Hiiii
Hello. My name is Jana and I am 15 years old. One of my earliest memories is of my annoyed father because I had asked him too many questions again.But that is not were I wanna start. To veginn with I would like to say my mental health is pretty fucked up and my sisters is even worse. I grew up with a dad that was always fucked up and has a short temper(ge isn't abusive) and a Mom always playing the victim.Let's stared with my Dad. When I was 7 I told my firts Therapist (Therapie due to my adhd) that if my dad was an animal he would be a lion because he always yells at everyone. When I was 19 to 12 he used to take my door out when I slammed it. He always thinks he knowa evrything better and can't maje a mistake vut when we make one it is bad. Sometimes I think he doesn't really want kids. But there are so many beautifull memories so I know he can ve a really great dad. As for my mom it is a bit more complicated. She just kinda likes tonplay the victim so I grew up with sentences like "Am I such a bad mom?"; "This is your Thanks?" or "Why do I derserve this?". Sometime she talks about me to my sister and aboztbdad and my sister to me. Once, whrn I went for a class trip, she told me that I was her anchor, her qiuet. I really love her and think she is a good person but needs to work on her childhood trauma.In my family in general there is a lit of yelling. My parents at me, me at my parents, my parents at my sister, my sister at my parents, my parents at eachother. I don't wanna yell but I just do. I thought my paremts would get a divorce more than 3 times.What is also a problem in my family is food and body images. I rememver beeing a little kid and my parents telling me they could not eat any sweets anymore because they are to fat. I grew up skinny and got alot of compliments for that. Whe n I gained weight due puperty they commenten on that. Not in a mean way but I still started making sports everyday at 14, loosing 5kg and only eating lunch at 15, loosing another 5kg but then I stopped. I saw people with ed's. I don't wanna end up like that, always beeing afraid. So now I eat normal again.But my not so perfect relationship with food is not the only problem I have. I was always "shy" as a kid. That also brought me to therapie once. But with 13 I developed a social anxiety and started hurting myself. I got to therapie, got clean. Got better. Laid of my anxiety. I was fine with 14. But now I am cutting myself again. I don't really like myaelf, sometimes think I am ugly, sometimes hat myself, sometimes convinced I am a bad person. Always feel like I need to ve bedt in school but never enough energy to actually learn. Never actually enough for me...
