Re-birth
The police are speaking to my dad and I can’t hear anything of what they’re saying, though I’m looking at them, they’re less than a foot away from me, no barriers dividing us, but I can’t hear. Every sound is muffled, distant, background noise. the flickering of the lights coming from the police car reflects on the puddles dotting the curb. I know something has happened, I know it when Martin opens his mouth to form an “O”, I know it when my dad reaches for his hand, as if that would make the two men in uniform disappear. I know it when Remi drops his head on Drew’s shoulder and starts sobbing silently. But I can’t hear anything, I don’t know what I should be sorry for, and I keep standing here, looking at the blue lights drawing my attention away from the present, lulling me until I’m somewhere else, until I’m 6 again. I’m six and it’s my birthday. I’m six and I’m wearing the brand new navy-blue jodhpurs my dad got me and my riding boots because I’m six and I’m the only one of my friends who can ride a pony on her own. I’m six and I can help my grandma having my friends take turns on fudge, my caramel coloured pony. Today is my special day, and everybody is celebrating with me, dad, nana, my brothers, my friends, even my mum here at nan Celia’s. In the backyard, surrounded by a thousand flowers, I’m happy, I’m in my own fairytale, nature all around, a little pond with ducks and toads and Duke, a dog as big as a Shetland pony. The cake lands on the table and goes, and I’m still waiting for a “Happy birthday” that never comes. I can see her, at the opposite end of the garden, as far away from me as possible, drinking the afternoon away, shouting at Remi and Drew every time they leave her side for too long. She keeps calling for them, but we’re too far from where she isolated herself to hear. running around the pond with Duke, our fearless steed, trying to catch a huge green toad, the majestic dragon that is threatening the castle, to free all its noble becked-inhabitants, we can’t hear nor see her when she stands up from her seat, appalled by the fact that the two boys found something more fun to do than keeping her company, reeling all the way across the party to the castle. And now that I can see her clearly in front of me, taking one last unsure step to grab my arm to stop me from running around, I know is too late, she trips, loses her balance and falls into the pond dragging me down with her. My head feels heavy, I can’t move it, I’m struggling to breathe, but this feels odd, but nice, and warm, almost like a hug. black. I’m now in a white and green room surrounded by balloons, and I don’t know where my party has gone, but dad is here, lightly snoring on a chair, stubble on his chin. I don’t know where I am, breathing hurts, weird tubes stick out from my arm and nose. “Da..” gets stuck in my throat, but help comes promptly from the right “Patrick, she’s awake! Hey there, Cam” and I don’t even have the time to understand where that voice comes from that dad is hugging, no, clinging on to me desperately, until the tall man appears behind him, two paper cups in his hands and a huge smile on his face. Three days and a million needles poking my skin, injecting liquids and drawing blood later, I am finally going home, but not to her, I’m going home with dad. we’re going to stay with nana for a while and Remi and Drew are coming with us, dad keeps talking and talking but I stopped listening, I’m looking out of the window at the cars colouring the curb with their lights, and I’m looking at Martin’s reflection on the glass smiling back at me. Now no one’s smiling, no happiness, they’re all looking at me. As always Drew gets it before everyone else and drags me inside mumbling something to excuse the both of us.