#015 Superhero/Villain Teamups
It’s a tale as old as time (song as old as rhyme) you’re fighting a bad guy, maybe it’s your nemesis. Maybe it’s someone else’s nemesis. Maybe it’s just a random bad guy who is nobody’s nemesis and he’s kind of self-conscious about it, like is he just not evil enough to be someone’s nemesis? Is he too evil? What’s he doing wrong? Why can’t he connect with a hero like all his super villain colleagues? Anyway, I digress, this isn’t about that guy. So you’re fighting a bad guy, and then, out the blue, or the abyss, or the void, or some random tree, comes an even bigger badder bad guy (bigger in terms of capacity for evil not like height or weight or anything.) Now this bad guy is soooo bad that even the bad guy you were already fighting is like “dude, tone down the evil.” And you’re like “hey, yeah good point, he should turn down the evil.” And then, my friends, what you have is a classic superhero/super villain team-up on your hands.
When a superhero/villain team up goes down you know things are serious. Only an evil of absolutely epic proportions can cause heroes and villains to set aside their differences and unite for the greater good. Usually this will happen when some other worldly conqueror rides into town and plans to enslave the entire planet. Supervillains hate when people show up and try to enslave them. They also hate it when someone tries to destroy their planet. Or like, take a bite out of their planet. At the same time only an epic evil could make a superhero even consider joining forces with a scummy criminal.
As a superhero you need to make sure that you don’t get too chummy with your temporary villain teammate. Don’t start making private jokes with each other. Don’t come up with hilarious and/or cutesy nicknames for each other. Don’t bring them home to meet your parents. Don’t even tell them your parents’ names. Don’t even tell them that you have parents! Don’t tell them your secret identity or bring them to your hideout and definitely don’t start wearing matching costumes. When did you even have time to get matching costumes made? Earth was just stolen to be used as a ball in a giant intergalactic game of pool and somehow you idiots had time to get new costumes made and tailored? Y’all need to stop messing around and focus! In a superhero/villain team-up you can never take your eye off the ball (ball).
At the same time though, you need to treat your former enemy, current begrudging acquaintance at best, as an equal. If you continue to treat him like the criminal scum they are while trying to ask for their help that partnership is going to go nowhere. Try making a small gesture to show them that you’re serious about making your temporary partnership work. Let them sit shotgun in your super-mobile instead of handcuffed in the back like usual. Maybe bring them some nice flowers (and not the kind they’re allergic to, don’t be a jerk). Or perhaps confess that you’ve always admired how professionally they carry themselves when they’re setting random barn houses ablaze (or like whatever crimes they usually commit, don’t use those exact words. Only use those exact words if you’re teaming up with Jhonny McBarn-Burner, whose real crime is, of course, spelling Jhonny like that.)
Since it is a team-up, a certain level of trust needs to exist between you and your partner. However, you need to remember that this is no ordinary team up. This is a team up with a person who just last week hijacked a blimp just because. He didn’t even make any demands. He literally left you a note saying “I stole this just because, how frustrated are you right now?” So take some precautions. Maybe make sure there’s another hero in your team to watch your back. Or don’t give the bad guys any critically important jobs. Even if they’ve proven themselves to be mostly trustworthy it’d be wise not to give them any obvious opportunities to betray you or literally stab you in the back (like don’t hand them a knife and then immediately turn your back towards them).
Once the crisis has been comprehensively and aggressively averted the best thing to do is end the team-up immediately. Your villainous compatriot might try to sucker you into calling a temporary truce or giving them a head start but you should absolutely not fall for this. Remember, at the end of the day, they are still bad guys, you are still a superhero. You need to do your super-duty [lol] (really?) and arrest them right the heck away. ASASP. As soon as superhumanly possible. And if you find arresting the person who literally just helped you save the world a little unsettling just remember that if you do arrest them you’ll have beaten two bad guys in one day and that’s just good smart business. Them’s good stats.