are bfyt isak and even living together at this point? miss them xx
i miss them too 💛. here’s what they’re up to. (i got carried away. sigh.)
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“I could put my desk here.”
“Why not there?” Even points to a wider corner in the empty bedroom.
“Hm. Your desk could go there instead. It’s bigger.” Isak responds absentmindedly as he continues inspecting the walls of the bare living room.
Even’s gasp is barely audible, but Isak hears it.
He stifles his own when he realizes what he’s just said and wills his feet to remain glued to the floor. His back turned to Even. His ears and neck probably flushed already.
“My desk?” Even asks behind him, his voice soft, his tone playful. Isak knows he’s smiling. “Why would my desk be in your apartment, Isak?”
Ugh.
“I don’t know. Most of your shit is currently at Kollektivet. Figured it’s only a matter of time before you start carrying your furniture to my new place as well,” Isak responds with a shrug, then walks away to where the person showing them the apartment is standing.
Good save, he tries to tell himself. But was it? His therapist would argue that he’s falling back on his usual coping mechanisms, that he’s regressing by resorting to sarcasm and evasion tactics instead of voicing how he truly feels, what he truly wants, what he truly needs.
What I really want.
But Even understands. He’s currently chuckling at Isak’s weak and unconvincing retort to his teasing. He always does. He’s never upset. He’s never impatient. He’s always kind and forgiving. He understands that Isak’s years of social ineptitude and prickly responses aren’t just undone and done away with because he started getting professional help.
Still, Isak isn’t sure that what he wants is right, that it deserves to be voiced and spoken out loud. Because wanting something doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the right thing right now.
As though sensing the turmoil currently eating Isak up (and knowing that a touch would suffice to anchor him and bring him back), Even squeezes his side as he walks past him and absently presses a phantom kiss to his hair before continuing to the broker. An uninhibited touch that carries so much meaning, so much weight.
‘Stay with me. Don’t get too lost inside your head. Stay here with me.’
It’s so casual yet deliberate that Isak feels like melting into the hardwood floors.
“Do you have any apartment facing East?” Even asks the lady with a smile so blinding, Isak can see her blushing too. “Isak has trouble waking up in the morning if it’s not bright enough. Also counter space. Isak needs more counter space. Do you have anything with more counter space?”
Isak watches Even complain about details and nice-to-haves he would never otherwise care about to the broker and feels his chest swell, a warm and fuzzy feeling settling there and spreading down his limbs.
It’s Sunday morning and Isak can’t think of any other place he’d rather be.
He walks up to Even mid-rant about the height of the ceiling and presses a sweet kiss to his cheek, making him pause and blink, visibly flustered.
“What was that?” Even smiles, turning away from the broker lady almost completely.
“I don’t like this one,” Isak says simply, before linking his arm with Even’s.
“No?”
“No. It’s too far from your school.” Not the full truth. But a truth nonetheless.
Even just stares at him, smiling fondly like he’s keeping himself from speaking his mind. The real estate person somehow feels like she’s left the empty apartment.
“What?” Isak asks, embarrassed.
“You’re being cute. Why are you being cute?”
“Am not,” he scoffs. “I’m being pragmatic. I just don’t want to spend money commuting to you.”
“I could just get an apartment next to this one.”
“What if you spend the night here and have to commute to school or what if i want to pick you up from school?”
Even cups his face with both hands and kisses him on the lips. It’s just a kiss, but Isak still feels dizzy when Even lets him go.
“You’re being cute again,” Even says before kissing him again.
.
They’ve been apartment hunting for two weeks now. Separately, however.
Isak had been crashing at kollektivet since he moved back from Trondheim, and it was only a matter of time before he had to find a place to live.
But when he asked Mutta if he knew of any good options, he found out that Even was looking to move out of his mother’s house as well.
It was rather embarrassing to hear it from a third party when they spent every single night together, either in Even’s bed or latched onto each other on Eskild’s couch. (Isak secretly loves the latter sleeping arrangement the most. He loves not having to justify curling himself around Even and molding into him like he can’t bear being apart from him).
“Heard you were looking for an apartment.”
“Heard about you, too.”
“Maybe we can go to places together. Share one broker. Save time. We’re probably looking for different things anyway.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
But they’re not looking for different things. They hate the same living rooms and fall in love with the same bedrooms. Isak thinks about where Even’s desk would fit and Even complains about Isak’s counter space and sun exposure. Even wants a large bedroom that can fit a king sized bed, and Isak wants a living room that can fit a couch big enough for two tall men. Even thinks about the distance to Isak’s lab and Isak thinks about the one to Even’s uni. They bicker about hardwood floors and appliances, and somewhere along the line, their broker stops asking who the apartment is for, a quiet and knowing smile on her lips.
.
It’s the perfect apartment.
Isak can just picture where everything would go. All of Even’s film equipment and art supplies. All of the little props he takes to the kindergarten where he’s completing his training. He can tell where Even’s drawings would go on the walls, where he’d leave his backpack as soon as he enters through the door, where Isak would find his socks crumpled on the floor. He can see himself on the kitchen counter, legs spread for Even to fit in between, their heated kisses filled with laughter and ease and ‘scientific’ foreplay. He can see the cupboard they’d keep forgetting about and against which Isak would hit his head every time Even kisses him too deep. He can see where Isak would retract to brood when Even calls him out on something. He can see where Even would nap and where Isak would just perch up to watch him, happy to just be able to watch him.
It’s the perfect apartment.
“I might as well put an application down now, right?” Even grins at him, seemingly agreeing with Isak’s entire train of thought and reminding him that he’s the one who found this apartment.
“Right.”
Even talks with the realtor about faucets and finishes and where the washers and dryers are located in the building while Isak recoils into himself.
They walk out into the night after Even fills out an application and Isak feels a lump in his throat.
“What’s up?” Even asks, eyes curious and pensive.
“Nothing.” Isak shrugs.
“You’re quiet.”
“It happens to me sometimes.”
“Oh does it, now?” Even laughs.
“Ugh.” Isak laughs too, shoving him playfully.
“Are you upset I found an apartment before you?”
No.
“No.”
“Then what is it?”
Isak considers his next words carefully. He could say how he truly feels or he could go down the pragmatic route.
“Iss?”
“I just don’t think it’s a very economical decision,” Isak huffs out. His therapist would be so disappointed right now.
“Huh?”
“The apartment, I mean. The rent, for starters, it’s too high. I mean where are you gonna get all that money every month? It feels like a waste because, well, it’s too big, honestly.”
“Are you telling me to find a smaller apartment?” Even muses quietly. He doesn’t sound irritated. He’s smiling, like this is amusing to him.
“No! No. The apartment is perfect. Like it’s actually perfect. I’m not saying that.”
Even furrows his brows in confusion. Frankly, Isak is confused by his reasoning, too.
“Hm. Are you trying to steal my apartment by any chance? Is that what this is about?” Even laughs.
“No. No, I wouldn’t do that.”
“Then what is it?”
Isak looks up at him then. Even is smiling. And he’s so self-assured, so present, so intimidating like this.
“I’m saying we can both have the apartment,” Isak blurts out, his heart pounding hard in his ears.
“Hm. And how would that work exactly?”
“We’d call the lady and ask her to add my name to the application,” says Isak. “I’d fill out my part and that way we’ll have more chances of actually getting the apartment with our salaries combined. Not to mention that we’d pay half the rent. And half the utilities! Half the electricity and heating bill! We could share groceries that way food doesn’t go to waste. And we won’t even have to spend money commuting from each other’s places. It’s perfect.”
Isak’s face is flushed by the time he finishes his rant. He’s beyond embarrassed. Even is probably fighting a smirk right now.
“So this is a money saving strategy?” Even asks. He’s still smiling.
“What?”
“You want us to share an apartment to save money?”
“No. Not just money. I mean, it would be energy, too. Right? We’d lower our carbon footprint. We’d share one fridge, one radiator, one set of lightbulbs. We’d only have to use the vacuum once at a time. We could even share laundry cycles. It’s quite the responsible choice actually.”
“So.. you want me to be your roommate to fight climate change?”
“Not roommate.”
“I mean it sounds very close to what you were doing with Eskild.”
“I never showered with Eskild!”
“Oh, we’d be sharing showers, too. To preserve water. Of course.” Even laughs, but Isak doesn’t feel like laughing.
“Even. This is not funny to me! I’m serious!”
Oh.
There it is. A crack. A small crack. Isak raising his voice and being visibly upset because he is. Because he feels cornered. Because he doesn’t know how to say what he truly feels, what he truly wants.
And it hits him then. The reason why Even didn’t tell him he was looking to move out of Julie’s apartment in the first place. The reason he never brought up the fact that they spend every single night together and that it doesn’t make any sense that they’re looking for two separate places.
It hits him then: Even doesn’t want this. Even doesn’t, because Isak doesn’t give him enough.
Isak doesn’t tell him that he loves him very often. He writes it. He implies it. He traces it on his skin, presses it against his lips, whispers it into his neck late at night. But he doesn’t say it. And while Even is kind and patient, he probably wishes Isak were more open by now, more normal. Isak wishes he were, too.
Even is getting sick of him. Even doesn’t want-
“Isak? Isak, hey, stay with me.” Even brings him back with both hands on his face. A sweet touch, the most comforting touch. Isak will never stop burning for his touch. “I’m sorry for teasing you. It’s not nice. Forgive me.”
I should be the one apologizing.
“Come on, let’s go back to my place and talk about this later. Yeah? Don’t worry about it.”
“But-”
“No buts.”
.
It’s late and dark. It’s past midnight. They’re in Even’s bed at Julie’s apartment, sleeping. Even spooning him. But Isak can tell Even is awake too, his breathing too shallow, too uneven.
“Even?” Isak asks, his voice a whisper.
“Hm?”
“I don’t want to share an apartment because of money.”
Even tightens his arms around Isak’s stomach.
“What about climate change?” he asks, making Isak elbow him lightly.
“Don’t be a dick.”
Even laughs. They both do. Then it’s quiet again.
“Why do you want to share an apartment then?” Even asks then, his voice wavering with nervousness.
It’s late and it’s dark, and Isak can feel Even’s heartbeat against his back.
He turns around in his arms and tangles their limbs again. He can almost see the blue in Even’s eyes, even in the dark.
Even is scared, Isak realizes. He’s holding his breath and he’s scared.
“Because I love you.” Isak says simply. It’s simple because it’s true.
Even lets out a soft but heartbreaking sigh. Isak wants to hold him until he knows. Until he knows just how deeply and impossibly Isak loves him.
Isak wants to tell him so much. The words tumble inside his brain while they hold each other in bed rather desperately for a warm night in June.
I want to share a home with you because I want you around. Because I love hearing you put on clothes in the morning when I’m still sleeping and I love the sound of you unzipping your jeans after a long day before you proceed to sing terribly in the shower. Because I love having you around and watching you make art or marathon some pretentious show or simply take a nap in the middle of the day.
“Because I’ve never had a home until I had you,” Isak confesses with a tremor to his voice.
Even kisses him then, and it’s wet and salty and desperate.
Isak can’t tell whose tears he’s tasting.
“Odd night to get emotional about climate change,” Even sniffles with a chuckle when they finally part for air.
“Ugh. Fuck you.”
“Ugh. I love you, too.”
They kiss again and again and again.
“My home. You’re my home, too.”
.
They move in together a week after that.
x
