On top of a neatly made bed, is a small portable tablet. Wandering over to it, you see that it hasn’t been locked, and the “notes” section is opened. Casually peering over to it, you start to read what it says.
There are very few things that I’ve ever wondered if I would be better off living with or without.
Love is the most prominent one.
I used to live the majority of my life thinking that it was unnecessary—that it was a distraction. And when I write “love” I mean specifically the love that requires the presence of a significant other. Not that of a parent or a sibling—or even a close friend—but someone who happens to be a little more than that.
Someone to share a bed with, share a meal with. Someone with whom you can share some of your best-kept secrets and not have to worry about them telling the entire world or stabbing you in the back. Someone with whom you can spend the rest of your life with.
That’s the type of person I’m talking about.
I’d be lying if I said that at first I didn’t get a bit jealous of seeing all these couples when I was growing up. They looked, well…happy…but after not very long, to be honest, I decided that even happiness was unnecessary. It was something that I didn’t need because I didn’t deserve it. At least not yet.
I’m not a perfect person nor will I ever be. I see myself as the type of person who can live simply fine without the company of another, but I know that that, too, would be a lie because I can’t necessarily live very, well…happily without Aman or Cerise. Or my parents, for that matter.
Recently, though…I’ve started to think that I’ve been wrong about this whole thing.
I’ll be honest and say that at first I thought that this person was quite a bit of an idiot. Well, honestly speaking I still do think that they’re an idiot, but…that’s part of their charm. Their never-ending smile, their energy—everything about them…
It’s…it’s a very strange thing.
I’ve lived my entire life never once having been kissed by someone who wasn’t related to me. I’ve lived my entire life turning down any confession given to me and perhaps even breaking a few hearts—but this was the first time that someone had ever approached me and was dead-set on making their feelings, well, felt.
Whilst I do adore watching the interactions between others, observing their behavior and learning to read their actions—I’m a novice when it comes to my own interaction with others. Perhaps it’s because I’m far too analytical in this. So when I met this person, well…They threw me completely off.
And now to think that we’re going out. We're “significant others.”
Actually we’ve been going out for a few months now. And we’re actually living together. So it seems to be that I am rather…what’s the word…I’m being rather hypocritical on the whole thing. I haven’t been thinking about this just recently—I’ve been thinking about it since I first met this person.
Their kisses. Their warmth. Their proximity and their kindness. The feeling of their skin against mine and everything—everything about this person…simply thinking about this person makes my heart flutter. I might sound like a high-school teenager who’s just started dating the person of their dreams but—honestly…when you’ve lived practically 28 years without ever dating someone, without reciprocating some sort of romantic affection towards someone…everything feels so new. Well, because obviously all of this is new. I’ve been lucky enough that this whole relationship hasn’t fallen to ruin already—mostly because I’m a bit of an asshole. I’m not good with social interaction so I still can’t really fathom the idea that this person really, well…loves me.
But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love them.
I’d be lying if I said that this person hasn’t flipped my life upside down and made me rethink so many of my past thoughts.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy their warmth, that I didn’t enjoy the times that they kissed me by surprise just to see me blush, that I didn’t want them near me.
I love this person and I don’t want them to be far away from me. I don’t want them to stop kissing me at random. I don’t want them to stop smiling and don’t want them to stop being themself.
Every time I hear those words from them, my heart seems to skip a beat, and I simply tell them to shut up. But the truth is that I enjoy every time they say it and I don’t want them to stop saying it.
So I’ve come to decide that living a life without loving someone else in a romantic way would be terribly sad. It’d be terribly sad and lonely.
I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before…because I can promise you…that there is nothing better than waking up and seeing their face merely centimeters away from yours. To hear them breathing faintly, when you’re curled up in their arms. To come home and greet them, or to greet them when they come home. This warmth and this presence of another is something that I’ve come to learn that I couldn’t live without. That I don’t want to live without. Because when all is said and done…
I love this person very…very much.
…now if only I wasn’t such a wuss and could tell them…
Who knew three words could hold so much meaning.
Human language really is a very strange thing.
