I Babbled on my Personal Blog:
I can’t think. I can’t think. I can’t think!
Thusly, I’ll be using this as a journal, since Sir Michael is readier than a pen, to spew all these thoughts cluttering my brain. You’ll be surprised, I promise.
There’s this personality type called INTJ (google it) and so far I’m pretty sure that I am one- simply more balanced since the “personality type” is made up of generalities and no one is their label.
The interesting issue with this is that my brain rarely shuts off and when it does I become a bother to live with- full of despair and melodrama- because I get so damn bored. I like having a constantly-running brain, it’s fun, and it allows me to enjoy small things like flowers or atomic residue. It also deprives me (this may very well apply only to me and not other INTJs- I don’t know for sure because I don’t know any other INTJs) of … how to phrase this? I don’t understand sexual intimacy with other people. Even something as simple as kissing- it just doesn’t seem to want to work with me.
I’ve kissed people and from what I hear, it’s supposed to be nice but I have no experience to back that up. Part of it is that I don’t stop thinking- not anxious things but observations something like “Oh, teeth- canines! Nice- tongues have an interesting texture- what happens if I do this? Interesting. I’ll do it again later. Hands- hello- what’s that doing there? Okay, they like having their neck touched- I can work with this. Multitasking is fun. Saliva feels funny and tastes like copper- why is that?”
Now, my experience with the human mind is limited- I have only my own to go on, after all, and I’m pretty sure I’m not normal- but I really don’t believe that that’s what one is supposed to be thinking about when kissing someone. Granted I don’t know what else I ought to be thinking about such things but, again, something tells me that the above isn’t it. Part of the problem is that it can get boring- recall that my brain on boredom is a wearisome thing- because, well, it’s all the bloody same! Which sucks because I get the feeling that I’m missing out on a fundamentally important aspect of the human experience by not being able to enjoy kissing somebody!
This doesn’t mean that I dislike, say, cuddling or hugs or holding hands. I love those things. They aren’t boring or intellectually stimulating- they just feel nice. But when cuddling I tend to keep up with the observations because I am not often an idle cuddler- I like to pet people or play with their hair while they lay on me. Often times the reason is as simple as finding some texture on their person interesting or pleasant and wanting to feel it repeatedly. Other times it’s to find out what’s acceptable so that I can continue to get that nice texture or perhaps a nice reaction, such as the other person relaxing after a hard day.
(I think I think too much but there isn’t a damn thing anyone can do about that- the public school system has sure tried.)
This leads me to sex. I can’t really enjoy kissing so I don’t see the point of sex. (Maybe I’m doing something wrong with the kissing thing? Or maybe I’ve never met a good kisser? I honestly don’t know. However I’ve been told I’m a good kisser which is very, very odd as far as I’m concerned, considering the incredibly limited experience factor.) Sex, as I’m told, is lovely. Also, everyone who’s ever had one can agree that orgasms rock (I agree with the world on that one). The sex part makes no sense to me- like kissing it doesn’t click. Too much thinking and disappointment in practice, I’d guess.
Sex would involve so much more thought than kissing would. And, most likely, more multitasking. It’s always interesting to see what kind of reactions I can get out of another person (in any situation, really) but I don’t find the idea personally enjoyable. I don’t think that’s selfish, either, because everything I’ve read has told me that sex ought to be mutually enjoyable.
Society makes a big deal about how intimate sex is supposed to be… but I can get that from looking at someone. Mind you, I have to actually care enough to see them, but it’s a simple matter of observation over time and, hopefully, lots of talking and cuddling, too (but that isn’t necessary if it is unwanted).
Put a different way- paying full attention to someone and talking with them about things ranging from lighthearted to heart-wrenching is for me like the emotional output and trust displayed through sexual of some sort activity among other people. The cuddling or hugs or other form of affection that comes after that conversation is the emotional validation and affirmation of mutual affection. Just like with sex, some form of affection afterward (be it cuddling or getting tea or basking in mutual silence and bliss) shows that this level of emotion is accepted, welcomed, and respected. It’s a display of reciprocation and stability and trust.
On a side note, I hypothesize that this is why people in films who are having a fling tend to smoke after sex. They are not attached to each other so the nicotine fills that gap in validation for them.
Almost 1,000 words. I think I expected that.
