#bigger character

[skyhearth]

Collections of my Original characters : SOPHIE

[writingfromkitchenator]

Scotch and Ice-Cream

Masterlist

Crowley x Original Female Character

Words: 3,866

Warnings: I wrote this ages ago after a bad day, thought I’d share.  Implied depression, body image issues (bigger character), depressive eating, crushes, fluff, Crowley is probably out of character but I don’t really care.

It was a bad day, I knew it as soon as I woke up.  With everything that had been going on, it had finally just taken the toll.

I knew to ignore it, I knew that the bad thoughts would go away, but it didn’t stop my shoulders from sinking slightly and the urge to almost burst into tears appearing in sporadic moments.

Sam and Dean didn’t say anything, they’d dealt with this before, and knew it was often best just to leave me be and let me deal with it.  Sometimes I wanted them to and sometimes it would’ve been nice to just have a hug.

The day started as a ‘I don’t want to interact with anyone’ day, so I was quiet and just kind of shuffled around, grabbing some food, before retreating to my room.  The boys didn’t question it and I didn’t elaborate. I kept to myself, kept myself as occupied as I could so as the thoughts didn’t overwhelm me, but not long after Dean brought me some lunch, it began to grow a lot worse.

Threatening tears became harder to control, and more than once I found myself staring at whatever I was trying to do blankly, sniffling away to myself.  I even tried to have a shower, but it had little effect, or at least, it didn’t last long.

After making myself a tea and running into Sam, who asked how I was, that was when I started really wanting a hug, which made the feeling worse.  I wasn’t the type to ask for that sort of thing, and I knew if I ever did, I’d probably break down into tears, and then feel stupidly embarrassed.

Instead, I just laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling, fighting off waves of tears as thoughts kept making it worse.  Eventually, I would roll over, curling myself up, and just give in to it for a little while.

Sam and Dean had long called it a night before I shuffled myself to the bathroom to freshen up.  I felt like absolute crap, but as soon as I saw myself in the mirror, I felt even worse.

My eyes were red and puffy from crying, my cheeks splotchy with colour while other bits were all too pale.  It made my cheeks look all too big, my face round, and it started my thoughts down a track I usually try my hardest to avoid.

It was true, I was a bigger build, but I had been all my life, no matter what I ever did, and while I was okay with it most of the time, I still had my moments.

The tears started again and I clenched tightly at the sink, turning my knuckles white. After such a low day already, it didn’t take much to get me going, and at that moment I was more than glad that Sam and Dean were already in bed.

They didn’t need to know about this.

It took some time, but I slowly settled myself, although I couldn’t stop the shake in my hands.  A lingering effect after being such a mess for the day.  With a heavy sigh, I washed myself up as best I could before deciding that I needed something to eat.  A part of me hated myself for it, but a bowl of ice cream sounded damned good right about now.

Hopefully Dean hadn’t eaten it all.

I shuffled out to the kitchen, barely even registering that the light was on, before I found myself stopped in my tracks staring at who I suddenly had for company.

Crowley looked more than a little sheepish as he lowered the glass from his lips, quickly swallowing the mouthful of very expensive scotch that Sam and Dean kept for very special occasions.  For a long moment, the two of us just stared at each other, seemingly wondering what the other about to do.

I decided I didn’t have the energy for it and continued to the fridge.  “They’ve been blaming me for that going down, you know?”

“You shouldn’t have such good taste then,” He quickly replied, before he frowned as I got the ice cream and chocolate sauce out respectively.  “It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”

“Nope.”  I said, grabbing just a spoon, a bowl the last thing on my mind.  “Does less damage than alcohol.”

I knew he was observing me carefully, but I decided it was just best to ignore it and deflect whatever was about to come my way, taking a seat at the table, my back to him.

“Aren’t you even curious about what I’m doing here?”

“No,” He was trying to get my guard down.  “You enjoy riling up Sam and Dean, so I’m not surprised that you’re stealing their best stuff, especially when I know you have expensive taste.”

“And...you aren’t going to tell me to get out?”

I got a large spoonful of ice cream and shoved it in my mouth.  “Nope.”

Crowley moved just into the corner of my vision, and I could make out his frown at me.  “Are you alright darling?”

Tears stung at my eyes again, but I forced them away.  “Nope.”

I had hoped that a short, blunt answer would deflect him, would have him hopefully running for the hills, so I was more than a little surprised when he sat next to me, a small note of concern in his voice.

“Has something happened?”

I gave a short, hard laugh, shaking my head and poking at the ice cream.  “What hasn’t happened lately?  It just builds up till I’ve got to have a day like this, you know, being an utter mess.  So no, nothing in particular.”

My next mouthful was more so I didn’t have to pay attention to Crowley.  I already had a small crush on the demon, I didn’t need him to start acting noble to make it worse.

I waved my spoon in the air, hoping to deflect things again. “I’ll be fine tomorrow.  Will get back to my usual self and all that, for now, just let me-"

Crowley cut me off taking my hand, stopping it from moving and earning himself a surprised look, but I quickly realised that was exactly what he wanted.  As he quickly took in the remains of the redness and puffiness in my face, I broke my gaze away.

“How often does this happen?”  He asked quietly, having not let go of my hand.

“Just let me eat in peace, Crowley.”

“You know I can’t let you do that.  I can’t just-"

“You will let me eat in peace or I will tell Sam and Dean you’ve been breaking into the bunker.”

A smirk tugged at his lips. “Please, like I’m going to take that threat seriously.” He plucked the spoon from my hand and the ice cream slid towards him, letting him take a mouthful.  “While it doesn’t go with scotch, I do believe we are now sharing a meal, which gives the expectation of conversation.”

I couldn’t help it, I laughed quietly and shot a half annoyed look.  “You are unbelievable.”

Crowley shrugged and took another spoonful before handing it back to me.  “Care to share love?”

My heart fluttered a little, but I hid it with a sigh, taking the spoon and the ice cream.  “It doesn’t happen regularly, or at least, not in a way I can describe it.  It just builds up and sometimes it’s just worse than others.  There’s not really much I can do about it except what I normally do, which is stubborn myself through it.  Is it healthy?  No, but we don’t exactly have the luxury of psychologists in this line of work.”

He took the spoon back, but his gaze was on me.  “While true, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t have people around you that understand.”

“They wouldn’t get all of it.”  I couldn’t help but mumble out, keeping my eyes on the table, hoping he hadn’t heard. “I don’t think Sam and Dean are really the right people to talk to.  We each have our own problems, we hardly want to burden each other with them too.”

Crowley rolled his eyes. “And you wonder why you lot disagree and go behind each others back so much.  If you don’t know what’s going on inside each others heads then how are you really going to know what each other are really like?”

“This coming from someone who’s job it is to know what’s in someone’s head.” I shook my head. “Sometimes the best thing is just space for a day.  No more, no less.”

He watched my hand this time as I took the spoon back.  “And that shake in your hand has nothing at all to do with how red your eyes and cheeks are, does it?”

“Nope.”

Crowley sighed and shook his head.  “Come on love, I’m sitting here being very out of character, give me something to go off.”

I remained silent, purposefully taking an all too large a bite of ice cream before passing it back to him.

He didn’t look too impressed.  “You’ll give yourself a brain freeze doing that.”

I shrugged, still remaining silent.

There was a snap, and the ice cream disappeared, but I don’t get a chance to protest, Crowley’s hand taking mine again.

“I’m going to sit here and make us both uncomfortable then,” He said firmly.  “And trust me when I can say I can do this all night and well into tomorrow, no matter what questions are asked.”

I snorted and tried to stand, to move away, only to find that his hand was very securely holding onto mine.  “Crowley, this isn’t funny.”

“You’re right, it’s not,” He clipped lightly.  “Which is why you’re going to sit back down and talk this mess over with me.  You do that and I won’t tell Dean about the now melting puddle of ice cream currently in his car.”

“You’re joking?”  I stared at him.  “Like Dean is going to believe-"

“It is labelled as your ice cream, is it not?”  Crowley smirked.  “And you are the only one awake.”

He was teasing, I knew he was, but the sudden well of emotions made me shudder, tears springing back to my eyes as I shook my head, trying to deny them again.  “Come on Crowley, you don’t have to bother yourself with me and my problems.”

“Those tears are telling me otherwise darling,” He said softly and with a small tug, I let him pull me back to sit in the chair.  “I’m here, I might as well do some form of payment for the scotch.”

I laughed before I choked on it, the tears starting in earnest again, making my whole body shake. Crowley seemed to hesitate for a moment before he slid his chair closer and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, only making me cry harder.  It wasn’t quite the hug I needed, but for now it was enough.

“You know, I know it doesn’t mean much from someone that talks a lot, but sometimes talking really is the best option.”

Another laugh choked on my lips before I turned and buried my head against him, surprising him, but in that moment I didn’t care. Then, through broken sobs as I tried to control it, I told him almost everything, uncaring if I gave anything at all away, I just needed it.  I don’t know how he understood me through all the sobbing and cries, but not once did he stop me, just letting me talk.

By the end of it, my tears had mostly stopped, just quiet sniffles happening occasionally, feeling utterly exhausted.  Crowley’s thumb was brushing over my shoulder and he pulled out his handkerchief, handing it to me.

“Thank you.”  I said, taking it and doing my best to dry my eyes, quickly realising I’d left a wet patch on his jacket.  “I, er, hope I didn’t ruin your jacket.”

Crowley chuckled, shaking his head.  “It takes more than a few tears to ruin this suit darling.  Are you feeling better?”

Slowly, I nod, avoiding his gaze as I sit up more, still trying to stop the last of my sniffling.

“Good,” He said softly. “Now, do you care to tell me the last of it?”

I tensed and gave him a quick sheepish look before shaking my head as I stood, heading to the sink to wash my face.  “There’s nothing else Crowley.”

Crowley’s gaze remained on me.  “I do believe there is, because everything you told me so far I’m sure the boys would be more than understanding about.  So, what exactly wouldn’t they understand?”

I shook my head, leaning against the sink, not wanting to look back at him, knowing that it would only make the tears return.  “It’s nothing.  It’s a problem for me to deal with.”

“I’m not asking to upset you further,” Crowley said quietly.  “I’m asking because I genuinely want to know.  It…concerns me seeing you like this.  If I can help simply by listening then I ask that you let me.”

Staring at the water droplets in the sink, I could still feel myself shaking, and those insecurities still weighed heavily in the back of my mind.  It wasn’t just something that I could talk about.  My eyes went to his handkerchief though, the red standing out, and I couldn’t help but wonder just how much he actually meant all this.

“Why are you doing this Crowley?”  I asked quietly.  “What do you get out of this?”

“Answer me first, and I’ll tell you.”  He said, a note of amusement in his voice.  “If you keep avoiding it then it’s going to end up in a very long conversation, not that I mind.”

I sighed and closed my eyes, knowing that he was right, having witnessed him doing it on more than a few occasions, but still, I was stubborn.  “It’s not important.”

“If it wasn’t important, you wouldn’t be upset about it.”

I hated that he was right.

Crowley stood and I could hear him cautiously approaching me.  “I want to listen love, even offer advice if I can. I-”

“You can’t offer advice for this,” I said bitterly, cutting him off, closing my eyes off to the world. “Because this problem is with me, Crowley, with my…with my-my size.  I’ve been like this all my life, and while I’m a lot easier with it now than when I was a teenager, I still…I still have my moments where it’s bad.  There’s just so much bullshit out there over what you should look like that it ingrains itself in your brain, no matter how happy you can make yourself, and when-when your emotional already, it just all comes back up.”

There was a long silence after my small rant and I could feel my heart rate pick up the longer it dragged on, wondering what was going through his mind about it all.  I couldn’t bring myself to look though, hanging on the edge of knife with tears again already.

“My darling, you are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”

The bitter laugh that left me was more out of shock than anything else, and I quickly shook my head. “Don’t do that to me Crowley, don’t tell me what you think I need to hear.”

“I’m not,” He said softly. “I’m telling you what I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time now.  Seems a bit strange to do it now, I’ve imagined that going much differently, but there you go, there’s reality for you.”

My heart was racing, but a part of me still did not want to believe it, my voice breaking as I asked my next question.  “Why-why should I believe you?”

“Well, there are many ways I could convince you,” He said, and I could hear him stepping closer. “But looking at me would be a start.”

I gave a strangled laugh and shook my head.  “No, I’m a mess.”

His hand rests on my shoulder, and he seems to think for a moment before moving down my back a little, staring small, soothing circles as he leant on the counter next to me. “Just a little bit, but I’m not going to hold that against you.  I let you cry all over my suit after all.”

My next laugh was less painful and I couldn’t help but shoot him a slightly annoyed look.  “Why are you doing this Crowley?”

Crowley smiled. “Because for all my stubbornness in trying to deny myself, in the quiet moments I do get, my mind wanders to you. It’s rather infuriating, but there you go.  In all honesty,” He nods back at the scotch.  “I’ve been hoping that I’d run into you one night to be able to talk to you, although I never expected to find you like this.  I’m a little glad I have though, it’s allowed me to see just a little bit more of who you really are, and no matter what you think, I’m still more than willing to hang around, no matter what state you are in.”

This was not how I expected the day to go when I woke up this morning.  I stared at him, still in a little disbelief at what he just admitted to me openly, but my shock only seemed to make him chuckle.

He tucked my hair behind my ear.  “Don’t look so shocked dear, you’re the one that’s meant to be good at reading people.”

“And you’re the one that’s guarded about it,” I said back.  “Crowley…you still don’t have to admit all this to me to try and make me feel better.  I don’t ever want to make you uncomfortable.”

Something flashed across his gaze so quickly that I couldn’t quite catch what it was and he titled his head a little.  “What would ever make you think I was uncomfortable darling?  Are you uncomfortable?”

Heat flooded my cheeks, and I shook my head.  “Not with you, no.  Never.”

“Then let me tell you something,” He said quietly, his arm snaking around the front of my waist, pulling to him, something I moved all too easily into.  “There’s not a part of you that I haven’t dreamed about touching or kissing or wanting.  You are utterly stunning, just the way you are, from your mind, to your humour, to your smile, and there is absolutely nothing I would change for all the world.”

Despite knowing that I was bright red at this point, I couldn’t help but let a small smile come to me. “I didn’t know that demons could dream.”

Crowley laughed quietly, shaking his head, a mischievous look in his eyes.  “Well, it sounds better than me saying I have a very active imagination.”

I laughed, unable to help it, breaking shyly away from his gaze, but Crowley wasn’t having it, a gentle touch to my cheek bringing my gaze back.

His eyes dropped to my lips for a moment and as his gaze met mine again, I realised what emotion it was that I’d missed before.

Longing.

My mouth suddenly felt incredibly dry, but I stepped into him anyway, my hands resting on his jacket, a little nervous, not really sure what to do next.  “Crowley…”

One arm still securely around my waist, his other hand came up and cupped my cheek, something I instinctively leant into, and I realised just how close we were, his nose nudging mine slightly, his next words incredibly quiet.

“I would kneel to the ground and worship you, if you let me.”

I didn’t have time to let those words sink in, his lips pressing to mine in a soft, slightly unsure kiss.  When I responded though, leaning more into it, my eyes closing, a soft groan rumbled through his chest, making a smile tug at my lips.

The kiss remained slow, testing, getting comfortable with each other.  A small shiver runs up my spine as his hand slipped into my hair, and I couldn’t help but run my hand up through his beard, resting on his cheek.

Crowley smiled into the kiss and pulled away slightly.  “Clearly your taste is even better than I thought.”

I snorted before breaking into giggles, quickly dropping my head to his chest, wrapping my arms around his neck.  “Considering I have an even more expensive and much nicer tasting bottle of scotch tucked away in my room, I’d say so too.”

“Oh?”

I hum, more than happy as his arms wrapped around me in a proper hug.  “Good luck finding it though.”

Crowley laughed loudly. “Now my darling, you do know that I like a challenge.”

“Yep,” I smiled against him. “But you know I’m very good at keeping secrets.”

Whatever Crowley was going to say next was stopped by the sound of a door opening and shuffling footsteps in the hall.

Crowley quickly lifted my head up and dipped a chaste kiss to my lips.  “Till later my love.”

I had time enough to nod before he disappeared, the scotch returned to it’s rightful place and the ice cream back on the table as it I’d left it there, just as Dean walked into the kitchen, frowning in the light.

“What are you doing?” He asked tiredly.

“Raiding the ice cream,” I said, holding up the spoon.  “Did I disturb you?”

Dean’s frown deepened. “I could’ve sworn I heard laughing.”

“Laughing?”  I smiled and then shook my head.  “Sorry Dean, no laughing here, maybe crying a little, but that’s about it.”

“Crying?”  Dean asked.  “Are you okay?”

It seemed to surprise him when I nodded.  “Yeah, I’m feeling better.  I think I needed a good cry, been building up too much.”

“Oh, okay,” Dean nodded slowly.  “Well, if you’re okay…”

“Go back to bed Dean,” I said and yawned.  “I think I’m finally ready to call it a night too.”

Dean nodded again and waved, heading back down the hall, leaving me alone again.  I sighed, still smiling, and shook my head, getting everything cleaned up.  It was certainly a far better ending to the day than the way it began.

In my room though, I couldn’t help but laugh quietly as Crowley grinned a little guiltily from the bed.

“You went looking, didn’t you?”

“A celebratory drink did seem in order.”

I shook my head, smiling. “You are unbelievable.”

“I’m just glad I got you smiling again.”  Crowley said cheerfully.  “You make sure you tell me whenever this happens love, alright?”

I nodded, even as I sat next to him.  “I’m sure I can manage that.”

“Good.” He stole a kiss from me, lingering for just a moment.  “Tomorrow night then, would you be free for dinner?”

“I’m sure I can shuffle a few things around.”  I said, smiling, pulling him back into another kiss.  “Only if you promise that if you ever get like this too, you tell me.”

Crowley looked quietly surprised for a moment before his gaze softened and he nodded, pressing a soft kiss to my forehead.  “Promise.”