Wah seriously I have no idea how to start. Please do not judge me for typing this (because yes my eyes should be on the future, my one true love, my man. Binny has given me permission to vent my thoughts here on my personal blog.)
P.s. I’m writing this because I personally don’t think it’s nice to go openly declare on facebook that you cared when you did not. At all. Not a single bit.
He was my good friend, old confidant, someone I used to love for close to three years in my prime years. Obviously he took up a significant part of my youth.
I made a mistake to get close to this other guy in the past, and obviously, I deserved the break up. He scolded me, and shut me off completely. But I personally felt like I truly deserved it, for not cherishing him enough to keep my eyes on him.
Then after the second breakup with MY, I got together with a short lived relationship with a cheater - and broke up. When I was at the weakest point of my life - when I cried like mad - I did contact him, only to be replied with a very hostile and mean message. Something that I remember for life. Quoting from pure memory, went something like, “oh my life is damn great now (without you), you deserved getting cheated and hurt, HAHA!” (Okay it was a pretty long message but this was essentially the gist of it. )
After trying so hard to get back tgr with him for almost 2 years - getting this kind of reply at the worst point of my life is pretty much telling me to give up totally on any future we might ever have.
“Letting go?” If you even had thoughts about patching up in the first place, you would have made it known since 3 years ago.
I expected a lot more from a man who goes around saying he loves and have not let go of me - a man who pines for someone he lost ago. Since you weren’t doing a single thing (and the only thing you did was to send mean messages - laughing at my plights) - what really were you expecting from me?
Are you expecting me to say, “Omg thank you for scolding me and laughing at me!” Since your life out there is so beautiful like how you painted it for me, why must you go post things like as if you were hurt? If the world out there without me is so much more better (thus telling me to get out of your life), then whats with those sudden emo messages?
Please la if you have gotten over 3 years ago, then why post it again now? It totally shows that you haven’t gotten over anything since then. If you wanted a future, what else did you expect me to do? What actions did you even take?
Back to my story - during the lowest point of my life - I didn’t even want to go to India. I was so devastated and just crying my eyes out every second of the entire week. God was my support and life saviour, in a way. He also planted a special someone to enter my life right at that time.
This guy, is like some bad-ass. He’s the kind of guy that every girl wants - kind of like the korean superstar? The silent badboy of the class, who carries like a sling bag to school and lifts his feet on the table. Someone who uses witty words to counterattack anyone. And then when he turns around, there was his back - it was an “emo” back. Damn sad back. Okay no one understands what that meant HAHA but ok I like his broad shoulders and they make me want to hug him so badly. He might look like he’s damn emo but in fact he’s a very happy man? HAHA. He this a resting bitch face that makes me want to always take the effort to crack a joke or tickle him to make him sneak a smile.
:> He loves me for who I am, accepting the mistakes I’ve made in the past (yup yup he knows it all - the 100% truth, the mistakes I made; everything.)
But if I made a mistake (in the future) and fully repented for it, I believe he, hb, will forgive me and will welcome be back with open arms. I mean it’s obviously not an open door for me to go abuse this fact but at least I know he’ll always be there for me.
And that, is the main difference. This is the guy i finally chose, because he picked me up and love me for who I am. Who understands me inside out, who treats me like a little princess, who cherish me and protect me, who shields me and strengthens me. :> He knows my weaknesses and tries to do everything he could to cover them. And obviously I love him a million times more than anything else, because he has a very kind heart and he’s seriously the most handsome man in the world. And though his jokes are not funny, I laugh at his expressions when I say they are not; I love him because he’s always on my side, no matter how evil or selfish I might be. I love him for being so smart and witty, for being who he is, for always loving, forgiving, for being the man I want to support for and spend the rest of my life with.
And no, my ex was a nice, great man. He was kind as well, but well there’s that missing 1% (for me). I mean yes I’ld be happy if there’s a certain someone who would fill his heart in the future; and pray that she won’t ever make a mistake in her entire life unless he learnt how to forgive, accept her. Kinda like, pass the greatest test of love. But If we could rewind time and if I did not commit my mistakes, I’ld probably have just ended up with him.
You said that we won’t go back together ever again. It shall wait for our next life, or in another dimension.
If there were truly a next life, or another dimension, i’ld say with utmost conviction that I’ll immediately go find my dearest binny, no matter how hard that might be. If I could turn back time to the secondary school days, I’ld go to the doors of raffles institution and find a way to get to know this man from the very beginning. I’ld gladly erase every trace of memory I ever had; well but I guess that’s what made me who I am today.
I might truly just be, “the person in your life just to teach you how to let go". Whatever it is, thank you. And farewell. May our God protect you and provide you with a beautiful path ahead.
Ending off with the definition of what true love is, - something that Binny flashed and possibly the most important message that will guide us through our entire love lives just before he got down on one knee.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
