#bhf:wip

[lookslikechill]

WIP Intro: Between His Fingers

➤ Title: Between His Fingers ➤ Genre: Historical Fiction, Murder Mystery, Romance ➤ Tense: Close Third Person  ➤ Status: First Draft/Planning ➤ Setting: Port Cassandra, Northern Coastal California, USA//late 1940′s ➤ Rating: 18+ for sexual content, violence, and just some heavy-ass content. ➤ Themes: personal struggle & growth, PTSD/mental illness, internalized homophobia, institutionalized homophobia, toxic masculinity, flawed/ineffective government/police, police accountability, familial relationships, gay male romance, secret relationship, murder mystery.   ➤ Featuring: secrets & mysteries - old city - underfunded police force - different kinds of romantic relationships - The Ocean & The Forest - car troubles - men being stupid - Angst(tm) - Passion - drunken nonsense - Everybody Smokes(except Miles) - And Swearing

➤ One Line: Two cops in late 40′s coastal California try to solve crimes while also being secretly super gay for each other.

➤ Summary:  

With state of his knee, damaged in the war and making it impossible for him to pursue anybody or anything on foot, Alistair James Sheep is lucky to be an officer with the Port Cassandra Police Department in the first place, never mind the anxious state of mind he keeps tucked under the rug.  He is unlucky to be divorced, a fairly uncommon status in the late 1940′s.  The matter of luck is a bit more complicated when it comes to the forbidden relationship he somehow managed to slip into with Miles Crawford, his very male crime-solving partner of almost two years.  

The modest city of Port Cassandra had not been the most squeaky-clean, crime-free place since Alistair had lived there, but a sudden spike of murders and arson cases has the city on its toes.  It wouldn’t be that much of a problem, if it wasn’t for the department’s outdated and old resources, lack of organization, and dismissive and ineffective Captain.  If that wasn’t enough, some of Miles and Alistair’s fellow officers seem to be more interested in causing more problems than solving them.  

➤ Characters:

Alistair Sheep(pov), 28, male(he/him); reserved & sharp-tongued, anxious & paranoid, mechanically inclined, introverted, detail-oriented, always the driver, great shot, bad at emotions and sharing.

5′10″, white man with a build on the narrower side of things, lean, very dark brown, wavy hair and a short, full beard, modest, blunt eyebrows, brown eyes, sharp/pronounced jawline, subtly bumpy nose with a slight curve to the left,  straight & alert posture/stance, tends to rest his weight to the left, resting asshole face.  

Alistair arrived home before the war ended, in 1944, due to the injuries that left him with a permanent limp and an inability to run effectively.  He doesn’t (refuses to) use a cane most of the time now, but most likely will have to give in as he gets older.  He and his then-wife and childhood friend, Emily, moved to Port Cassandra in very early ‘46 in a last-ditch effort to save their crumbling marriage, which obviously failed.  With the issue of his mobility, he joined Port Cassandra’s Police Department under the condition that he would always have another Officer, capable of running, with him when he was on duty outside of the Station.  

Miles Crawford, 24, male(he/him); gentle & compassionate, capable & confident, prone to singing, whistling and humming, a big picture man, the runner of the pair, can be too willing to forgive and lacks skepticism. 

5′8″, white man with a sturdy, thick build, bit of a belly, wide through the shoulders, short, curly brown hair, clean-shaven, wide-set dark brown eyes, slightly freckled, round face, thick, tapered eyebrows, small ears, nose small & rather rounded, standing stature usually squared but relaxed through the shoulders, expression open and relaxed on average, smiles often.  

Miles grew up in Port Cassandra, in one of the cabins in the woods by the beach on the outskirts of Port Cassandra.  He never knew his mother, and his father was neglectful, at best, physically abusive, at worst.  He left home at 15 and spent the rest of his childhood living with the PCPD’s second-in-command, Joseph Sawtelle, and his family.  He joined the city’s Police Department as soon as he was able, and Sawtelle acted as his mentor throughout the first few years of his service.  

➤ Links:

Port Cassandra Location Intro Valentine’s Day Special Playlist & Excerpt Excerpt - Startled FFF: The Move Character Aesthetic - Alistair Sheep Character Aesthetic - Tobias Rigby Character Aesthetic - Daniel Morrin Character Aesthetic - Alistair Sheep - by Farrradays Art & Playlist - Alistair Sheep - by cr0wfood Worst Tag Game Intro - Alistair Sheep Miles Crawford Character Intro Alistair Sheep Character Intro

Excerpt, Cont. Character List, and Taglist below the cut!

Content Warnings:  Sexual content, physical violence, gun & weapon violence, police violence (mostly cop on cop), unhealthy coping mechanisms re: abuse of cigarettes and alcohol, avoidance, repression.  Homophobic language & violence.  Abuse re: neglect, physical abuse, bad dads in general.  Also war imagery & mentions.  Murder, blood, and gore, of course. Fire, as well.  

➤ Excerpt:

Alistair rotated the wheel and pulled into the thin dirt driveway to the left of the shack of a house they had been called to.  The house  appeared to sink into the forest that surrounded it, the look of it was so raw, wooden, and narrow.  It looked like it belonged there, except for the glaring lights in the windows that cut through the twilight gloom.

It would almost be a peaceful sight, worthy of a postcard, if there weren't first responders hanging out on the front porch.  An ambulance in the driveway.  And now, the police cruiser he sat behind the wheel of.  In the passenger seat, Officer Crawford, Miles, was looking at him again.  Alistair straightened his back and cleared his throat.

"What?"

"Nothing.  You just, you know, you looked like you had something on your mind."

"I assure you nothing is ever on my mind," Alistair said without thinking, and scowled when Miles immediately looked amused.

"Sure.  Why don't we head in before they come looking to see whether we've died, too?"  He said, tilting his head in the direction of the house.

"That joke is in extremely poor taste, Officer Crawford," Alistair drawled as he cut the engine and popped the car door open.

➤ Cont. Character List:

Emily Castaldi, 28, female(she/her), Alistair’s ex-wife, and childhood friend, with whom he still maintains an awkward and erratic relationship. perceptive, clever/witty, independent, works as a housekeeper at one of Port Cassandra’s struggling hotels.

Arthur Pimento, old(60′s?), male(he/him), Captain of the Port Cassandra Police Department, he was a very successful, heroic officer as a young man and won’t admit those days are gone. proud, strict, close-minded, sophisticated, unwilling to admit he’s not as capable as he used to be, married with adult children.

Joseph Sawtelle, mid-40′s, male(he/him), PCPD’s second-in-command, doesn’t feel as if he has as much of a sway over the department as he should. tired, resigned/reluctant, quiet, bitter, married with two feisty teenage daughters, mentor and parental figure to Miles.

Gentry Sinclair, late 30′s, male(he/him), PCPD Officer, family man who just wants to be friends with everybody. bright/cheerful, asks a lot of questions, wants to know the people around him well, Ken doll attractive, married with three young children, he will show people pictures of his family and babble about them.

Daniel Morrin, early 30′s, male(he/him), PCPD Officer, cocky with an ego the size of Texas and not above bullying behavior to get things his way. selfish/self-absorbed, very big and knows it(loves it), takes up way too much space and gets way too close, kind of an asshole all around, picks on everybody(”jokes”), gets along best with Rigby and Sinclair. 

Tobias Rigby, late 20′s, male(he/him), PCPD Officer, served in the war and has never been seen with a woman he wasn’t related to.   extremely reserved/quiet, says very little, very blunt and straightforward when he does open his mouth, short/small but can definitely kick your ass, frowny & mysterious.

Conrad Fitzgerald, early to mid-30′s, male(he/him), PCPD Officer, served in the war but was a Prisoner of War for most of it. a bit erratic, brazen, talks a lot, boxes in his spare time, has been seen by Alistair entering and leaving underground gay bars yet to be raided, charismatic in a relaxed way, married without kids.

Rosemary Fitzgerald, mid 30′s, female(she/her), Conrad’s wife. like her husband, considered a bit odd, smiles too much and talks too fast, paints skulls, only seen wearing dark colors, stubborn, comes to the Station too much.  

➤ Taglist:  @livingdeadwriteblr -  @cawolters - @agnesfagen - @the-real-rg - @balletshoe-punk - @lie-hart - @phloxxiing - @teacupwriter - @newdivinities - @omgbrekkerkaz - @soul-write - @elisabethrosewrites - @cirianne - @ladywithalamp (ask to be added or removed!)

➤ Tagged: #Between His Fingers, #bhf, #bhf:wip

[lookslikechill]

MM #6: Love, a Man

Written with the following lyrics from Queen’s A Crazy Thing Called Love in mind:

This thing (this thing) Called love (called love) It cries (like a baby) In a cradle all night It swings (woo woo) It jives (woo woo) It shakes all over like a jelly fish I kinda like it Crazy little thing called love Words: 360 Content warnings: Period-typical homophobia and homophobic slurs, mentions of sex but nothing explicit.

I will definitely be expanding on this but this was a good place to stop & a decent chunk of words!

If anybody had told Alistair, when he was a kid- Hell, told him so before he had fought and survived the war, that he would someday feel the ground fall from under his feet and find himself in love with a man, he thought he would have hit them.  It would have been an insult.  It would have touched a nerve.  A nerve buried deep within, containing long-ignored knowledge and fear.  A nerve under such pressure, its contents were likely crystalized.  They required mining.

Growing up, Alistair was warned of the fairies, the deviants practicing sinful homosexual practices with other men, and older men prowling to intice boys into filthy lives of queer sin.  His father cursed the queers, and there was punishment for any less than masculine behavior.  

But this was different.  Certainly sexual in nature, but Alistair was the older of the two of them, and only by four years.  There was no good way to describe it, not clearly, not within the lines, not with both feet on the ground or a hand on the wheel.  He was drawn to Miles Crawford.  It was his smile, his voice, his energy, the way he was both gentle and firm at the same time, in so many different ways.  The feelings that possessed him for this man where, perhaps not stronger, but somehow different, from the way he felt about Emily, before everything soiled.  He still insisted, he still loved her.  But how, in what way?  Had it changed or was it the same, just different in comparison?

This is love, he acknowledged, with his nose in Miles’ curls and the right of him plastered up against his sturdy back.  He’d already said it out loud.  The words had snuck past his lips, so what more damage could thinking it bring?

But it was also sex.  Miles was asleep and Alistair was awake.  Neither of them were wearing much for clothes.  And yet, Alistair had slept with a woman, and he had slept with a man, and now he couldn’t see what the difference was, where the big deal lived.  Why it was in secrecy that this relationship brewed.  

[lookslikechill]

Between His Fingers: Miles Crawford

Character Intro//Between His Fingers ☇ Officer Miles Jack Crawford

“Happens all the time,” Miles confirmed grimly as he refilled his cup.  “It’s really very unfortunate.”

➤ Name: Miles Jack Crawford, the one between the fingers, a good man, he can go for miles haha. ➤ Nicknames: N/A ➤ Gender/pronouns: Male (he/him). ➤ Age/birthdate: 24 years//January 16th 1923 ➤ Sexuality: Gay. ➤ Occupation: Police Officer with the Port Cassandra Police Department, partnered with Alistair Sheep. ➤ Prior Occupations: None. ➤ Residence: Port Cassandra, California. ➤ Home State: California.

➤  his habits include humming, singing, watching the people around him, and mother hen’ing his partner, friends, and other co-workers.  His hobbies are reading, mostly fantasy, and people-watching. He also keeps a journal. ➤  spends very little free time at home unless he has company.  Otherwise, he can be found at a local cafe, at a park, or on the beach, with a book or three to keep him entertained.  He’s a frequent flyer at the Port Cassandra Public Library. He can also be seen, sometimes, jogging on the light-traffic roads through the forest, near his home. He jogs at least once a day, but the times vary since his schedule is, of course, erratic. ➤  he is gentle, compassionate, and humble, while also being steadfast, hard-working, and highly emotionally intelligent.  He tends to be more of a big picture man, good at seeing how things may be connected. He is also skilled at deducing potential motivation and meaning from physical evidence.   ➤  though not as soft as his surface-level nature might lead some to believe, or assume, he still has a strong desire to see the good in people and can end up giving people too many second chances.  He isn’t slow, but his initial assessments of people can leave him open to being manipulated or blindsided. He does best on murder and the like, cases where there is somehow some distance between him and the perp, and the evidence, the impact, the wrongdoing, is front and center.   ➤ Miles is stealthy and deliberate in a way that plays more into his personal life, and his concealment of such, than it does into his work.  He can keep a secret and blend in, and has been doing so most of his life, though now he happens to be dangling the secret more directly under the noses of the people who know him best.  ➤  Miles is very friendly and willing to interact with other people.  He is easy to befriend, and is known all over the city as a friendly, pleasant fellow.  To some, he is viewed as too soft, both in worldview and in midsection, and as naive. ➤  do not be fooled by his sweet, innocent, youthful persona, Miles is not new to the world and he is the experienced one in the relationship between him and Alistair, at least where men are concerned.  Miles has been finding and discreetly interacting with Port Cassandra’s queer underbelly since he was in his early teens. Despite his father’s less than savory opinions, his interaction with the community and his late-teen time spent with the Sawtelle family is what has led to his general air of quiet confidence, and his low levels of shame, guilt and paranoia regarding his secret gayness.   ➤ he has had several boyfriends dating back to his early teens. ➤ grew up in Port Cassandra, knows the people and the area well.  Born, raised, went to school, all in Port Cassandra. He was away for a time to attend a police academy before joining the PCPD at 18.  ➤ resting expression is naturally relaxed and open. ➤ lives in one of many cabins in the woods bordering the beach in Port Cassandra, inherited from his father when he passed away.  ➤ owns a cream Hudson.

  ➤ Strengths: high emotional intelligence, compassionate, confident, steadfast, social, knows the city like the back of his hand, has connections inside the city, sometimes underestimated/viewed as naive.   ➤ Weaknesses: highly empathetic, can be prone to manipulation/be taken advantage of, underestimated/not always taken seriously, known by many, less aware of his own worth than you would think. ➤ Likes: reading, books, music, singing, writing, the ocean, the outdoors, cafes, the library, alistair, talking to people, being around people, taking care of people, animals (especially cats), being a police officer, Alistair, the many people he’s friends with, coffee, drinking (with company). ➤ Dislikes: being ignored, being treated like a kid, smoking, his father, cruelty, people who don’t care, admitting he doesn’t like somebody, being awake at odd hours, Alistair’s ex-wife (or maybe just the weird vibe they have together).

Family & co-worker relationships under the cut!

➤ Partner:

Alistair Sheep; his partner-in-crimesolving and in bed & secret romance.  He has a lot of affection for Alistair, while also thinking he’s smoking hot and feeling bucketloads of concern for the man.

➤ Family:

Beth; his mother, who he never knew.  She either died or left when he was young, his father has been evasive about the details and has delivered different stories on different occasions.  He doesn’t think about her much, since he remembers nearly nothing about her.

Joey Crawford; his late abusive, alcoholic father.  He spent his childhood and early teen years trying to please and impress his Dad, who had almost nothing but neglect, harsh words, and physical violence for him.  He moved out of the house, the cabin, the building he inherited from his father, at 15. Only his many years away and his ongoing changes to the place make it a tolerable place to live, though he spends as little time inside the cabin alone as possible.  

Joseph Sawtelle; a father-figure to him, as well as his mentor.  Miles met Joseph on a number of occasions when he responded to reports of his father’s abuse in the last year or so he lived at home, and ended up moving in with Joseph and his family when he was 15.  He looks up to Joseph, values him as a mentor, and views him as somewhat of a father figure. His admiration of Joseph is what led him to want to become a police officer in the first place.

Maria Sawtelle; Joseph’s wife, like a mother to him.  She treated him like one of her own children, and was more like a mother to him than anybody ever has been.  She also encouraged his interest in reading, writing, and singing, which he was shy about as a teenager due to his father’s cruelty.

Delores Sawtelle; Joseph’s eldest daughter, like a sister to him.  

Beatrice Sawtelle; Joseph’s  youngest daughter, like a sister to him.

➤ Port Cassandra Police Department

Captain Arthur Pimento; the Captain.  Miles dislikes him because he is brash and close-minded and tends to treat him like a child, but he won’t say anything about it outright.  

Joseph Sawtelle; PCPD’s second-in-command.  Miles admires and respects Joseph.  Joseph is a mentor and a father-figure to him, who has treated him kindly in the past.  It is mostly out of respect for Joseph’s wishes that he tolerates the Captain’s general behavior without bucking his authority.  

Gentry Sinclair; PCPD Officer.  Miles is friends with the equally friendly and hugely peppy Gentry.  He happily looks at pictures of his kids and listens to funny domestic family life stories Gentry has to share.

Tobias Rigby; PCPD Officer.  Miles likes Rigby okay, but finds him distant and cold.  

Daniel Morrin; PCPD Officer.  It is with Morrin that Miles comes the closes to outright admitting he dislikes anybody, but especially a fellow officer.  He sometimes wonders how is it Morrin was allowed to become one of them in the first place, but he supposed they don’t throw you out of the academy for having a foul personality, so long as you don’t commit any physical violence.

Conrad Fitzgerald; PCPD Officer.  Miles likes Fitzgerald and considers him somewhat of a friend.  There is always interesting conversation to be had with him, though Miles sometimes finds the topics a tad bit unpleasant.  But then again, they are police officers.

[lookslikechill]

Tag Game: Favorite Lines

Tagged by @elisabethrosewrites!  Thank you for tagging me & creating this game!!

Rules: Do you ever write a line that just feels so right? Pick five of your favorite lines you’ve written and share them. They can be recent or years old, doesn’t matter. Then tag five people.

1.  When he reached for the pack of cigarettes laying amongst a half-full glass of water, a lighter, his badge, and his gun, his hands were shaking violently, like leaves in a storm.

2.  He was like a screw too small for the tool of life.

3.  They both looked foolish and flushed against the filthy dirt parking lot, at least to anybody who wasn’t taken up in the violence of it all.  

4.  The smell of chemical-lemon assaulted his nostrils.  

5.  Alistair sucked patience through the cigarette, the opposite end glowing coyly in the dark.

Tagging: @livingdeadwriteblr, @requiemesque, @jess---writes, @dahl-my-life, @newdivinities.

[lookslikechill]

Between His Fingers: a TTWR update

Title: Between His Fingers (#Between His Fingers, #bhf, #bhf:wip) Total Words Written: 11,986 Words Written This Week: 613

Excerpt (not from what I actually wrote this week since I already posted that bit):

Alistair sat in his bed, where he had been since midnight, in his underwear with the sheets bunched up around his crossed legs.  He had one hand tucked into the opposite armpit, while the other held a lit cigarette.  Smoke wafted up toward the ceiling and bright morning sunlight fell in sharp shapes over the bed, the shape of him cutting a blob of shade into the lower half of the bed.

He was working his lower lip between his teeth and staring at the wall, into the wall, through the wall, into his thoughts.

Somebody knocked at the door.  He jumped.  It was a full body affair, his chin jerking up, his hand bouncing, his arms and legs and stomach tensing and drawing up.  The bed screeched a complaint.

Breathing out tension in the moment after, he put the cigarette between his lips, and clambered out of bed.  He unlocked the door and opened it a tiny sliver, and then wider when he saw it was just Miles.

Miles, with a weathered, dirty-looking cardboard box about the size of a mid-sized soup pot in his arms.

"What is that?" Alistair asked as Miles slipped in past him, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.  He closed and locked the door.

"Nothing," Miles said, and made a beeline for the bedroom.  "A gift," he called back.

"A gift," Alistair muttered, blowing smoke into the kitchen before following.

[lookslikechill]

Between His Fingers: Alistair Sheep

Character Intro//Between His Fingers ☇ Officer Alistair James Sheep

“Murder!” Alistair just barely didn’t yell. “Just talking about murder!”

➤ Name: Alistair James Sheep;  the Him in question, the spooked horse of men, our pov character, ba ba black sheep. ➤ Nicknames: Al. ➤ Gender/pronouns: Male (he/him). ➤ Age/birthdate: 28 years//February 9th 1919 ➤ Sexuality: Bisexual but unsure. ➤ Occupation: Police Officer with the Port Cassandra Police Department, partnered with Miles Crawford. ➤ Prior Occupations: Mechanic, Soldier in the Army during WW2 (reached the rank of Sergeant before being injured and sent home in ‘44). ➤ Residence: Port Cassandra, California. ➤ Home State: New York.

➤  habits include smoking like a chimney, drinking in social situations, being armed at all times, drinking more coffee than water, and being awake late at night/early in the morning. ➤ never fully dressed at home. ➤ his right knee was injured in the war, leaving his mobility permanently limited, meaning he is unable to pursue anybody effectively on foot.  As a result, he almost always drives, while Miles is the runner of the two.  He doesn’t (refuses to) use a cane now, but will almost certainly have to use one as he gets older. ➤ he is anxious and paranoid, always alert, tense, and frequently jumpy.  He stands straight and tense, drawn up, and can be observed scanning his surroundings often.   ➤ he is incredibly reserved and hard to befriend, full of sarcasm and equipped with great skepticism. ➤ he married a childhood friend and highschool sweetheart at the age of 18 and lived a content life with her up until he was drafted at 21.  Upon returning from service in ‘44, their marriage quickly began to fall apart as Alistair failed to fall back into civilian life.  They moved to Port Cassandra, California from New York as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage, which clearly didn’t work.  His divorce is sometimes the topic of teasing by his fellow officers.  ➤ raised Catholic but became distant from the religion throughout his wartime experience, and even more so after he “gave in” to his less than straight attractions. ➤ an outsider to the city and to some of his fellow officers, as well, since many of them grew up in Port Cassandra and not many of them are from away.  ➤ terrible case of resting asshole face. ➤ compassionate in his own way, despite being seemingly perpetually grumpy.   ➤ lives in a tiny, drab, old apartment. ➤ owns a forest-green Ford. 

  ➤ Strengths: detail-oriented, observant, great shot, effective driver, mechanically inclined. ➤ Weaknesses: reactive, jittery, paranoid, overly secretive/guarded, reclusive. ➤ Likes: the forest/ocean/beach, having a blanket up over his ears, coffee, whiskey, his cigarettes, gettin’ laid, Miles, sarcasm.  ➤ Dislikes: being watched, the cold, snow/rain, mud, loud noises, sleeping alone, being questioned, small talk, overly friendly people, socializing in general.

➤ Taglist:  @livingdeadwriteblr -  @cawolters - @agnesfagen -@requiemesque - @the-real-rg - @balletshoe-punk - @lie-hart - @phloxxiing - @teacupwriter - @newdivinities - @omgbrekkerkaz - @soul-write - @elisabethrosewrites (ask to be added or removed!)

Family & co-worker relationships under the cut!

➤ Partner: Miles Crawford; his partner-in-crimesolving for roughly two years, and his male lover of nearly a year.  Their relationship is by far the most positive, healthy relationship in Alistair’s life.

➤ Family:

Emily Castaldi; ex-wife, childhood friend, and highschool sweetheart.  They met when they were just kids, and practically grew up together, sharing a neighborhood and more than one school.  Emily’s homelife was rocky, and so was Alistair, so they were quick to marry after highschool.

Arlo Sheep; his late father, who was killed by pneumonia when he was 12.  Arlo was emotionally distant, overly strict, and the source of much of Alistair’s insecurity regarding not only his lack of hetrosexuality, but his masculinity as well.  Regardless, his death opened the door for the home environment that developed later, which Alistair would be eager to escape.

Hellen Sheep; Alistair’s mother, a sweet but timid woman, who Alistair sometimes misses and resents at the same time.

Thomas Sheep; or Tom, Alistair’s younger brother, younger by little more than a year and a half.  He was always a difficult child, but once Arlo was no longer in the picture he was ultimately a terror, bullying his mother, Alistair, and their younger sister, Nancy.  Harsh, controlling, judgmental, and always roaring about something, he was what would ultimately cause Alistair to draw away from the family unit.

Nancy Sheep; his younger sister, who he was close to before he married and moved out at 18.  Last he knew, Nancy was angry at him for abandoning her. 

➤ Port Cassandra Police Department

Captain Arthur Pimento; the Captain.  Alistair recognizes his authority and obeys him, but he finds him frustrating and tedious.

Joseph Sawtelle; PCPD’s second-in-command.  Alistair doesn’t feel any particular way about him.

Gentry Sinclair; PCPD Officer.  Alistair actively dislikes Sinclair, simply because he is too friendly, and always trying to know things about him.  

Tobias Rigby; PCPD Officer. Alistair likes him because he stays shut up most of the time, and usually has something useful to say when he does speak up.

Daniel Morrin; PCPD Officer.  Alistair dislikes Morrin.  He takes up too much space and seems to like getting in the way.  He’s also impatient, and loud.  

Conrad Fitzgerald; PCPD Officer.  Alistair doesn’t know how to feel about Fitzgerald, he’s a bit odd.  Reckless, in ways. 

[lookslikechill]

Death to the American Dream: MM #7

Sooo while writing this I came the closest to crying whilst writing than I have in a looog time. God. Excuse me hhhhh Inspired by the following lyrics from Crooked Still’s Undone in Sorrow:

Oh, when I returned no earthy treasure

Could ease this heart so filled with pain

Words: 483 Content warnings: Mentions of war & divorce, heavily implied/described mental health issues (anxiety). Also vague 1940’s divorce proceedings, which were bullshit!

It had been a year since they moved to Port Cassandra, California, together, when Emily made an unusual request of Alistair. An unusual, heartbreaking request. A request that, had it been made in another century, would have been visible on the horizon for a while now.

Emily wanted a divorce. She said so, with shoulders drawn and brows strung together. She needed him to make it work, and it crushed him.

It wasn’t her desire to leave, the sense of abandonment, that hurt the most, really. It was knowing that he was no longer the kind of man who could keep her, and that was what had pushed her so far as to ask for something so difficult for her, something she required his cooperation so fully to go through with.

But who was he to trap her with him?

Who was he to tell her she could not go? To tie her down in a miserable existence with him for the rest of her life. To force her to carry him, as he seemed unable to catch his footing. He could not, he would not, trap her with a husband she did not want.

A husband who balked at the mere idea of going to a social event, a party, a dance hall, tea at her newest friend’s house. Who occasionally promised his attendance and later spun into an anxious breakdown just before leaving. Who now spent more time hiding and worrying and fearing than living like they once had, out and visible and social.

So he agreed, without looking her in the face and with his fingers knitted together between his knees. In court he limply agreed that he had been unfaithful, multiple times, and so her claim to divorce was valid.

She kept the house, and he found an apartment closer to the heart of the city, closer to the police department where he worked.

He mourned the collapse of his marriage, which felt closer to being the collapse of his entire life. He was ashamed to admit he had never cried so much in his life, when nobody was there to witness it. His father would not be proud, that was for sure.

Before the war, he and Emily had had plans. Real, solid plans. They would have children, at least two. He would have his own vehicular repair shop, one day. They would have a house, and a yard, perhaps a dog and a cat. They would raise their children until they left to lead their own lives, and they would grow old together.

All that was impossible now. Gone. A future dashed, at least for him. Many of those things were things Emily could have with another man.

At times, often times then, he felt as if there were a large man sitting on his chest and God conjuring dark, heavy rain clouds behind his tired eyes.

[lookslikechill]

⭐ !!

Alright, so here’s five random facts about Emily Castaldi from Between His Fingers, previously Emily Sheep, Alistair Sheep’s ex-wife.  

1.  Deer, stag, elk, and the like are her favorite animals.  Elegant, noble, deliberate, and quick.

2. As a teenager, Emily read a great many books set in California, especially along the coast and in the great cities of Los Angeles and San Francisco.  When she and Alistair moved in a last ditch attempt to save their marriage, she was the one that chose the place and really made the move happen.  Port Cassandra might not be Los Angeles, but it was by the coast and it had several hotels and a couple mechanic shops that were hiring at the time.  

3.  Emily’s circle of friends as a teenager was mostly boys, and she got up to all the same nonsense they did.  She often came home dirtied and with scraped knees or elbows, consistently facing disappointment from her rigid parents.  On more occasions than her parents knew of, she took part in wrestling matches.  On the few occasions when these turned into actual fights and she came home with a black eye or a split lip that, she faced long stints of grounding as punishment. 

4.  She has several younger siblings, who were all between being infants, toddlers, and young children during her later childhood.  They kept her mother busy and her mother failed to find much time to pay her attention.

5.  Her father was emotionally distant and rarely had anything to say, and usually the things he had to say were crushing or dismissive. 

Thank you for asking!! <3