Learning to be
The title of this blog lends itself from a song off a Suede album which I heard whilst living in Germany.
I've loved listening to Suede since my second year of university, along with 90s post punk and of course, Radiohead.
One thing I have noticed though is that some musical artists incorporate a narrative about how mental illness exists. With the case of the Manic Street Preachers, Richey Edwards famously cut "4 Real" into his arm during an NME interview. My BPD self doesn't really find that okay, as I used to be a self harmer in my teens, but it emerged before his disappearance that Edwards struggled with an eating disorder, as well as self harming issues.
Brett Anderson sings about Sertraline in one of Suede's songs. I always found that odd, as at the time I was actually on Citalopram and BPD wasn't even a thing in my life at 19/20. But Animal Nitrate was the song which I danced to at The Ritz nightclub after a particular painful breakup. And it was a stomper.
When I listen to Pyramid Song by Radiohead, honestly the only emotion I feel is calm. It was the song which I was listening to when my current partner was due to visit me for a week (which ended up being until New Years' Day), and I was tidying the flat for his visit. I find that listening to certain musical melodies helps. Seriously - if musical therapy is part of DBT, please, hand it over.
Anyway - the topic is "learning to be". A very good one. Living with a new diagnosis means figuring out what held you back from accepting yourself. The overwhelming empathy (yep, it is pretty overwhelming, and sometimes it's got me in some bad situations), the emotional dysregulation and hallucinations, and my all time favourite - impulsivity. All three of these hallmark my own BPD, and they are for me the hardest to conquer.
What I have learnt from the empathy side of matters, is that there will always be cruel people. Doesn't matter if they are narcissists or any form of socio/psychopath. On my most demonising of days, I dislike people in general. Does that make me a total sociopath? No, because frankly I don't fancy getting into self-diagnosis territory on that front. What I do know though is that with empathy, you are always seeking some sort of validation for your own behaviours. Not going to happen anywhere. People who see you to be a people pleaser will take, take and take - until you set a boundary. And that is what I am learning to do now. And I can just envisage the sheer provocation from other people, or even other PDs in my cluster, as I am seeing it openly online. This persecutory nature, where the other PDs reign over BPD, because of their victim stance. And that is fucked up right there. That is not okay, because it almost enables bad modelling behaviour in groups, and gatekeeps the BPD individual from the cluster itself, because they are seen to be too manipulative. Of course, it also has the plus where actually, do you even want to be involved with narcissists and socio/psychopaths in your life once they disclose their intentions? Not really. You may be the most emotionally sensitive PD of the cluster, but should you really worry about what people think of you? Does it really matter?
No. It doesn't change you, but it changes how you see the people around you, and that alone is empowering. It means yes, you're alone, but is that really such a terrible thing?
I always had a philosophy growing up that I would rather have no friends at all than be surrounded by fake people. The people who I have met in my life, some of whom have had mental health disorders themselves, have shown me the real them as they percieve it, or how they have their diagnosis. I can either accept that, or say "Actually, I'd rather be on my own". And the latter may be a denial, almost a rejection of their personality, but to me it is a warning that I shouldn't get too close if they also have the capability to be manipulative. It sounds harsh, yet at the same time as my mother would say - it is essentially a "sphere of awareness", a perspex box between me and that individual for protection. In this case, it's an internet screen. Take that away, you have an offline interaction where those feelings are ultimately unfiltered. And when you have BPD, it's important to learn when you need those boundaries. And when someone decides not to validate you - don't sweat it, because you don't need their validation. If they say they're a shit person, take them at their word and move on. Unfortunately saying that, we can't always read that with BPD and we end up being sucked in. But yeah, be yourself. Everyone else can pick their own part. Accept you.
