Guest Blogger: Robusta Takes A Tumble
I have been down this road at least 100 times, and have been yo-yo dieting as far back as I can remember. Seriously. I remember getting teased more for being chubby than being a nelly little boy at school. Somethings worked better than others. I failed gym twice in high school (and I know what you're thinking. "How do you fail gym?" Try not showing up for four weeks, and then call me.) and had to take three gym classes my senior year. When I left Laguardia High School for the Performing Arts, I was 165 slender, gorgeous, handsome, buff pounds. When I began my first year of college, I walked in weighing roughly 195. I had a really cute SKINNY boyfriend, and we started dating when I was at 195. Luckily for me, the college that I attended used Olestra in their food, and I was availing myself of the school gym at the crack of dawn before my first class. Thus, I was back down to 165 within a few months thanks to *ahem* "runny stool".
Before I go any further, tell the FDA to kiss my big, fat ass for taking Olestra out of food. It was a dieter's wet dream. Eat everything you want. Crap every last ounce of it out.
After a bad breakup with the cute skinny boyfriend, I ate every last feeling I had back into my stomach. My metabolism just GOBBLED up all those extra calories though, and I'd always even out at 195.
Fast forward about 100 years - This past Saturday, after beginning yet another weight loss journey (because 235 pounds is two Entenmann's devil's food cakes away from my heaviest at 240), I slipped and fell (back first) down a flight of stairs in my apartment building. I'm totally fine- just sore and black and blue, but it scared the bejeezus out of me. As I hobbled back up the stairs to calm myself, I pictured Scarlet - not O'Hara- the BBW from that famous viral youtube video when she busted her ass after singing a song that she was making up as she went along after putting on a pair of gold cork-soled wedgies.
In case you're curious, the fun starts at 2:10
When I got back into my apartment, I laughed and laughed. If there were a camera on me at that moment, I would have gone viral. Robusta Takes A Tumble, The Fat Gay Boy Version. Then, I got very scared. If I had been any heavier, I probably would've literally broken my hip or my tail bone. I probably would not have busted myself up as badly as I did if I did weigh less, so... it's official. Goodbye, gordura! Hello, fruits and veggies.
I've begun a modified version of the South beach diet that I call, Ro-Ro Chocha Beach Diet. You can have good carbs, like steel cut oatmeal, fresh and dried fruit, brown and wild rice in limited quantities. Up anything green, like spinach, broccoli, field greens, string beans. And one great big no to bread and pasta and my favorite, white rice. I'm clumsy as hell, so I know that Robusta will take another tumble eventually. Hopefully, if and when I do, there will be considerably less of me coming down that flight of stairs!
Jovier Sanchez - I am co-owner of a theater production company, Bizarre Noir Theatre Company, with my husband, P. William Pinto. In addition to creating a significantly more fabulous drag alter-ego, Miss Robusta Capp, known for singing like a broad, I'm also a classically trained tenor and have sung all over the New York tri-state area, and will be making my international debut in Ottawa, Canada, at the end of April! I've been skinny, fat, really fat, skinny-fat, and have leveled out at my current state which I lovingly describe as juicy. Sue and I have known each other since we were children, and made dirty jokes to each other when I sat in front of her in the seventh grade. Find 'Bizarre Noir' on Facebook, and find Robusta Capp on Facebook as well! See you at the grocery aisle!
