alone.
One Word Drabbles
a·lone
adjective & adverb & verb & noun
to be trapped behind one’s own teeth.
the deprivation of loved ones, self inflicted or not.
Synonyms: trapped in a small room, beholden to the past, keeper of locked doors.
Hugh Crain, questionably sane, stood by himself against the glow of unfamiliar street lights, holding darkness within; he had stood silent for ten years and might keep silent for even longer. Within, his heart beat steadily, thoughts trailed quietly, resolve was firm, and mouth was sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the inside of Hugh’s teeth, and wherever he walked, he walked alone.
He was missing them all the time now. Steve was in his twenties, moved away from Janet to stay with Leigh, unsure of his future. Shirley wasn’t far behind, but she’d found the money to go to school, and so she was taking anatomy classes, talking about being a doctor, perhaps. Theo was still with Janet and running wild, bursting to leave the house, but still not ready to go off on her own. Luke had taken up drinking and getting in trouble at school, and Nellie was writing him letters about all of it.
Framed by the light of the stairway, Hugh made his way up to his apartment and collapsed into bed without a sound. The ache that had settled in his bones felt good, like he’d earned his rest, like maybe he’d done enough for the kids today. There was always an envelope ready, stuffed with most of his month’s paycheck to send to Janet, now being doled out to each kid for whatever they saw fit. It was never enough to send them to school, or to buy them all a house (a dream he’d long since given up), but the way his hands crusted over in the winter, and his back ached in the summer, he thought, it had to be enough. He’d always been the one to cut himself some slack. He and Olivia both. There were things out there that he could not control, and maybe they could hurt him, or the kids, but they were just the obstacles they had to pass.
He neglected to eat dinner in favor of dreaming. His eyes still open, he liked to drift off into his thoughts before he let his dreams take him into the dark. He reached into his memory for Olivia and came up with nothing. Today he was just too exhausted, it seemed, to hold a decent conversation.
Hugh was at the threshold of sleep when Olivia called his name.
“Hugh, did you read Nellie’s letter yet?”
He sat up.
“No, I thought I’d read it tomorrow so I could really, uh, process it.”
She handed it over to him, blue pen on manila puffalope. The stamp was a pastel colored bird. He ripped open the edge, too clumsy to get a clean tear.
Dear Dad,
I miss you as always and hope you’re doing well. Did you get that construction job you mentioned? I am finishing sophomore year with straight A’s, if you don’t count the B+ in math, and I’m doing well.
Luke got caught smoking in the bathroom again, so I guess your suggestion about getting him on the soccer team isn’t going to work out. He says he doesn’t like soccer anyway.
Theo got arrested for punching a stranger at a bus stop. He was being pretty rude, apparently, but I’m not sure about what. She doesn’t talk to us much these days.
I haven’t heard from Shirley or Steve lately, but I guess she’s doing well in college, and Steve was talking about buying an engagement ring for Leigh, but don’t tell anyone I told you.
Don’t work too hard, and remember you’re welcome to visit this Christmas. Janet said not to bother with gifts this year.
I love you,
Nell
A stain darkened next to the letters of her name. He wiped at his face and stood to grab a pen and paper. It was a strange coincidence how he felt that her letters only contained a tiny, tiny part of their lives, like looking at a mountain through a view finder, while the words he spoke only gave the tiniest glimpse into what he really wanted to say. With his letters, he could find his voice well enough to be mostly truthful with her.
Nellie,
I got the job, but it’s hard work. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to call or visit in awhile. I’m just tired. I’m happy though, because I should be able to send a little more your way for awhile, and I’m glad to hear you’re doing well. Tell your siblings I love them very much, especially Luke and Theo. It sounds like they need it.
I wish I knew how to help. They’re both going through their own trials and all I can think to do is to love them through it. I’ll try to make it for Christmas, and I’m bringing gifts. They’re already bought.
Tell Steve congratulations for me when he proposes. I’ll pretend to be surprised later. I’m so excited for him and Leigh, they’ve always been so wonderful together, supporting each other like the family I know they’ll be. I can’t explain how glad I am that he’s found someone.
This is unrelated, but if you can, ask him how his book is going.
I love you too,
Dad
He set the letter on his desk and lied back down, facing the empty side of the bed.
