Mar 8
I wanna go back to being an unconscious cloud of dust soaring amongst the stars at light speed. I've had enough of this human experience.
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I wanna go back to being an unconscious cloud of dust soaring amongst the stars at light speed. I've had enough of this human experience.
hi surprise question for you
ok so picture this. you can do one crime that nobody else will be able to do after you commit it. this only applies if that is a crime in the country/area you're staying at. you are allowed to travel anywhere for a specific area crime. what crime would that be??
nobody will EVER be able to do the chosen crime EVER EVER EVER again
Drive very fucking recklessly, fast, in the wrong lane, ONTO THE DAMN FOOTPATH, FUCK RULES, but I'll do it in an deserted area so no one gets hurt.
People here drive like assholes, they don't care about their own or other people's life AT ALL, like they're convinced they'll end up in heaven if things go wrong. Authorities aren't doing a very great job stopping those dumbasses. I'm tired of this. Especially teenage motorcyclists! You have no idea how many times they've scared me (and a lot of other people) to death. It seems like they WANT to run people over. You'll never get how much I despise these kinda drivers.
Anyone ever feel they're restlessly searching for a puzzle piece that will make everything fit, making the picture crystal clear? An "aha!" moment that makes things make sense? I feel like I'm always looking, trying to grasp an idea, a thought that suddenly make things feel more real. I could be an event that'll give me a new perspective or a piece of information... I'm constantly in a state of 'missing something', like there's more to things that I'm not seeing, I'll never be able to see, that's fine. But I can not stop myself from trying to figure things out, mainly before I don't enjoy being in this half deluded state. Perhaps I need to readopt my previous attitude of 'it is what it is'. Therapist said you can't reason your way to mental health, and I already know that, but the urge is hard to ignore.
I don't mind the humming of electrical appliances. It's soothing when it goes:
Wehhhhhhhhhhhhhh, or roooooooooooh
Consistent and calming, very grounding, helps me meditate somedays.
However, there's this DAMNED ceiling fan going: OU-WUA-OU-WUA-OU-WUA-OU-WUA, IM 🤏 CLOSE TO STANDING ON THE BED AND RIPPING THIS WHINY LITTLE USELESS CHUNK OF METAL OFF THE FJCKING CEILING
SHUT UP!! TF YOU MEAN 'OU-WUA-OU-WUA' YOU AIN'T EVEN DOING YOUR J*B, LET ME SLEEEEEP IN PEAS
QUIET! QUIET! QUIET! QUIET! QUIET!
Vent below (tw sensitive topic)
I've been absolutely losing my mind recently, self-hatred, losing touch with reality, trying to make sense of things going on that, I'm now realising, isn't even worth worrying about. The mind fog was so fjcking thick (thankfully, it is now clearing up) that I'd spent 2 hours trying to read a page when I tried to distract myself by reading a book. Every time I read a couple of sentences and then got lost in my own head repeating the same thing again and again, trying to find something AGAINST myself, so I can feel like I'm doomed by narrative and I can never be 'fixed'.
I felt like I'm a fucking mistake of this universe, it was suffocating like there's no way out. I thought of doing the unspeakable, but even that won't free me, it'll just prove that I'm the most wretched fucking thing to ever exist. There was no fucking way out, the suffering was too much to take and by some messed up thought process I convinced myself that even the most extreme way of release will not set me free.
So I started praying to God to erase my being completely, like I was never here in the first place, even down to every single atom I wanted it gone, erased to nothingness. I couldn't take this burden of consciousness anymore.
Worst, my brain was dead fixed on one thing, ignoring everything else that was screaming I'm being irrational. My brain kept telling me everything was unreliable and it would just be me trying to find comfort if I believed into anything other than 'that thought process'
After all, I'm once again fine and I'm feeling a lot better since last night. I even think it was dumb, yet I know I'll sooner or later go down the same line of thoughts again despite knowing how irrational it is. But I'll be fine, I'm sure, just like I've always been. I always come out stronger and with better understanding of myself/other things, so yeah...
5 hours school + 1 hour commute + 4 hours coaching + 4 hours self study + 1 hour homework + ½ hour revision
Don't even get enough time to eat and shit properly
There's so much 'cest' in the dmc fandom I wanna cry so bad. As a sibling angst enthusiast, this really puts me off. Can't bros just be bros? Not like I've not tried blocking the tags and avoiding it, but at this point I've seen enough (especially on pinterest)
Now I can't look at one of my favourite pair of twins the same :( tragic I know
Quiting Reddit: Day 1
I need to get my shit straight, this is gonna be the most important period of my life, I can't afford to fuck it up.
No more torturing myself reading through everything that makes me uncomfortable.
I just can't use that evil site in a good way ever. Even when I strictly try to stick to educational or hobby related content. You could be reading through a cool math fact and you go to the comments and someone's like "that reminded me of that one Evil Sacred Geometry Sacrifice Cult incident where they were trying to achieve the perfect rectangular form" and before you know it you're scrolling through a 17 year old rabbithole for past three hours and you've feel dead inside.