BPD is a very complex mental illness. There can be so many symptoms that one person experiences. It can be very confusing for others to understand, let alone the person who is actually suffering. BPD is severe emotional pain (not an official definition) which very much controls a person’s everyday life. I know it controls my life. No matter what I do to try and cope with this illness, it can still be very controlling. I’ve tried many therapists, been on medications, and have done and still do various self care tactics. It really seems like an endless cycle and no matter what I do the symptoms will always be there and can come on really strong. One of those symptoms that can come on strongly for me is black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is either thinking something or someone is really bad, or that something or someone is really good. There is no in between. Not even slightly. It’s one or the other. It can last for a few hours or a few days. It really just depends on the person and/or the situation.
I experienced black and white thinking just a couple of days ago. I had this change of thinking towards my FP. In my mind, he hadn't been treating me the best a couple days prior to my change in thinking. He was taking forever to text me back at times. At one point I saw that he had a heart in his phone next to a person that he had became closer with not too long ago. A lot of people may think that I am overreacting, but I was triggered. My BPD mind makes me think this is a bad thing. This triggered me because I knew that in his phone he just had my name and nothing else. Like I wasn't special to him. I think of myself as his bestfriend and I’ve known him longer than that person, and so to think that I wasn’t special to him hurt a lot.
Also that same day while we were together, he was glued to his phone texting two other people. One of which was the person he had the heart next to. I couldn’t help but think to myself that he would never be glued to his phone while talking to me. He always takes a while to reply to me. This triggered me even more. One more thing that triggered me to go into black and white thinking towards him was him making jokes about my weight. More than once. Maybe he didn’t think anything of it, but of course I did. This is a sensitive topic for me. I am insecure about my weight and he knows that. So for him to joke about it broke me and ultimately made me think of him as a stranger and a really bad person. I didn’t want to be his friend anymore.
As a person that suffers from BPD, my emotions are heightened and so I felt really really mad at him. I thought that he was my bestfriend. He’s supposed to support me and help make me feel good about myself. But he wasn’t doing that. This led me to not talk to him for 2 days and that's really big for a person with BPD. Especially with their FP. An FP is everything to a person with BPD.
Now it’s 3 days later and while I’m still on the edge about it and still haven’t forgotten he’s made me feel even more insecure than I already am, I am letting up a little bit. I have not told him that he hurt my feelings with those jokes, but maybe I will soon....or maybe I’m just waiting for the right time to do it...
