Felt the want to share this here though I know there’ll be @ least someone who turns their nose up and makes some kind of stink, that’s ok. I’m trying to come to terms with the comfort and reality of this blog ultimately being MY space and treating it like that, sharing what feels important and especially in relation to MY regression. Staying out of the weeds, it’s ultimately a personal thing rooted in a lot of muck, and only I am able to comment on it in any way that matters.
This pieces has been sitting w/ me for the last handful of days? I’ve felt sm of myself in it and have thought maybe someone else would too. I’ll be sparse on details, but I’ve been working in therapy on may things w/ a focus in a way on an adverse childhood event I have no tactile memory of, what that’s looked like in the long term, and what it would mean to not ever truly know/remember. Initially I took the prompt of not knowing as there having been nothing. Not on purpose, but that’s where my thoughts went, and my therapist directly affirms she believes something happened, which felt validating(?) to hear. Yea. And it just feels sm like what I do have memory & a sensation of. Of being this thing in a piston it shouldn’t be, made something sexual when it should be protected. There’s something intentional in the spots being on the latex itself, a visible indicator of youth, though u don’t know if ofc there was an ‘intent’ to my victimization — and I may not know.
I think I’m maybe carrying but I mostly just wanted to share how striking this sculpture is and how much it has meant to me in the past little bit. May do a journal write up, scrapbook things. This speaks I think a lot to the sorta phantom experience, knowing too I ended up a hypersexual kid, and now as an adult who even as a largely repulsed asexual, struggles with a lot of fear surrounding contact and intimacy.
Have recently too been feeling inspired to do my own piece surrounding these themes so we’ll see what happens. Big life has been very overwhelming…