mirrors.
sometimes i go a lot of days without really looking in a mirror. i’ll catch my eyes as i walk by, but look away quickly and frantic. the same impulsive downcast eye move i utilize when i catch the eye of another person. the terror of connection. scared of what i’ll see in their eyes, but also what they’ll see in mine. that’s my most common method of mirror looking. quick, furtive glances at my shitty self.
but some days i stand in front of a mirror, and stare. i stare, frozen, at my own face, and try not moving as much as possible. the longer i stare, and the stiller i become, the more i feel actually frozen. after a minute or so, i’ll feel an obligation--or actually, more of a force beyond myself, keeping me still. feeling paralyzed by my reflective gaze. self-judgements rushing through and past my thoughts, until i’m empty and nothing, staring at someone else. someone i recognize less, the more i look. it’s a self-hypnosis i can’t generate, but that comes over me without warning.
