#bliev

[bridgeoverriverqueer]

Ex Why Zzzzz

I'm now on good terms with one of my exs out of a lot. That's really not a good ratio. I guess I'm pretty easy to hate. But i mean, if I'm this easy to hate i don't know why my exs dated me in the first place. Must've been for my tits.I get really frustrated though when my exs are so mean. Cuz I want to confront things that need to be confronted, and I can't deal with people pushing things under the rug. Also, I don't understand why somebody would stop caring about me so quickly. That's so rude. (Almost as rude as when they don't answer their phones). I never want exs too close after the split, but being on good terms isn't a bad thing. I'm just really bored of having someone who acts like sunshine, then the sunbeams turn to hellfire the next week. 

But it's really hard for me to act like I didn't ever care about my exs, and that I don't want them as friends in my life because I genuinely care about their happiness and I enjoy their company.(at least a few of my exs) But they sure as fuck don't want me in their lives. goddamn.

I think it just really bothers me when people walk out of my life. Especially cuz it feels like a lot of people now and that makes me feel alone and lonely. I don't really know who to text/call/talk to when I'm sad at college. Which is pretty frequently cuz things are rough. I can't even talk to my cats in college, and they're nicer to me and less volatile than my exs. 

Cuz after tonight I'm just thinking that it's got to be me. I'm clearly really selfish and bitchy and bad at personal relationships. I've got to stop blaming my exs ( i am still wondering how they did put up with me) and try to be better. Better at life or something. Cuz I truly care about all of my friends a lot and I guess i don't know if they really believe that. I want to try to show them that I want to be a good friend and that their happiness is actually really important to me.

[bridgeoverriverqueer]

Boys are sulky.

Long story short, my best friend at college liked me (even after i spent two or three months repeatedly saying "i don't like you, i never will." and him never actually stating that he liked me) and now I'm dating his roommate (who i was also friends with) and now ex-friend is not speaking to either of us. 

Instead of speaking to us or trying to be civil, he constantly does little inconsiderate things to piss me off. Which usually doesn't work cuz I'm pretty oblivious as is. But every time I sleep over here, ex-friend wakes up at 5 (cuz he's insane) and plays the same goddamn song for 3-6 hours straight, and keeps the room door open. Which really really makes me uncomfortable because the guys on this floor gossip so much, like they're kinda mean (at least some of them). And they've definitely gossiped about me before so it makes me very uncomfortable when they walk in to talk to ex-friend about homework and see me and my boyfriend sleep cuddling and me not wearing pants.

cuz okay I never wear pants, and I usually don't care who sees that, but anything i do on this floor that is the slightest bit provocative is like "she's a ho" like they've already thought i was fucking like 4 different guys. And newsflash, I haven't been fucking anyone. If I was fucking someone on this floor, you would hear me down the goddamn hall. I'm just saying.

Plus like, I'm fucking sleeping. I don't really want to be on display when I'm sleeping. Anyways, plus the music he plays is really really shitty and yesterday omgosh yesterday! I was fucking going on a feels trip with Monsters Inc and my boyfriend had left for class and ex-friend, without saying a WORD to me, comes over and turns the tv volume down by 40 decibels. and I said, really sincerely, "oh i'm sorry, you could've just asked me to turn it down it's not a problem." and he continues to turn it down without looking at me and then goes and turns his music up really loud.

really fucker? how fucking dare you try to come between me and Mike Wazowski. how very dare you.

I know these are very small incidents and I shouldn't be so angry. But i'm very angry because I can't stand when people aren't confrontational but still act shitty about it. If you're going to refuse to acknowledge the problem/try to work it out with me then don't be a fucking child about it. This whole situation is just making me very uncomfortable and kind of upset. Or maybe it's that I had an 8 page paper due yesterday and I haven't started it yet. That might be it...

[bridgeoverriverqueer]

To the nearest park, kissed in the dark,

"We rode our bikes to the nearest park Sat under the swings and kissed in the dark We shield our eyes from the police lights We run away, but we don't know why Black river, your city lights shine They're screaming at us, we don't need your kind Sometimes I wonder if the world's so small That we can never get away from the sprawl Living in the sprawl Dead shopping malls rise like mountains beyond mountains And there's no end in sight I need the darkness, someone please cut the lights"

- "Sprawl II",Arcade Fire

This is my favorite song and it describes my night perfectly. The rain is lovely, I'm happy, and you're really cute when you look at me that way.