#bkdk rambles

[bakudekued]

katsuki sneaks into deku’s room long after visiting hours are over to curl up in his hospital bed and fall asleep to beeping monitors. in his dreams, deku is awake. in the morning, he lashes out at the nurses for rousing him from his sleep and making him leave.

because he doesn’t know how to say “sleep is the only time i can pretend this isn’t happening.” he doesn’t know how to say “sleep is the only time i have him back” or “sleep is the only time the weight of this doesn’t feel like it’s cracking my chest open” so he just shouts instead.

[misakitsuki]

Do you cry at two in the morning imagining BakuDeku slow dancing in their wedding while playing your bkdk wedding playlist or are you ok?

[bakudekued]

it makes me very sad thinking about how isolated bakugou must feel right now. he’s the only one who knows his true feelings for deku. i’ve been annoyed at his classmates’ reactions to his emotions but i do understand they don’t know the extent of how much bakugou really cares. there might be a few who have their hunches, but there isn’t anyone bakugou feels comfortable enough with to sit down and talk to about this. even if he did, deku is the only one who truly sees him. so he just has to live with it. it must be suffocating. he has all these regrets, all these things he’s trying to atone for, all these things he probably wants to say. and he can’t even see deku. he doesn’t even know if deku could hear him if he did get the chance to sit at his bedside. it’s all just sitting on his chest and he’s suffering it alone.

[bakudekued]

just picturing katsuki sitting at deku's side, head resting on the metal bars of the hospital bed, whispering into the darkness of the room that even though they spent their childhood idolizing all might, deku has always been his real hero.

he’s never been good with words but right now all that’s all he’s got: the shit he’s never said and the sick feeling in his gut that deku can’t hear him professing it all through the sleep and the beeps of the machinery keeping him alive.

he tells deku that he’s everything and that he’s always been everything and that’s why he spent so long treating him like he was nothing. because he didn’t know how to carry that weight when everything else was already so heavy so he just pretended the weight didn’t exist.

he finally confesses and nothing talks back except mechanical clicks and whirs and the hustle of nurses in the hallway outside. a sick, distant voice in his head tells him that’s all he deserves anyway.

[bakudekued]

i don’t know much but i do know that when mitski wrote “if you need to be mean / be mean to me / i can take it / and put it inside of me / if your hands need to break / more than trinkets in your room / you can lean on my arm / as you break my heart” she was talking about bkdk