets to experience. You’re still the mom who’s child heard her heartbeat from the inside and that your body held, loved, developed, and grew a new place in your heart for. You know the love that never dies. You know the dark in the world, but you know the love in this world too. You have a different outlook, appreciation, and love for being a mom. Don’t let the world forget because I haven’t, and I never will.

Happy Mothers Day to the moms the world forgets about, because I remember. And a lot of other moms do too.

xx Bennett’s Mom.

[meluhnii]

Of all of my life choices, this was the best one yet. 

Simplicity. Humbleness. Us. 

Marriage is you. Marriage is waking up every morning and sneaking as many kisses in without waking each other up before their alarm. Marriage is putting the other person first, and never anywhere short of that. Marriage is picking up a surprise at the grocery store because you want that little extra spark in their day. Marriage is communicating everything, no matter how easy or hard, and never ignoring discovering an end. Marriage is being weird and saying fuck societies standards of normal. Marriage is saving as much money as you can to turn around and spend it on nothing but plane tickets.  Marriage is doing the chores you loath doing to put your partner’s life at ease. Marriage is listening to the vents, the frustrations, and work rants and never pushing too far but keeping their best interest in mind.  Marriage is staying up for hours organizing, reviewing, and triple and quadruple checking the paperwork to start the immigration process. Marriage is group texts and facetime’s with the family because they’re 5000 miles away. Marriage is loving you, every single day, no matter what the day has faced. Marriage is making sacrifices to spend time together and never holding it against one another.  Marriage is putting the needs over wants.  Marriage is never ending love and infatuation.  Marriage is cuddles in on a rainy day instead of wild nights out with day long hangovers.  Marriage is choosing each other over other people, no matter what their reaction may be.  Marriage is knowing what the other is thinking and never pushing further than you need to.  Marriage is sending the reminders of why you love and appreciate one another. Marriage is never holding the baggage over their head or against them when the past comes walking through. Marriage is accepting the life that has made your partner who they are.  Marriage is wiping away the tears from sadness and laughter.  Marriage is knowing each others love languages and fulfilling those needs. Marriage is arguing because you’re discovering where not to venture off to the next time you get annoyed.  Marriage is a daily choice to be there, be present, be loving and be the best person you can be for your partner. 

Choosing you was not an option but a natural instinct. Loving you is like blood already flowing through my body. And this lifetime together is more than I ever could have dreamed it to be. It feels like it’s been years, but it’s merely months into what forever will be. Thanks for being my everything. 

*Sometimes you stumble upon a photo that just puts everything into perspective.

[meluhnii]

6 years ago today I began my journey as a Mother. I got on my bicycle and rode my bike to the store to get a pregnancy test before my partner was going to be in class for the rest of the day. I remember so vividly sitting there watching the test turn bright blue and having no idea what the rest of that journey was going to entail. I never thought it would leave me sitting here 6 years later, in such a different place. 

My journey as a mother has been the most rewarding duty I’ve ever had. To learn so much about the world, the human body, and the little heart that beat inside his chest. To learn that life is so precious and can be taken at any point, so we need to embrace the minutes we have, and flourish in life because it is not promised. That my journey as a mother has been to help other mom’s carry on in life when they are in the rock bottom place of their world ending too. To learn empathy for what others go through in life, and that you can’t judge somebody else because you have no idea what they are going through. To learn that heart disease fucking sucks, and sometimes theres just not a damn thing you can do to save someone’s life. To learn that maybe my journey doesn’t look the same as everyone else’s, but my life is so enriched because I know what can be taken so quickly and abruptly. To have a partner that you love with every ounce of your being because when it comes to bringing a new life into this world, I want all the things I didn’t get the first time around. To love unconditionally, because even if you love the wrong person, that person will find you. To be thankful every day of the lessons we learn, the people we encounter, and the time that we have. 

As the milestones turn on year 6, I sit here, sad, and empty handed, but grateful for the last 6 years of my life and everything it has taught me. As I have the moments of grief that come, I know I have a partner who will love and support me through it. That even though people forget, and as new people enter this world, B gets pushed into the file cabinets of minds, he still existed and I get to remember and cherish and embrace that every single day. And even though people have never understood my need to share, or my desires for the world to know that he existed, I feel complete because I am strong enough to share and will never turn my head on the best gift I’ve ever received. 

Thanks for making me a mom. Not the type I thought I would be, but the one I was destined to become. 

[meluhnii]

Because we don’t need just one day.

I waited 23 years, 11 months, and 21 days to find you. And there you came… On a sunny afternoon, at a soccer game, brought together by an awkward encounter and no expectations. I knew days later I would love you and would show you every day that I loved you.

We don’t need a day on the calendar to express that we love each other. We don’t need flowers that die, chocolate that I already consume on a daily basis, a teddy bear that will get shoved to the back of the closet, a dinner out at an overcrowded joint just to fit the mold, or a card that will get read once and tucked away to read 50 years later.

We tell each other every day that we love each other. My husband makes sure to always tell me how beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, obsessed, or whatever else he comes up with to express my beauty. We already spend time together going out on adventures and exploring new restaurants. We don’t need to buy gifts to feel loved. Instead we save our money and spend it on experiences rather than dust collectors. His words are written on his face when he kisses me good morning and kisses me good night. His words are wrapped through the hugs he gives me because he’s so excited to be home at the end of the day. And our love is something we show each other, every single day, and not just on one day of the year when the rest of the world is going out of there way to make up for all of the other days.

You won’t see us out celebrating Valentines Day, and when you find yourself over planning, over stressing, and going more above and beyond than you would any other day, ask yourself, for what? Relationships are about every day. Not just one day.

[meluhnii]

5 years I have lived without you. 5 long, hard, and draining years have passed as your memory fades into something that I can’t remember the same as I did just a few years ago. I can’t remember the way you felt or the way you smelled, I can’t remember exactly what the faces were that you made or what it felt like when you squeezed onto my finger. 

But I can remember the gifts you have given me throughout those 5 years. The experiences, the memories, the wisdom, the ability to have a happy, fulfilled and healthy life. I can remember what it was like to be dark and twisty and alone. When nothing in the world mattered because you weren’t here and I didn’t think there would be any reason to be here in this world without you. I can remember what it was like to want to drive into a wall on those late night drives because going home didn’t mean happiness. I can remember how lonely, and isolated and worthless I felt. My body had failed us, and I had nothing else to live for. 

But now I get to remember what happiness looks like and feels like and what a life with purpose is. I don’t blame your existence for the dark times, I look back and feel grateful that I had those times and that you existed because I was able to really see the light in life and what it was going to look like for me. I didn’t know my abilities, my strengths, or my weaknesses and every day I am still learning, but I’m learning them because of you. I have so much to learn and grow from still and a lot of the times I see myself making mistakes because there’s still that part of me that’s angry at the world for taking you. And for that, I’m sorry. But I’m learning and I’m growing and I’m living the best life because of you. 

I can’t go back and undo what happened to you. I can’t change anything and I’m okay with that. I have accepted that, and I have so many things to be grateful for now. I don’t think there’s anything I would give to bring you back because you brought me back already. And so much more than I could’ve ever imagined you to. You are forever the light in my life and the love in my heart, and because of you I am who I am today. I may not be perfect, I may have room for growth, and I may need to let go of some of the darkness that’s still within, but thank you for showing me what you have this far. I’m thankful to have the rest of my life to grow and become because of your mere 30 hours here on this Earth. 

Happy Birthday Bennett. 

Love, 

Your Mom.

[taylorswift]

Praying for Paris. Ours hearts are breaking for and with you.

[meluhnii]

As I go through the photos on my computer, I’m passed with the memories of friends that no longer roam presence in my life. I used to think it was a harmful thing to have had failed friendships and that there was this big chip on my shoulder because I invested in people who ended up leaving. Granted, I wasn’t always on the best end of why those relationships ended and am guilty of making foolish mistakes that I would’ve done the same for had the tables been turned, but I got to thinking... 

I’ve always been set on the fact that people come in your life for a reason, and exit when they no longer serve a purpose. I like to think this is why any form of a relationship fails, because we learn, we adapt, we change and we should always remain grateful for the time we spent with those people. I’ve held on to a lot of anger, resentment, and annoyance with the way people have behaved in my life and the way they’ve been so quick to walk away. But I can’t help but look back now and just say thank you to those who were in my life, no matter how long, and know that they were a part of bringing me to the point I am today. 

I’m happy, I’m healthy, I have the love of my life, and the best of friends I could ever ask for. So as I clean out the memories, I remain grateful and feel content with the ability to move forward and keep nothing but peace and love in my heart for those times, those memories, and those secrets that will always remain. 

[meluhnii]

Being Godless and losing a child.

Last year I wrote a really raw article that discussed all the things they don’t tell you when your child dies (you can read it here). For those of you who aren’t aware by the lighting of the candle requests and profile picture changes stating “I am 1 in 4″ on facebook... October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. It’s the month of the year that we get to talk about our babies that have died whether you like it or not, and it’s the moments that we plead that you don’t forget what we have been through and that although our kids aren’t here now, they were at some point. I love the messages that people share, and I love that people aren’t afraid to talk about something that is so taboo and hard to talk about throughout the year. As we answer the questions about how many kids we have with lies because we don’t want to share our story, it’s a sigh of relief to feel “free” to talk about what we have been through.

It became apparent to me the few minutes I was holding my dead son that my entire life was about to change, and it was changing in ways that even I didn’t know how.  It became apparent that as the pastor sat next to me and said a prayer and spoke his peaceful words to God. It became apparent as the stranger put her hand on my shoulder and told me that it was all a part of God’s plan. It became apparent to me as the woman spoke that my son was too perfect for this earth and was in Heaven with God. It became apparent as the older gentlemen told me that my son was looking down on me from Heaven. It became apparent as the words were uttered that my son was with God now, and everything was going to be okay. It became apparent as the high school friend told me that everything would be okay because when my time came and I died, I would see my son again in Heaven.  It became apparent as I saw the t-shirts stating “My son is an Angel”. It became apparent as the bibles were given as gifts of comfort.  It became apparent when you go to the book store to find books about grief and loss and they all seem to start with the phrase, “Your Angel”. It became apparent as the memorial jewelry online was all accompanied with angel wings and the customization of your child’s initials, or hand prints, or whatever your heart desired.  It became apparent as the man stood up at my son’s funeral and spoke the words of God and that God was going to lead us on this journey.  It became apparent as I was told that God wouldn’t have given me this life if I wasn’t strong enough to handle it.  It became so apparent as I shopped for urns and couldn’t find many that didn’t have God associated in some way, shape, or form.  It became apparent that the world forgot that I have always been a Godless person, and I’ve always been okay with that. I was going to have to walk through a lifetime of people feeling like religion was going to be the only way I could cope with my experiences, and that some way, shape, or form, God was going to be the one who got me through the hell that would be my years to follow. 

Through the years I have grieved in ways people would never understand. I turned to depression and self loathing. I turned to rebellion and desperation. I turned to love and sadness. But I never once turned my back on myself and my beliefs that this world is something we navigate on our own and it is up to us to determine what happens in our lives. I never once thanked God for the experiences, I never once yearned for God to make my pain go away, or for my life to turn around and make something out of it. I turned to my friends, my family, and most importantly myself. 

I only wish the world could respect the fact that I am at peace, and have always been at peace that my time with my son had a date stamped on it, and hours that I can’t get back, but most importantly, those were all I will ever get with him. I don’t need to feel sad knowing that I won’t see him again. I don’t need to linger on and grasp onto hope and desperation that our paths will cross again, or his “soul” will be reborn and I will get the chance to know him.

I won’t. 

I won’t ever hold him again, 

I won’t ever hear him cry again, 

I won’t ever feel him squeeze my fingers tightly,

I won’t ever kiss him on his forehead again, 

and I won’t ever feel his warm touch,

but I’m okay with that. 

When you embrace the people who don’t turn to God to get through the hard times, its not your place to judge, it’s not your place to hold an opinion, but you should take a step back and give them a pat on the back for taking on the strength within themselves to pick their ass up and carry on in life. Because I will tell you, there’s nothing harder than getting your head in the game and continuing on with life after you experience the loss of a child. 

Don’t pity me because of what I know and what I accept. Don’t judge me because I don’t need God like you do. And don’t do anything but love because love is the only thing that’s going to get you through this life. Through the good and the bad. I will always be grateful for the numbered hours I received, but I can accept in my heart that those hours will always remain precious and special because I won’t ever experience them again.