Again.
Am i falling for a straight girl, once again?
I would never forget that episode were babe Vause (Alex, from oitnb) said “Never fall for the straight girl”. And there you have it, common knowledge for lesbians that I choose to ignore somehow.
Why am I feeling this lack of resistance? I know this girl, I used to have a crush on her until she clearly said to me that she was straight but we could be friends. I took my distance and then became a friend, as i got to knew her more I could see a lot of traits that I didn't like in a partner. Making the fact that I was no longer interested in her in that way attainable.
In the after math, within time I saw another side of her...one that I did like. A vulnerable, open, creative yet sweetly acquiescent woman. A girl I could take care of and make happy while feeling good. Between hugs, kisses on the cheek, long nights and movie days I have started to doubt my feelings... is it possible that I’m liking her again? I care for her in a very specific way. I want her to get better if she is sick, I want her to be better with her personal choices. I want to be there when she needs to. Maybe deep inside I want her to hug me and take my hand shamelessly.
So what to do now? Should I believe everything will be okay? She suddenly will stop playing and give this whole “i like this girl” a try? I know this will not happen, that’s not her, even when I can feel her questioning herself. I read her messages, I read how lucky she feels to have me. Would she stop asking herself why am i so cute/good to her and consider me as a choice? And anyways why am I so nice to her?!! I don’t even see myself with this girl, i know better.
I should know better by now....but some days I’m not so sure. Some days she seems sweeter and keeps me warm, makes me believe that I can be that person for her and she could for me.
IN THE MEANTIME.....