2008: Two no’s.
Let me tell you a story. It’s not a particularly happy one but it is one that’s been on my mind lately. I’ve only told this a handful of times before but I think typing it out might help put a bit of it into perspective. It’s my story of consent and why I will probably never date anyone who pursues me first again. More importantly why I have such a hard time trusting anyone who returns to your life after and absence.
The year is 2008, I’m a junior in college and it’s been four years since my last relationship and over a year at this point from the last time I talked to that previous significant other. To put this into some ridiculous context the last conversation I had with them was over AIM and it was not pretty. I was just starting to drink then and got in over my head and ranted to them about how it had taken a while but I was finally over them. The words I used I’m sure were more harsh because after all I was drunk and 20 and stupid like most college students.
The ex-themselves isn’t important to the plot, heck most of my friends then or now barely acknowledge that relationship even happened and that is fair, I’ve never been great at reciprocating love properly. What is important is she had been the one to make the first move and since the breakup I’d only become more lonely and felt more unlovable.
The secondary factor in this loneliness was my best friend and the unrequited amotions I felt for her, a factor that has repeated itself within my story several times. I’m a very clingy friend and historically I misinterpret feelings of platonic love for more, a condition I’ve tried to rid myself of but at the end of the day I am who I am.With this loneliness at play and the feeling that at the time all of my closest friends were too busy with school and relationships to devote any time to me a friend from high school reappeared in my life seemingly from left field. She was a Sarah of course because there always seems to be one at play in my story and she was having more and more troubles with her boyfriend of seven years.
I did what I could to listen and give advice but eventually the inevitable happened and they broke up. I should have been more attentive and realized how mentally fragile they were at the time but I was more focused on school and failed romantic pursuits on my end. So when they had a breakdown and called me up duringn which I talked them down from some intense lost in the hills of Oakland driving I didn’t really think twice about it. I was just a friend helping an old acquaintance that needed to be talked down.
After this we started to spend time together, platonically of course as I had no interest in rebounding on to an old friend. Valentine’s Day rolled around and I made plans with friends to go to the giant pillow fight in the city because I love big events and spending time with people, she tagged along. As I stated earlier this was when I was first drinking and after the event a group of us went back to my dorm room. At first I decided I wouldn’t drink putting on Peter Pan because I am a literal child. About an hour in my friend Matt teased me about not drinking, the last thing I remember is lifting a bottle of vodka and chugging. This was the first and only time I have ever blacked out.
I woke up on the couch, Peter Pan was still playing so I assumed not much time had gone past. To my surprise when I looked out the curtain it was broad daylight, likely around 10 in the morning. This was how I found out disney DvDs loop infinitely. My friend Matt filled me in on the evening in a call soon after. I had had too much to drink and vomited excessively that night. Sarah had also participated in a similar amount of drinking and passed out much earlier. She was sleeping in my bed which made sense. I spent the day nursing her hangover and getting brunch for the friends that looked after me the night before. Standard college stuff.
Near the start of March my old high school was going to be putting on a play and as a theater kid it was my duty to support the arts. It was also notably the last musical the kids who were freshman when I was a senior would be putting on which was a big deal. So I made plans to go. My plan was to see the show Friday, stay at home with my parents that night and then see the show again Saturday but from backstage. Sarah found out I was goongnas asked to come along, a little odd as she had never been a theater kid but a little school spirit for one’s alma matar never hurt anyone.
We went to the show and had a good time. Afterwards she offered me a ride back to my dorm room so I wouldn’t have to sleep on a couch at home. Then as now I had no car and uber was only a distant hope in the future. So of course I agreed, getting back to the high school the next night would almost be easier from San Francisco BART than from home.
On the drive back to my dorm Sarah got lost twice and then missed the exit to my college twice. After missing it the second time she suggested I just go sleep in her dorm room with her. I casually agreed. I will never forget the tone with which she said “ cool, that’s just so cool.” I understood the sentiment but the emotion was slightly wrong. Hopeful but lost. I didn’t think much of it as living my car-less life I’d often had to pass out at other people’s dorms.
When we got to her dorm she found her margarita and vodka she had been keeping safe for some reason and started drinking. She told me that I couldn’t let her drink alone. I said sure and she repeated the cool line. This time it was a little more haunting but I just assumed she was drinking to help get over the breakup. As a good friend I felt I had to help with the process.
An hour later it was time to sleep. Her dorm was tiny so I set myself up with a blanket and pillow on the floor. Once I was comfortable she asked if I was sure I didn’t just want to share the bed, there was plenty of room. Drunk as I was this seemed like a fine deal. I always prefer beds to the ground and in the years that followed beds would be a luxury I never knew I’d miss so much so I agreed.
Warning here as for the next paragraph or so the story get less positive. A few minutes into trying to sleep I felt her try to snuggle up to me so I pushed away, she persisted for a while before trying to kiss me. I said no clearly the first time. The second time I stopped her and told her no. The third time I can only assume the alcohol had hit my system a bit stronger than it had before and I let her kiss me. In my mind I thought, if I let her kiss me I can go to sleep once she’s done. Things escalated quickly, I tried several times to stop things but she was fairly forceful and I have an image need to have people like me. The short version is I do not believe I constented to the events that happened but everything happened so quickly it was a blur I barely remember.
That morning I remember waking up to the words “I didn’t think this would happen so quickly” within the hour I was convinced that we were dating now which while not ideal seemed fine. Like my friend was still suffering and spending time with her was probably a plus to get her through that. The thought that I had been lured, coerced, and used barely occurred to me as the night was such a blur to begin with.
I spent the rest of the day trying to gather my thoughts. I had no actual attraction towards my friend but wasn’t it best for her that I go along with what she wanted? These thoughts were still swimming in my head that night when I crashed the theater afterparty for my old high school. It was weird, for the first time since graduating high school being back felt wrong. One thing of note did happen that night though, as I was greeting my friend Weasel, a person I’d never have guessed would be as important to my life as they are a voice in the background called their name. It’s always a bit weird when people in older generations talk about entering a room and seeing someone and thinking “that’s the girl I’m going to marry.” But I can say with honesty I’ve had that feeling thrice in life. This one in 2008 was the second most recent. I still perfectly remember this girl with a tuft of hair pushed into her face by her black cap worn backwards, most likely stolen from the crew head. Her thick glasses reflecting the light just right obscuring for a moment the black heart drawn on her cheek. I felt guilty of course, I had just gotten myself into a relationship what seemed like hours ago and suddenly I’d met this radiant person that to this day continues to be an on again off again fixture for my unrequited feelings. Years later I would mention that I almost asked for her number that night, she said she would have given it to me and honestly I’ve never known what to do with that information. It would be weeks before we became friends. Just past what would become the longest March of my life.
The next two weeks were uneventful at the time but in retrospect riddled with red flags. My ex was very sexually aggressive and anyone who has known me for any length of time will know I am not the target audience for such advances. The most iconic of these moments occurred one weekend while I had friends over to play smash brothers. In the middle of a match she got bored sat in my lap and attempted to make out with me in the most awkward display of public affection I have ever been a part of. Needless to say everyone in the room was embarrassed to some degree.
Everything came to a head on the weekend of my birthday that year. Ever since I was little I’ve been obsessed with Saint Patrick’s day as it often falls around my birthday so that year I decided to throw myself a Saint Patty’s themed birthday. I bought two giant chunks of corned beef to make, tons of cabbage, chocolate coins, and decorations galore. It was going to be a good time.
The night before the party I stayed over at her dorm. This was three weeks in and honestly I was feeling wrong. So I brought up the issue at hand namely the fact I thought the rebound was unhealthy and that we worked better as friends. She cried and I had the most awkward conversation I’ve ever had with a naked person. Between tears she pleaded that sex was the only thing she ever enjoyed. She claimed to have several maxed out credit cards and to her it seemed like having sex was the only viable solution to those troubles. This escalated to her stating she should become a prostitute because it would fix all her problems. These call outs were likely in reference to the fact that after that awkward first night I was more firm with my no’s to anything escalating sex wise which honestly is one of my few proud memories of this time period.
I eventually calmed her down though I don’t think she heard anything I said. By the end she convinced herself that I had meant we should just be friends with benefits because I didn’t have time for a commitment. She was pleased because that “sounds sexier” and would give her a free card to sleep around. I tried to correct her but she went to shower leaving me alone with my thoughts for a few moments. At the time I couldn’t even remember how I ended up in the situation.
I arrived at the party location pretty early in the morning. I spent the day decorating and cooking with my best friend which was nice as I felt I hadn’t seen her in weeks. When the food was done I went and relaxed telling everyone to serve themselves as there was plenty for everyone. My ex insisted on getting me a plate. She brought me a sliver of corned beef on a plate full of cabbage. When I got through the crowd the rest of the corned beef was gone. Most of the rest of the party was uneventful except for one moment where my ex was bragging about how the only real way to chase vodka was with Guinness. I slept on the couch that night giving my ex my bed.
Early the next morning I went to the party location to clean up. My ex came with me. When we had finished my friend who hosted my birthday wanted to play a game of magic with me so we set a game up on the floor. My ex feeling bored and ignored decided to roll over the cards as we tried to play. That’s the last memory I have of her, just rolling on the floor interrupting a magic card game. Her brother who had gone to the party was there helping clean and offered to drive her home. I basically cut her off cold turkey after that for my own health but it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I’d like to think I learned some valuable lessons from this experience instead of just being broken but that’s up to interpretation. I have not been on a real date since that March meaning that this will make it 10 years since I even kissed a person. Positively I do understand that one should not aggressively pursue a person that has no romantic feelings for you, it does suck a little bit to feel like unrequited and platonic are the only loves I’m capable of. Since that experience I don’t feel complete and I know it’s not anyone’s fault, not really. For years I felt it was my fault for being too nice, for not saying no a third time, for not being stronger.
I know better now, and I also don’t blame my ex, she was going through a lot at the time and needed more professional help and support than I was capable of giving. I’m not saying I forgive her, but I think at least I understand the situation. While I haven’t ever seen her in person again I heard through the grapevine she was married like a year and a half after this whole situation and had a kid right after. It kind of scares me that she has a child but in a way I hope that brought some of the stability she was looking for.
I think I’m doing better now though. While I still haven’t dated anyone the last few years have been an interesting journey for my mindset. Through my 2015 crush and the resulting fallout I realized that I was bisexual which is funny, I could tell you the story of the time my parents tried to kick me out of the house because they thought I was gay in high school, but that is best saved for another time. In 2017 I pursued a medium distance friendship that I thought might lead to something more and while it didn’t I’m still glad I tried.
I still feel vaguely broken, but I’m getting better and that feels less empty which is a good step.