“She pushed at my chest laughing. I loved that she called Alexis my sister. There was never a question in her voice or one of the strange looks everyone always gave us, and that made me love Jules even more.
That slammed into me hard and I tightened my hold around her waist. I loved her. And it would only be a matter of time before I lost her.”
“I flung the taxi door open and froze a half-step out. Berk sat on my front steps. Once he saw me, he stood up. He knew. Why else would he be here waiting? His gaze was trained on me like he was seeing me with new eyes. I couldn’t face him right now. “Can we talk later?” Like the scaredy cat I was, I scurried up the steps, bypassing him, and shoved my key into the door lock.
“Did you write the letters?”
“Berk, can we talk about this later?” My heart attempted a speedy exit from my throat. I opened the door.
“No, we need to talk about this now.” He wrapped his fingers around my arm, holding me in place. “LJ showed me some post saying you were The Letter Girl.”
I couldn’t. The tears were back. They prickled at the backs of my eyes and I blinked to try to keep from dissolving into a puddle. “I think we should back off for a bit.”
“Because I found out you’re The Letter Girl?”
“You know that’s not why.” I took a deep breath, breathing through my nose even though it burned.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
I licked my lips. “Things are moving really fast and I think it would be best to chill out for a while.”
“You’re breaking up with me.” Hurt radiated from his voice.
“I’m barely to a place where I can look at myself in the mirror and not want to wear a snowsuit. I’ve hated myself for so long, and I’ve hated the way I look for so long, and I’m finally coming to a point where I’m okay with being me—most of the time. But what happened today…”
I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. “What’s happening right now, with people talking about the letters and me and you together as though I’m a circus freak? I’m working hard on loving myself. I know I can get there. But I can’t do it under the searing spotlight at your side. I can’t do it when I know people are constantly looking at you and back at me and wondering why the hell you’re with me.”
“I don’t care what other people think.”
“I know you don’t, but I’m not there yet.”
“If you’re worried about other people around here, maybe go home for a few days. Lay low there and hang out with your mom and sister. Things will blow over.”
A hysterical laugh bubbled up from my stomach. “From the frying pan into the fire. Who do you think drummed these things into my head for the past twenty-two years? Do you know what it was like for me growing up?”“He stared at me like he couldn’t fathom anything other than a picture-perfect childhood shattered by the death of my father.
“But your mom was nice enough.”
“To you. She was so nice to you, but every word from her was trying to cut me down. Like seeing me happy for even a second offended her.”
“I don’t even know if my own mother loves me.” My voice cracked and my nose was a split second from running. Another ugly cry was rushing to the surface and I didn’t need him here to experience it. “How about that? How’s that for some honesty? She’s the one person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally and I’m fifty-fifty on whether she’d even care if I disappeared off the face of the earth. Those are issues I’m still dealing with, and I can’t add being on your arm to that—not now.”
“I don’t care what other people are saying. And I don’t care that you’re The Letter Girl. I’m fine with it—more than fine with it.”
Tears trailed down my cheeks. “But I’m not. This is a tightrope I’m walking and I’m three minutes from flying into the kitchen and eating half the stuff I baked over the past week, but I won’t. I can be strong right now, but every day, knowing that’s what’s going on? I’m not that strong, Berk. I’m just not. This is my breaking point.”
“Jules was The Letter Girl. She was the woman I’d fallen in love with through her words and the one I’d slowly discovered my feelings for right across the street. The whole time I fought my feelings for her, it was because I’d been afraid of betraying—well, her. She’d kept that from me. The letters I’d read and re-read hundreds of times. The woman I’d finally said goodbye to in my last letter, she was Jules all this time.”
“She’s fucking gorgeous. She’s everything anyone could ever want in a girlfriend. ”
“Jules, I’m crazy about you.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I needed you to know that. And… I know I promised I wasn’t going to say anything to send you screaming from the room, but I want to be completely honest with you. I love you. And I needed to say that. If you’re going to walk away from me, I don’t want there to be any more secrets between us. I’m head over heels in love with you. Hell, I even felt like I was cheating on The Letter Girl with how much I liked you even from the beginning. And I see you, Jules.”
“If you need me to go and you don’t want to be with me, then I’ll respect that. I can’t force you to put up with everything that comes with being with me or force you to love me back.” His voice cracked and tears glittered in his eyes. “But I hoped you might.” Those last words were whisper quiet against my lips.”
“They can say whatever they want, but it’s me and you, okay?”
Taking my face in his hands, he brushed at my tears with his thumbs. “It’s us. Tell me when you’re upset, but don’t run. Because now that I know you love me, I’ll never stop the chase. Can you promise me that?”
I nodded, staring into the eyes that had seen deep into my soul. The ones with the golden flecks that always looked at me with a tenderness I’d never expected.
He squeezed his eyes shut and rested his forehead against mine”
“I took her chin between my fingers and tilted her head up. “How many times do I have to tell you, Jules. I’m into you. Whether it’s in letter form, cookie form, pole dancing form, sitting in your sweats on the couch watching TV form, or any other way you want to show me what you’re all about, I’m here for it. I’m here for you.”
“My brave, beautiful woman”
“One of these days you’ll see yourself like I do.”
She turned to me and held my gaze. Her uncertainty and vulnerability simmered just under the shield of her gaze. The one she dropped for me. She swallowed and covered her hand with mine. “I hope one day I can.”
“Jules turned to me and took my hand. “I don’t want you to think I’m blaming Alexis, but I don’t like seeing you upset. And sometimes you clam up when things go wrong, and I want to help.” She traced her fingers along my knuckles. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone.”
“Tell me why not today. Let me in, Berk. Tell me what’s going on. What happened today? You were late to the game? Do you have any idea what you’re putting at risk?”
“I know exactly what’s at risk.”
“Then talk to me. Tell me what happened and maybe I can help. Maybe we can work on it together.”
“There’s nothing to be worked on, Jules. There’s nothing to be fixed. It’s unfixable. Not everything can be solved with cupcakes and cookies. Some of us are dealing with real-world shit that can’t be fixed with a smile and a pound of sugar. You don’t understand. You couldn’t understand. With your country estates that ran in your family, and beautiful three-day engagement parties and your sister’s wedding that’ll probably cost as much as I make next year in the pros.”
“If you make it. You didn’t play because you were late! There are scouts and coaches watching every move you guys make. What could be so important you’d risk that?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“And what’s her excuse now?” I stood up too, pushing off the wall. “She went through a lot of what you did, but got to stay with the great family because of you, and unlike everything you’ve accomplished, she’s not trying to do better. She’s trying to drag you down. Everything you told me only makes it worse. She screwed you over and didn’t even appreciate what she had. Look at you. Look at how far you’ve come. And the amazing future you have—she’s trying to destroy that. She’s not good for you.” I swallowed past the boulder lodged in my throat. You keep telling me not to put up with the toxic people in my life, but you need to look at the people in your life too. You need to do this for you.” I lifted my hands to his face, but he caught my wrists.
“And for you, right?” He pushed my hands away. “If I want to be with you, I’ve got to cut her off.” He practically snarled. “Not see her anymore.”
“She shook her head. “No, I’d never give you an ultimatum like that. I’d never force you to make that choice. I know you love her. And I love you.” Her voice cracked. “Coming third isn’t the issue. But I can’t stand by and watch someone hurt you. Football comes first. I know that. And I’m okay with that.” She let out a shaky breath, pushing her hands out palms-down like that was an issue long ago settled in her mind. You are so fierce and unstoppable out on the field. But I need to put me first. And I can’t stand beside you and watch her toxic behavior tear you down. I can’t do it and I won’t.”
I blinked, staring at her through the sawing pain eviscerating my heart. “Then where does that leave us?”
“You tell me.” She wiped at her nose with the back of her hand, her eyes red-rimmed and boring into my soul.”
“What does Alexis have to do with this? Stop trying to drag her into everything.”
Jules whipped around. “Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“What else am I supposed to think?”
“Then here’s something for you to think about when it comes to the always-innocent Alexis. If she hadn’t been helping me—” Jules took a deep breath and swallowed. “Then how’d I know about the present? The one that apparently means so much to you, but you’ve never shown me. I don’t know why Alexis would want to set me up, but that’s exactly what she did.” Doubt jabbed at the back of my mind. Alexis edged closer to me. “Berk, remember what happened with Gretchen?” Gretchen was a girl I’d dated for a little bit senior year of high school, who’d never liked Alexis. Started making wild accusations about Alexis until I’d had to end things. It had hurt. A deep down kind of hurt that I hadn’t wanted to revisit again. “Why would Alexis lie?” Jules clutched her hands in front of her face. “Why would I?”
