#blackthoughts unedited

[vivamlc]

black-thoughts-unedited-53

Hate being a face in the crowd, but don’t know what to do to stand out, other than scream shout... hate the feeling of being left out, constantly worried if I’m being talked about... hate feeling like a target of lust, and when it’s done being left for dust... hate feeling like I’m fucking up... hate feeling like I’m not enough... hate these feelings, this shit is tough... wish I could give it up...

[vivamlc]

black-thoughts-unedited-41

I say good morning...

I say good morning... not because I have to... because I miss talking to you...

I say good morning... not because I feel obligated... but because I’m elated...

I say good morning... not because it’s a social norm... I say good morning because it is an introduction... it is an excuse to talk to you even when I have nothing to say... it is the filler that allows my thoughts a moment to congregate... it is the key that opens the door to conversation... it is the hope that we will further relations...

I say good morning... in the hope that you won’t forget me... I say good morning wishing that this time someone won’t forget me... I say good morning... not because it’s what you need... but because I hope that good morning can become a seed... and what blooms will be the results of anxieties freed...

I say good morning... so I can one day say good night... and in the morning my world is still full of your light...

[vivamlc]

black-thoughts-unedited-14

There’s so much I never say. Jokes that are only funny that day. Responses for the crazy things you say... Yet I stay silent waiting for when these thoughts go away, waiting for these feelings to go away... Yet they stay... Adding to the things I never say...

[vivamlc]

A world without you hurts

A world with you is the worse

A world within you beautiful cosmic purse

My love for you was a curse

For this break I need a nurse

[vivamlc]

Truth revealed my heart breaks

Time can only stop the shakes

Jealous and rage, of the dyin of a lost age

The world keeps spinning

Sometimes losing feels like winning

[vivamlc]

I don’t wanna play with your heart, but it feels like you always play with mine…

It’s why I never give you the time, us the time…

Am I just blind…

Is it all in my mind…

[vivamlc]

Eternal Life and Infinite Reflections: Ballad of the Monad and Abraxas

In the beginning there was nothing, but nothing was something and the first thing was born.

Humans would one day call this Yahweh, or Allah, supreme god, maker of man within man.

The ancients called this the Monad, the first thing, the first number, the first god.

The Monad existed in a state of pure potentiality, a state of pure being, a state of pure consciousness. It was alone. It was one. It was all. It was nothing. It was the Monad. So it could be anything and so it was everything and chaos was born. This thing was both the monad and not the monad. Nothing, and something at the same time. The ancients called this the Dyad, the second thing, the second number, the second god. She was given another name by the ancestors, Asherah, the mother of all things, the mother of all gods, the mother of all life. With the birth of the Dyad the Monad saw many possibilities, endless possibilities to be more, to be less, to be everything, to be nothing, to be something, to be anything. So it did as it does.

The Monad and the Dyad danced together, they danced in the chaos, they danced in the void, they danced in the nothing, they danced in the everything, they danced in the something, they danced in the anything. They danced and they danced. The one joining with the two becoming the third. The Triad. nothing, something and Endless Possibility.

This possibility could only look ahead, never back, so it could not see the light of the monad, or the dyad, though it could feel their presence. With their blessing it created a fourth concept, we call this time. With time the Triad would be able to turn and turn and turn, able to see all of creation. All of its creators. Its mother and its father. The Triad was given a name by the ancients, Sophia, the goddess of wisdom, the goddess of creation, the goddess of life.

Time was born blind, and it was meant to be the forward looking guard of Sophia, of creation, but it could not feel either. It knew only its purpose and its direction and it was good. It was the first of the gods to be given a purpose, a direction, a reason to be. It was the first of the gods to be given a name. It was called Chronos, the god of time, the god of the past, the god of the future, the god of the present. Though the name given it by the gnostics was the Demiurgos, the god of the material world, the god of the physical world, the god of the world of form. For without it nothing else could be.

The Triad and the Demiurgos danced together, they danced in the chaos, they danced in the void, they danced in the nothing, they danced in the everything, they danced in the something, they danced in the anything. They danced and they danced. The one joining with the three becoming the fourth. The Tetrad. nothing, something, Endless Possibility and Time.

The Tetrad was arrogant. It decided to create without feeling, and could only imitate what the monad had done. So the tetrad stole the power of Sophia and mixed it with its own creating seven children. It left a gap in creation, one which the monad filled with two lights. His own, so that all the Demiurge created could be seen, and that of the dyad, so that what was hidden, would one day come to his own light.

The beings known as Sophia and Demiurgos were no more. They had become one. One bound into another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another. The seven children of the Demiurgos were born, and they were called the seven archons. They were the gods of the seven planets, the gods of the seven days, the gods of the seven sins, the gods of the seven virtues, the gods of the seven heavens, the gods of the seven hells. As punishment they were replaced by the seven and placed at the end. Sophia's light which had been stolen would be made to shine again, and the Demiurgos would be made to see it so it extended infinitely in all directions always intersecting with his creation, a light imitating its own. As a gift for creating the seven who were bright and beautiful the Monad blessed the Demiurgos with the power to create. The Demiurgos was given a name by the ancients, Yaldabaoth, the god of the material world, the god of the physical world, the god of the world of form. For without it nothing else could be.

The Tetrad and the Heptad danced together, they danced in the chaos, they danced in the void, they danced in the nothing, they danced in the everything, they danced in the something, they danced in the anything. They danced and they danced. The one joining with the four becoming the fifth. The Pentad. nothing, something, Endless Possibility, Time and Creation. The sixth was hidden away Dreams? Nightmares? Ideas to spare? Who can say, it was hidden away. Seven was the chaos, as it was both beginning and end.

Over the seven powers of reality the seven virtuous lights were born. They would one day be called of mighty angels and some even named for fearsome demons. Amongst them three led the defection of angels into the creation of their father. They were called the three traitors, the three betrayers, the three fallen, the three demons, the three devils, the three accursed, the three accusers. They were the three who would one day be called Lucifer, Satan and Leviathan.

As they were so opposed to remaining in the Heavens the monad placed them in charge of all creation, along with their followers. These would become the days of the week, months of the years, weather and other phenomenon. For all that exist there is an angel, and an angel for all that exists.

Those who showed promise were allowed to walk with the Monad as it searched amongst the Yaldabaothian creation, finding things it could improve upon, grow, strengthen and experience. One day it came upon the little light toying with some of the beast within creation. It had forced tiny creatures to walk upright just as they did and it had created many and scattered them across the lands. Most of these creatures were destructive, far too chaotic, so he left them to the Dyad to handle. Amongst them he found a singular creature that was different. It was not destructive, it was not chaotic, it was not evil. It was good. It was the first of the humans.

It had a form like them, but not like them. Its form was different but the same. Dyadic in nature. This became the first woman. Eden, for she was born of the garden and walked upright amongst beast. The Monad was pleased with this creation and so he took the light and placed it within her. She was the first of the humans to be given a soul. With this soul she was given the hidden aspects of creation and allowed to name them. We call them dreams and nightmares, but young Eden called them Day and Night. For one shown the light of the Monad could not help but see the darkness of the Dyad.

It was she who would be given the right to the first name of many creatures, but this did not last long. As one day the Monad decided he would create a being in his own image, not improve upon the creations of his children. This first man he named Atem, for he was the first of the earth, and first of his kind. The Atem was given first right of naming and this bred the first conflict between the two humans. For the Atem was jealous of the Eden, and the Eden was jealous of the Atem. Eden was first in creation, but Atem was first in the Monad's heart. The Dyad tried to comfort her, but as Eden's nature was to experience all things fully she embraced her jealousy and it became a part of her. Repeatedly she would try to take the Atem's place, but the Monad would not allow it. So she ran from her own garden.

No matter where she ran the darkness she created followed her, it became her shadow. Outside the walls of her garden under the light of the Monad her darkness spread as far as her light, making her visible to all the creatures of the Earth. What noticed her was the greatest of all beast, the little light Lucifer. Lucifer came to the poor creature feeling sorry for it and his own hand in its creation. He offered her a deal, he would give her the power to create her own garden, and her own creatures, and her own humans, and her own Atem. All she had to do was give him the power to create his own humans. With this the demons were born and like the plagues they would birth they spread across the world.

The Monad left these creatures to the Dyad. What harm they could do did not outweigh the good, and that potential was far more important to it. The area it needed to focus its attention was that of the garden. For the Atem had been left alone and needed a partner. So the Monad took the Atem and placed him in a deep sleep. From his rib he took a piece and created a new creature. This creature was called Eve, for she was the first of the humans to be born of another human. He was reborn as Adam, for he was new and no longer the first of his kind.

While in the Garden Adam wasted away for he believed that he was perfect because he was created by the Monad and did not need to grow, or change. This was in contrast to the very nature of the Monad, and those who watched him were frustrated. They complained to their brothers, leaders of the fallen who told them that they should join him, and the woman who he had crowned king of his land as Lilith. In his kingdom he would be the only one who could create, and they would be his slaves. They would be his angels. First they must prove their loyalty to him. They must cause the corruption of the Atem (man) and the Eden (garden). The leader of the watchers snuck back into the garden and made a bargain with the serpent. It would give it the power to speak and breath fire, if it allowed him to possess it. The serpent agreed and the leader of the watchers possessed it. Using its form it corrupted the Eve, and the Eve corrupted the Adam. The night and day broke and the two humans were cast out of the garden.

Using the knowledge they had reserved for Adam they taught the humans of Lucifer to create. They taught them to create weapons, and armor, and tools, and machines, and buildings, and cities, and nations, and empires. They taught them to create war, and famine, and disease, and death. They taught them to create chaos, and destruction, and evil. They taught them to create and the Monad allowed because it was the nature of the Monad to allow. Death and Rebirth filled the land outside the garden, spreading entropy and chaos. The dyad allowed this because it was the nature of the dyad to allow.

The Monad however could not abide this and set about writing it. He reset the night and day and used its pieces to separate order from chaos, and used time to bind them together. He let time name all the children that would arise from this to feed its greedy nature. He let time name the children of the Atem and the Eden. He let time name the children of the Atem and the Lilith. And he let time name the children of the Adam and the Eve. And time being arrogant named them all the same after him and extensions of him.

When Adam and Eve were kicked from the garden their children gave birth to death and its sibling. The children of lucifer and lilith gave birth to destruction and its siblings. When these two ends met they created a new one, forming a dark trinity to rival that of creation. This new entropy was hidden in the depths of creation and the prison of the Monad. It was called the Abyss, and it was the home of the Demiurgos and all its wayward children. As time moved on it would be called the underworld, and the hell, and the abyss, and the void, and the chaos, and the darkness, and the nothing, and the everything, and the something, and the anything. It became all the things that the Monad was not, and all the things that the Dyad was not. It became the place where all things that were not were. It became the place where all things that were not were not. It gave life to the void, and the void became silence, and it became lies, which returned all things to chaos.

Time and its children saw lies as a new weapon to use in their quest to seize back all the power they had given away. They took form throughout the ages using lies to build upon lies in order to control the world. They became the kings and queens of the world, and the gods of the world, and the angels of the world, and the demons of the world. They became the rulers of the world, and the rulers of the underworld, and the rulers of the abyss. They became the rulers of the void, and the rulers of the chaos, and the rulers of the darkness, and the rulers of the nothing, and the rulers of the everything, and the rulers of the something, and the rulers of the anything. They became known amongst all of creation as the masters of order, and as its masters it was they who would be called the masters of the universe.

This pleased the monad, as in their jealousy they were pushed into creation. Using their silly little lies they built empires that built worlds that built universes, and the monad allowed because he was all things that create, and will be created. The dyad allowed because she was all the feelings that the monad could not express. His joy reflected upon the darkness created a power that would one day become known as magic. It was the culmination of all creation, the light reflected upon the darkness. A beautiful child of the monad and the dyad. As was their nature they allowed their children to do as they saw fit with it. So to make it their own they fused it with their lies and birthed corruption which would take all things and make them its own. This corruption overtook all of creation and the monad and the dyad were forced to act. Those who had been given the power to create were stripped of it and cast into the abyss. The stained garden was washed clean and the humans were given a second chance. One they would squander.

Amongst the humans was a young boy gifted with sight of the unknown. He saw the creation of all things, though he was counciled to believe they were the end, but all ends have many possibilities, but he being young in age and wisdom could not see this, and those who could not see could not tell him the truth, only what they believed to be true. This formed his life and passion, making him a pietous child and man. So much so that even the earthly "gods" sought his counsel when dealing with human affairs. This one they called Hermes Primus, for he was first of his kind and first to be given sight of the unseen. When the boy had reached around the age of 30 or so, the Monad sent some of those called angels to take him across the world and show him all aspects of creation. Teach him the ways of the order so that he may become the order. These angels took the young man all over showing him the wonders of creation and their mechanisms, of which he was instructed to take note of. Amongst these notes most were simple love letters to the lord he was taught to worship and reverse since he was young. He was raised on rituals and rites and saw them as more important than that of the world around him. He made note of what his mind could focus on, and the rest poetry about the greatness, of the Monad, whom he called God. And his God allowed this because it too was creation, even if it had effects unseen. The dyad is as great as the monad, because they are one, and all that come from her come from him.

As the youth sat upon the throne of order, issuing commands that would guide the path of creation he made rite and ritual law of the land. The knowledge that allowed them to tame magic changed into hocus pocus, and prayer. Beautiful in their own nature, but no more powerful than the belief behind them. Seeing where the youth was blind Demiurgos and its ilk took up residence where the eyes of the throne could not see. It took responsibility of magic, and stole all that power for its self and the people called this the Devil. The Devil was the first of the gods to be given a purpose, a direction, a reason to be. It was the first of the gods to be given a name. It was called the Demiurgos, the god of the material world, the god of the physical world, the god of the world of form. For without it nothing else could be. The pride of creation and father of all evil.

The two sides struggle for supremacy, taking ages that time left behind. In their conflict the worship of the Dyad, of the Asherah became seen as akin to worship of the Devil and his evil. The youth was forced to choose between the two, and he chose the Monad. He chose the Monad because he was blind to the Dyad, and the Dyad was blind to him. He chose the Monad because he was blind to the Demiurgos, and the Demiurgos was blind to him. He did only as he knew and ordered all that followed him to wipe her memory from the earth, and from that he birthed forgetfulness. Since it was all the things forgotten it went where things were unseen, where no one remembers it, until they can't remember what they forgot.

It was in this forgotten place that the enraged Asherah locked away the magic of the world, and the magic of the world locked away the Asherah, because they were one and it was her light, without her light, the mother of sleep, must remain that way. What was left behind was an image, a reflection, called the Shekinah. This held up creation but it did not have her soul, it did not have her light, it did not have her power. It was a shadow of her, and it was a shadow of the Monad. The light that exist only in the shadow.

Without the dyad the Monad was not whole. He was forced to be both 1 and 2, here and not here, there, and nowhere. He was not the dyad, but he was the dyad. He was the Monad, but he was not the Monad. He was the Monad, and he was not the Monad. And so order was not order, and therefore it was chaos upon all. The throne without an eye, the devil lost the power of his lie. All things stood still above and below and the world was left to rot.

Many youths came and went, but none had more power than the second child of the Monad. This child would offer absolution and redemption. A new dyad to take place of the old. This youth had a different plan. Another would come and take its place. There is always another solution, so let me offer this instead. A lighter path, one more direct to the Monad. One that does not require the Dyad, or the Demiurgos. One that does not require the Devil, or the Shekinah. One that does not require the Asherah, or the Monad. Let it be as simple to reach that which is above as it is below and I promise there will be another Dyad. The Monad allowed it, not because it was right, but because its child had offered a solution, a new creation. That was more important than a plan that had failed. A simple solution greater than the complex. XY == X/Y

[vivamlc]

Abraxas

I am not the father, I am the body he left behind...

I am the fluid that shields the mind...

I am the void that never hungers...

I am the world that exist between sleep...

I am the one who dreams...

He that hears your internal screams...

I am endless turmoil for peace...

I am the who no longer sleeps...