angst to fluff ( i was gna make it pure angst but i rmbed how much i love this silly fellah)
You knew, you knew how much he hates clingy people. He hates it when people push him to open up. You knew that so well.
So you never asked him to open up, you kept telling yourself “its fine i will wait for him”.
But it was always you talking, always you starting the conversation and him playing along with it.
You were starting feel sick of hearing your own voice. How could anyone even like listening to me when i cant stand my own words?
It was always the same topics, food, video games and what is the next big adventure.
You look at xyx but you never see him.
He talks but never speaks.
He always manages to somehow make sure the mood is always upbeat, like sadness could never exist when he was around.
You sat on his bed with your head hung sadly. You were starting to feel sick and tired of how everything is going. You wanted more of him but you were afraid you would push him away. When did it became a crime to show him how much you love him? Were you being clingy, annoying or even selfish? These thoughts circled around your brain. You kept trying your best to be the partner he wanted. But do you even know who you are anymore?
As you were swamped with depressive thoughts, he walked in merrily. But stopped in his tracks when he saw you depressed.
“doll, is everything alright?” He asked with concern.
You were so tired of eveything, and this was the type of tired that cannot be cured with a nap. You couldnt even open your mouth to reply, the gravity of your feelings weighed you more than you could imagine.
You managed say silent as a whisper “I can’t do this anymore”.
Xyx eyes widened in surprised and he asked again “What?” in a quiet voice.
You looked at him, feeling terrible so you redacted your statement.
“Sorry, it was nothing.” you say quickly, trying wipe the tiredness of your heart with your hands.
“No it wasnt nothing, you said you cant do this anymore! Are you breaking up with me?” He asked with a slow pain forming in his heart.
“Answer me! Did i do something wrong? What is it?” He asked unable to be wait for your reply.
“I love you xyx” you said quietly and he looked taken back and a little calmer.
“But you put a distance between us, it’s always there. Im holding your hands yet i can feel an invisible wall between us. You push me away and i know you do. Maybe you are not comfortable being open with me or you dont want to take this relationship serious. You want to keep it light hearted. But im tired because i feel like im clingy and selfish if i ask more of you. I want to love you more but i always fear my love is suffocating. I know i can be too much, sometimes i wish i can have distance from myself too” You reply with your eyes looking to the floor. This was terribly difficult for you to admit, your insecurities to the person you love the most. You wanted to show your good sides, the best version of yourself.
Upon hearing you speak, xyx felt heart shatter. Thunderstorms brewed in his head. How could he have let you feel this way? Did he say you were clingy? How could his lover think that their love was suffocating? If anything it felt like warm fire engulfing them in a cold night. He sat next you quietly and pulled you into a hug.
“I’m sorry, my love.” With that sentence alone was enough to set you into a sobbing mess. You hugged him back and held his shirt tightly. You didnt want him to leave, not ever.
“I tried- i tried so hard so you would keeping being in love me, but i dont even know who i am anymore” You say in between sobs. He looked into your eyes wiping your tears.
“There, there. I know, i know you try harder than anyone for me. Im sorry i left you feeling like you werent enough. That you think it would be clingy for you to ask me to talk more about myself or that you thought i was playing with you. I am so sorry, doll. I just wanted you to be happy when you were around me so i kept pushing off the more serious matters. I didnt want you to feel sad about my past. I love you enough to be vulnerable with you. I love you more than that too. It was a terrible habit of mine and it made you feel inadequate. I am sorry.” He said sincerly.
“Tell me if you had a bad day, ask me to be there for you. Dont take it all on your own. I dont care if your ‘ruining the moment’ or whatever. If you are sad, i want to know. I feel terrible knowing i was happy when you werent. I want to be there for you” You say with the words getting all choked up in your throat.
“I know, i know doll. I’m sorry, I’ll do better from now. But i could tell you the same thing, please dont try to be perfect for me. You can show me who you are and i will still love you. Love is a choice and i would choose you a million times, no wait a trillion? what was the largest number again? zillionth times.” He says with a chuckle. His joke earned a smile from you.
“What I’m trying to say is, if you want more of me, i will give you more. But you should give me more of you too. I want you to tell me before you get tired like this, okay doll?” He says quietly, looking into your eyes with adoration and warmth.
“Yes” You say before falling into his chest and hugging him back. He thinks you’re adorable when you shy away from his eyes.
author’s note ; angst! :D anyways I’ve decided to keep adding onion and june from here on forward! Onion purely out of obligation, but June because I adore her. I want more june content— send all june content my way! I love her more than anything <3 enjoy the angst! :)
NIGHTOWL —
— Nightowl smiles softly at your messages of encouragement in your private channel. He responds with his usual cheery gratitude before letting out a soft sigh. You were always so kind to him— to everyone in the server. He liked you and had for a long time. He looked forward to every call, every text, every photo that you’d send his way. He was head over heels for you, but would you really ever pick someone like him? Would you ever love someone like him?
— After all, he had quite the possessive streak. He was the jealous type— not to mention clingy, overly affectionate— and he wasn’t some fancy STEM major like some of the other server members were. He was far from perfect. He wanted to be someone you deserved— wanted to be someone you’d give your attention to, but alas, he was almost certain that you didn’t like him. You saw him platonically. It’d never shift into the affection he wanted it to be.
— He put his head down as he set his status to offline. They were having a group call— you’d be there, but he didn’t want to be dragged into it. Not tonight— he couldn’t. He knew that those ugly feelings of jealousy would return. He’d see you smile at the others, show them the same care you showed him, all while he had to wait and wonder what it’d be like to be yours. He felt tears well up, not out of sadness, but frustration. Why couldn’t he just tell you? At least if he got rejected— maybe he could move on.
— If he heard it from you himself that he didn’t have a chance, it’d be painful. But at least he could stop entertaining the possibility— finally stop wishful thinking, mindlessly hoping that one day you’d be his. But as far as he was concerned, he was far too anxious to ever directly say that he liked you. Scared of the rejection he might face— scared to face the potential reality of you not feeling the same for him.
— He hoped that you’d understand his advances— pleaded that the flirting and compliments and pet names would get through to you. Maybe he’d get lucky and you would reciprocate— return the flirting and the pet names— give him the confidence he needed to confess to you. Because in a world where you did return his teasing and hapless flirting, he’d be more confident that you liked him and wanted to be with him— he’d feel it mutually between you both.
— But that was but a distant daydream. He couldn’t even begin to fathom a guess as to how he’d ever manage to get over you. You treated him like a friend. Just a friend. The tears continued to slip as he groaned out of pure frustration, wanting so badly for someone to tell him he was gonna be okay. Usually that person was you, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask for your support. Not when it was you he’d be talking about. Not when it’s you he’s desperately pining after.
— He has to settle with accepting the fact that you’ll never love him. And that he may never be able to bring himself to confess to you. The thought alone makes him wanna break— but for the time being, there wasn’t much he could do.
— If only Nightowl could see. If only he could’ve seen the way your face fell when you joined the call only to find him absent. If only he realized that you’d only wanted to join in order to spend time with him. Perhaps if he saw the way your smile fell in his absence, the questions you asked regarding where he was and if he was okay— maybe then he’d know. He’d know that you loved him just as much as he loved you.
— You just didn’t know how to express that to him.
QUEST —
— Quest glanced at your icon, still offline. It wasn’t a shock or anything considering that you were working, but he so desperately wanted you to come online. You always brightened up his day every time you both talked and he always found himself like this. Waiting for you to come online so he could talk to you— ask you about your day, get your mind off of your many stresses of daily life. You always expressed so much appreciation to him for his help in comforting you, but he was more than happy to do so.
— He loved you and if his conversation, presence and company could help you destress— he’d drop everything in a heartbeat, fly out and spend an entire day with you if he could. But he never told you. Not yet, at least. He wasn’t entirely sure how you felt about him. For the most part, you’ve shown him kindness, always remained non-judgmental of others, and did everything you could to reciprocate the support he gave so freely to you.
— But you were like that with everyone. Your messages to all of your friends in the server were punctuated with hearts, filled with compliments and support. Was he special? Did you do something differently with him that you didn’t do with anyone else? If you did, he never noticed. Besides, what reason did you have to like him? He wasn’t exactly the best role model. He was an ex-felon, working some dead-end job. He didn’t have much of a social life outside of the server and if he wasn’t moderating the server or on call with you, he was working his ass off.
— What did he bring to the table that’d make him attractive in your eyes? You were genuine— a responsible, intelligent, loving and admirable person that deserved the absolute best. Could Quest really be that for you…? He highly doubted it. Usually he’d go for what he wanted— just directly say to you that he loved you and wanted to be with you— but he was afraid. What if he lost you?
— He already had something so special with you. An intimate bond— a close friendship. Was it really worth risking just to see if his romantic attraction was reciprocated? Would you really give him the time of day or even consider him as a partner? He had no clue. He wanted to keep a positive mindset and tell himself that it would be worth it— that any response would be better than never knowing if you felt the same. Anything would be better than finding out he had a chance, but didn’t take it. But he couldn’t. He typed it out countless times, but never quite got the courage to hit the send button. In every call with you— the words got caught in his throat. He just couldn’t.
— He knew that he’d eventually have to accept that he couldn’t confess. He couldn’t be with you. You didn’t feel the same adoration he did. One day he’d have to grow to be okay with that fact. No matter how much it hurt— no matter how much he wanted you to be his angel, as long as he couldn’t say the words, it’d never happen. With a sigh, he went offline. He didn’t want to think about it— he wanted to think of anything else.
— What he didn’t realize was that on your side of the screen, your face had fallen seeing him go offline just as you had gone online. You had been planning to ask him to call— a confession written on paper that you had been rehearsing for what felt like forever. You were finally going to tell him how much you adored his kindness and gentle nature— but he went offline before you could even ask. You sighed and folded up the paper.
— Oh well. Maybe it was a sign. The universe telling you that it wasn’t a good idea— wasn’t reciprocated. That wouldn’t stop you. Hopefully tomorrow would be better. Hopefully, you’d be able to tell Quest what you’ve been feeling for so long. And maybe if you were lucky, he’d accept with that same, warm smile you were so used to.
XYX —
— Xyx gave a small smirk and made a quiet comment before leaving the call with you. He let his facade fall and sighed, leaning back in his chair and covering his face. Did you notice him staring at you through the camera? Did you see the slight flush of his cheeks when you complimented him? Did you realize that he spent the entire call biting his tongue— holding back from letting all of his emotions spill?
— Next time, he told himself, next call— he’d definitely tell you how he felt. He’d sweep you off your feet and his desperate pining would be history. At least, that’s what he hoped for. That’s what he’d been longing for.
— He moved his hands from his face as he felt a familiar, fluffy weight in his lap and he looked at Cat. Their tail swished behind them, watching Xyx carefully as if they knew that he’d, once again, backed out from confessing to you. He rolled his eyes lightly and smiled.
— “Don’t look at me like that! I’ll… I’ll tell them soon. I swear it, Cat. I just…” He trailed off, a distant look in his eyes. The same question had been ringing in his mind for… who knows how long now. Since he first started liking you, maybe? The question of if you even felt the same or not. Yes, he could flirt all he wanted— keep up a suave disposition, but when it came to actually sitting down and talking to you about his deepest, genuine affections that he held for you? That was an entirely different story.
— You were the first person he opened up to. The first that he shared his intimate, dark thoughts with. You were the first one that he could truly be himself around. He could be upset, happy, pissed, depressed— it didn’t matter. You’d be there with a smile on your face, ready to listen, support, distract— whatever Xyx needed. He felt it was only natural that he fell in love with you. You were incredibly thoughtful and non-judgmental. He felt comfortable around you. He felt like he could be himself in your presence.
— He’d been planning on confessing for what felt like weeks now— but every time he came close, your eyes would meet through the screen and he’d slip up— letting out some last minute joke instead of the confession he wanted so desperately to give. He just couldn’t. Because what if you didn’t feel the same about him? What if the feeling wasn’t even the slightest bit mutual and you only viewed him in a platonic light?
— The thought terrified him because he cared so much for you. He knew that there was a chance you felt the same, but he couldn’t ignore the possibility of you feeling otherwise. He always flirted, but you simply flustered and brushed it off. You never reciprocated his flirtatious comments. Sure, you gave compliments of your own— but they were always sincere. Ones that made him stutter over his words— made heat rush to his face and always put a sheepish, slightly embarrassed smile on his face. But you complimented everyone. You gave your support and affections to the whole server— so what made him different from anyone else?
— It only fueled his fear that you didn’t like him back, which only caused him to further postpone his confession. He kept giving himself excuses— but he had no idea who he was trying to satisfy with his empty encouragement and sorry excuses. No one else heard them but himself, but perhaps he was just trying to convince himself that he wasn’t in an endless cycle of never confessing. He wanted to believe that yes— today wasn’t the right day, but he would do it. One day he would say exactly how he felt— tell you how much he wanted to kiss you, wanting to fly out and meet you just for that reason.
— But he knew it was circumstantial in nature. In truth, he’d made no progress these past few weeks— not any closer to a confession than he was before. He rested his head in his hands and sighed. Maybe he should just give up— he wasn’t the best choice in partner. He was an adrenaline junkie who sought a distraction the moment things got difficult. Someone who struggled to discuss his emotions— a person that built up the tallest walls to protect himself. You deserved better than that. That’s what he thought.
— Nevertheless, he’d still have to be honest with you one day. That way at least the rejection could be over with and he could accept that you’d never be anything more than a friend, even if he so badly wanted to be by your side.
— Little did he know, however, that you went straight into your private channel with Toasty after the call with Xyx— heading into a call with him and letting out another long sigh.
— “Let me guess, you chickened out again?” Toasty muttered and your face flushed and you nodded.
— “I’ll tell him one day! I just… feel like he’s hiding something from me, so I’m hesitant. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same, yknow? Xyx isn’t the easiest to read. Even over call.” You muttered. Besides. He was attractive beyond belief and had quite the way with words. He could have anything he wanted and more. Sure, you cared for him and supported him— but you were probably nothing more than a friend to him.
— Right?
NAKEDTOASTER —
— Toasty gave a small smile, waving quietly at you as you leave his apartment, your things in tow. Another night spent together. He let out a long sigh as his face flushed— how could you call him cute and compliment his voice so casually? Did you have any idea just how much of an effect you had on him? He adored you. Some days he wondered how he hung out with you in a daily basis and kept it together— not breaking down completely in a furious blush. How had he not just lamented and told you just how much he loved you? How much he wanted to be yours.
— He’d fallen faster than he realized— not intending to fall in love, but somehow managing to without even noticing. It started rather simply. You two met up once the server censors had lightened. You had shown genuine interest in FFVIX and even started playing without needing Toasty to bother you about it constantly. You both started calling pretty frequently after that, and soon enough, it evolved into you coming over to his apartment so you could raid together.
— Some days, he just sat and rambled instead. Surprising to some, but not to you, that he just wanted to just talk as opposed to playing Final Fantasy. You both just sat together in his office as he talked your ear off about his troubles, nerves, bloonini— anything that interests him. Because he knows you’ll listen, regardless of the topic. If he needs comfort, however, you’ll both sit on his bed instead.
— You’re affectionate with close friends, so he would ask you to play with his hair— braid it, run your fingers through it, while he ranted about whatever troubled him that day. He finds a comfort in your warmth, feeling his previous stresses melt away at your touch. The first time you offered platonic physical affection to comfort him— that’s when he realized just how far he’d fallen for you. He’d been humming in content at the touch, glanced up at you and saw how you looked at him— and his face flushed. You worried, asking if he felt feverish— but he brushed it off. All that had happened was that he finally realized that he adored you. They wanted to be with you. Toasty wished he could be yours.
— However, he wasn’t the best when it came to picking up on how other people felt, so he had no idea how you felt towards him. He knew you were affectionate with all of your friends, supportive of all of the server members— was he special in any way? Did you reserve those soft expressions for all of your friends, or was it just him? He hoped that was the case. That those expressions were meant for him alone— meant only to express your own adoration for him. But he couldn’t get his hopes up— because in all honesty, he didn’t know. And that scared him.
— He so badly wanted to confess to you— return the compliments, tell you that he loved you. But he didn’t want to lose the bond you both had already— he didn’t want to make things awkward, or get the wrong idea and see something that wasn’t there. He wanted it to be mutual, though. He desperately wanted it to be. You were one of the few people to show genuine interest in his passions— listened to him rant— showed him complete honesty— and you were incredibly caring and supportive of him.
— Even so, he found it hard to believe that you’d ever like him. You were charming, attractive— you could find a much more suitable partner. One that didn’t stay up into the late hours of the night on some video game— one that didn’t call you in the early hours of dawn, asking you to come over and support them— one that could give you the attention you deserved. Toasty was often busy. He didn’t always have time to spend with you, but he tried his best. He just… felt like his best wasn’t enough. Perhaps you’d only ever see him as a close friend. Maybe you’d find someone more nurturing who’d make plenty of time for you— but it probably wouldn’t be him.
— He let out a soft sigh, glancing over at his computer monitor at the countless server messages and the pings from his friends. He logged off of the server before his eyes drifted to the gift he’d gotten you. He shoved it in one of his desk drawers before deciding to play FFXIV to distract himself from everything.
— He didn’t want to think about the fact that you’d probably find someone else. He didn’t want to address that one day, you wouldn’t come over and comfort him at the early hours of the morning— one day, you’d find someone to love. A life partner. And it wouldn’t be him. It wouldn’t be him even if he wanted it to be so badly.
— However, little did Toasty know that all of the pings— the messages in the server— would’ve told him exactly what he wanted to hear sooner. You had accidentally let it spill to Xyx that you were in love with Toasty, and the server troll decided to let that information loose in the general chat. Attempts to get Toasty online to read the conversation were fruitless and you told everyone not to mind it. You loved him, yes, but you never wanted to pressure him into anything.
— You figured that he probably saw the conversation, and just didn’t feel the same. That was fine with you. Even if it hurt, as long as you could support him as his close friend, you were fine if it didn’t evolve into anything more. But you still hoped that maybe you’d get lucky and he’d like you romantically, just how you liked him.
— Oh well. It was nothing but a passing daydream, anyway.
ONIONTHIEF —
— Onion sighed in frustration, hung up after the call he just had with you. You were everything he wanted in a partner. He wanted to be the perfect boyfriend for you— but he couldn’t bring himself to tell you about just how much he adored you. He didn’t know how you felt— how embarrassing would it be if you rejected him completely? If all of the signs he’d been seeing were nothing more than his mind playing tricks on him— just wishful thinking on his part— he’d never be able to face you again. He’d be far too embarrassed and his own pride would be too damaged to recover from something as humiliating as that.
— At the same time, though, what good would come from hiding it? What if he lost you to someone else? He wouldn’t blame anyone else if they had romantic interest in you. You were direct, intelligent, yet still kind-hearted and considerate of others. You let Onion talk about all of the achievements he was proud of— you actually cheered him on. No one else did that for him. Not only that, you never expected absolute perfection from him like everyone else in his life did— expecting nothing but the highest marks and stating that he should never struggle if he was so smart. But you… you never held him to that standard. You never held that sentiment.
— He thought it to be pity at first, but the more he talked to you— the closer you two got— he realized that it wasn’t pity. You never had any doubts in his ability. You knew he could succeed in whatever he set his mind to, but you just knew that even if he never admitted it, he struggled, too. And you thought that was completely okay. Struggling to motivate yourself, having trouble with a topic— getting a not so perfect score— you never judged him for any of it. You supported him, encouraged him— helped him in any way you could. Onion tried to convince himself that it didn’t affect him.
— Sure, you were the most considerate person he’s met. You actually made an effort to get to know him despite the dispositions the rest of the server held towards him. Despite how direct he was, how often he bickered with others and how rude he could come off— you never let that cloud your own personal judgement. You got to know him for yourself— and he tried to tell himself that it wasn’t anything special. He didn’t like you in any other way aside from platonic… right? Oh, who was he kidding? He wasn’t exactly convincing himself. If his rapid heartbeat, slight blush and desire to be by your side was anything to go on, he had been in love with you longer than he’d ever care to admit.
— He wanted to tell you— wanted you to be his. He’d tried on multiple occasions, but he was always immediately discouraged when he saw your kindness throughout the server— showing your warmth to everyone else, including him. Right, of course. He wasn’t special to you. He was just another one of your close friends— just like everyone else.
— It left a bitter taste in his mouth. Was he not enough? Was he too mean? If he was nicer and more welcoming like Nightowl— maybe if he were impartial like Quest, funny like Xyx— or even as successful as Toaster— maybe then you’d give him a chance. Maybe then you’d view him not as a friend, but as a romantic partner?
— He wanted a chance. He wanted to be what you wanted— but he was far too prideful to ask you about anything love related, lest you find out that he feels so much for you. He knew he was smart, had many achievements and successes of his own— but that was all surface level. Could he be the kind, gentle, affectionate partner he thought you wanted— the one he thought you deserved? He was unsure. Sure, he could easily outmatch anyone in intellect (or so he thought), but as much as he hated to admit it, when it came to love?
— Anyone in the server would he a better match for you. Everyone else had more confidence when it came to that. Onion wasn’t the type to get suitors at all— didn’t have people complimenting him or asking him out. People often didn’t look beyond his book smarts— figuring that with his stoic demeanor, that was his only redeemable trait. But you saw past that. You saw the Onion that worked tirelessly to take care of his family— the one who cared so much for those close to him, but didn’t know how to express it. The one who desperately wanted someone to cheer him on and tell him that he was doing good— and that was exactly what you did.
— He didn’t want to lose that. He didn’t want to risk chasing you away with his feelings for you. Even so, would you even believe him if he said something so outlandish as “I love you?” Or would you laugh it off and assume that he’d be mean enough to play some cruel joke on you? He had no idea, and he didn’t intend to find out.
— So what if you fell in love with someone else? He couldn’t let it bother him, lest he let it tear him up from the inside. He’d have to just. Bite his tongue and keep it to himself even if he longed for your company. It was better this way. He couldn’t confess to you unless he was certain he could be the perfect partner. And as far as he could tell, he was the farthest from that standard as he could be. So he’d keep it to himself.
— Little did he know, though. That you were having a conversation with Nightowl and June— the two knew Onion the best out of everyone else and you questioned how you could tell if he liked you— if he’d push you away if you confessed. Would you lose him if he didn’t reciprocate? All questions they tried their best to answer for you— but it was useless.
— You felt entirely helpless, completely head over heels for Onion, but… you couldn’t read him. Sure, he spared you the time of day and was polite to you, let you talk about your own passions— but you assumed it was because you allowed him the space to do the same. You assumed it was merely out of courtesy, not any sort of affection or love for you.
— You sighed, your conversation leaving you with more questions, rather than answers. You glanced at Onion’s icon before deciding that perhaps it was best if you didn’t tell him.
— You couldn’t. You loved him too much to risk losing him to your own frivolous feelings.
//: JUNE —
— June smiles softly as she watches you type in the private channel that you both share. It was created initially for you both to make theories together, but it eventually turned into a little safe haven for you both. You talked bloomic, art, various fanbases— something that she was so glad to share with you. At first, you two were merely friends who wanted to talk strictly bloomic, but as time went on, it evolved into so much more for June.
— You truly got to know her in a way no one else in the server did. You knew of her perfectionist nature, supported her when she was being a harsh self critic— reassured her when she felt incompetent in comparison to others. You always told her that she never needed to compare because she was perfect the way she was. Talented, pretty, smart, compassionate and full of energy. What wasn’t there to like? June never got told those sorts of things much before, so every time you say it. Every word of reassurance— every affirmation makes her blush, stutter over her words and smile. It’s hard for her to be upset in your presence.
— For the most part, at least. It’s nice to get lost in the conversations you have in the private channel— but she has to remind herself that she’s unsure if her affections are mutual. She has to remind herself that you aren’t dating— she isn’t yours. She wasn’t even sure you felt that way— probably only seeing her as a friend. She wants to insist— criticize herself. Her mind screams at her and tells her it’s because she isn’t perfect— she isn’t good enough for you and you deserve so much more than she can give you.
— Yet, she reads back on your old messages, some she’s screenshotted for moments like these. It reminds her that you’ve always been transparent with her in telling her that she’s enough— more than enough for anyone she may have feelings for. She remembered that conversation— having asked you if she’d make a good girlfriend. You assured her that anyone would be lucky to have her. She was kind, creative, and thoughtful. If they couldn’t see that, you’d insist that they were blind. June’s heart filled with warmth at your words, but quickly she returned back to her thoughts.
— Had you known that she was talking about you? The amazing person who knew her for who she was— the one that made her excited to wake up every morning just so they could chat— the one that would make her heart skip a beat when they said her name— did you know it was you who she was referencing? She didn’t know. If you had known, maybe you didn’t feel the same and didn’t want to hurt her? But… if you didn’t know and she had said all that when you had feelings for her… were you deterred? Did you think she was talking about someone else?
— How could she be? No one else willingly delved into her interests, asked for her updates on her art and theories, checked in with her when she’s been gone for a bit, supported her when she was upset— she could go on and on. You’ve been a rock in her life: someone to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a person who she loved so truly and deeply.
— She wanted to tell you— to get it all off her chest, but she couldn’t lose you. You were too special. She wanted to ask for advice again— but how could she? You were the first person she went to to talk about her deeper emotions. Should she take the leap? Should she play it safe? She had so many questions— and no answers. She let out a soft sigh, glancing at your icon once more before typing out that she had to rest for the night, and that whatever you were typing would have to wait until the morning, unfortunately. She apologized before walking over to her bed and laying back, staring up at the ceiling.
— She can’t tell you. If you didn’t feel the same, she’d never be able to handle it. She loved you too much to go through the pain of having to lose you to her own emotions. That didn’t mean she was even a little happy about it, though. She let a few tears slip, glancing the artwork she’d made for you, but kept backing out of giving to you. Her as Xander, you as Lola. The insinuation clear in the pose and the affectionate expressions. It was for the best that she didn’t tell you. At least that was what she tried to tell herself.
— On the other side of the screen, you sighed, wishing June a good night after deleting the confession paragraph you’d been typing out. So much for an impulsive act of courage. You loved her, but you never seemed able to get a chance to tell her that. You were starting to get discouraged at the constant obstacles— logging off and heading to bed.
— You thought of June, how sweet she was and how much you’d grown to adore her. Maybe this was a sign that you should appreciate the friendship instead of seeking something more. Even if it was, it didn’t stop you from wanting so desperately to tell her— to scream to the rooftops that you were in love with June and wanted to ask her to be yours.
— Maybe luck would be on your side tomorrow. Hopefully.
Edit 1: I should toss in a summary, but it’ll be a rough summary. Reader and Toasty have a not very fun argument, and they drift apart for a moment. Though, there is something that manages to help them reconnect, and sometimes space then reconnecting is all you need before you actually solve an issue. TLDR? Accio healthy relationship problem solving and support, but make it realistic. And no dialogue till the end, like how most of my works will be at the moment.
Edit 2: I should add that it does have hurt/comfort elements, but that’s more towards the end. Still feelsy, but a bit optimistic.
Have fun with your tasty Sour Patch Kid dipped in McDonald’s Sprite level pain angst and hurt/comfort fics. I feed you the good stuff.
Imagine xyx just hugging a pilow imagining its mc right after the bad ending
Imagine him falling so fucking hard for mc and it all just went away that one night hes not sure if he regrets it, all he knows is he wishes he couldve spent more time with you
He stares at his wall blanky wishing he couldve met you wishing he couldve hugged you
Gentler than a whisper and softer than familiar love, a laugh danced on the air. It rang in his ears and settled in his bones, hot like blooming affection and all encompassing as such. You’d laughed at something he’d said, as if you’d failed at holding back, the shake of your head full of nothing but exasperation and the heaviest of adorations.
“Aw c’mon, that was a good one, doll, you gotta admit?”
There was no response, instead your eyes washed over him in a way he could only describe as romantic. It was a look he’d taken so long to get used to and yet, even now, he still felt the faint red blood rush that soaked his skin and warmed his cheeks.
Getting up from his seat at the dining table, he took up his mug and scooped yours on his way to the kitchen sink. The temperature from his coffee still lingered and in turn heated his palm. Yours was cold.
Unceremoniously dumping both mugs in the sink, Xyx turned his body to lean on the counter. He watched you, as you’d stood from your chair and seemed to start swaying absentmindedly, the beginnings of a small kitchen dance. You did that often, so often in fact that seeing you standing still was far more concerning to him. If you were standing, you were moving, only sated and still when in his arms and lazing the world away.
A smile, full of melancholy and admiration tugged at his lips. Love ached in his heart, fierce and longing; it burned at his brain, and in the back of his eyes. Xyx closed them, and with a shaky breath inhaled, he hung his head for a brief moment. Looking back up, his sights were met with nothing but an empty space where you’d been. He didn’t wonder where you’d gone, instead letting his gaze slide over the kitchen and down into the hallway, where your bedroom was. As expected, your head poked around the doorframe of the bedroom door, beckoning him in, grin cheeky and implying.
“Needy, are we?” Xyx called out through the house, voice smaller and tighter than usual. Again, you laughed, while your hand reached out to him as if to stretch across the distance and capture him, both hand, heart and soul. You looked so wonderfully ethereal.
His feet didn’t move; he dared not even shift. He simply drank in the image of you, wanting him, needing him, as you had so many times over since you’d both fallen head first. You were insatiable for his touch, his time, his attention. Him even more so for your own.
No matter how many times he had you, even in the smallest of ways, he needed you more.
Yet he couldn’t move. He could only look, watch, as your figure ducked into the bedroom, suspecting he would follow in due time -he always did.
Xyx began to speak, throat rough and turning his words gravelled.
“Love, I…” he began, before the deft meow of Cat interrupted his thoughts. “Ah…feeding time is it, you bugger?” Cat weaved through his legs and rubbed the length of their body against Xyx’s black sweatpants, leaving behind a trail of the same white and brown hairs that littered the house, and made up more of your pillow than actual pillow.
They slept there most nights, and Xyx’s morning alarm was more often than not the swat of Cat’s tail. It’s as if Cat was also trying to hold on to the smell of your hair, just as Xyx was.
“Give me a moment, sweetheart, Cat is demanding nutrition and sustenance, and I have a feeling the little goblin would find a way to get me arrested for neglect. I swear I heard them say ‘hello’ the other day.”
It was more as if he were talking to himself, voice trailing into a low murmur as he went through the motions of collecting Cat’s food and pouring it into the food bowl you’d picked out, as a ‘gift’ for the makeshift birthday Xyx had decided for them.
He’d declared one day, “It’s Cat’s birthday today”.
“Oh is it? I totally forgot,” you’d replied.
He felt the love that had burrowed in his heart hum and murmur in his chest when you played along with his antics, not bothering to mention that Cat was a stray and Xyx couldn’t possibly know when their birthday was.
“We should go get them a gift, or ten knowing you.”
“Are you suggesting I overindulge the little monstrosity?”
“I’m not suggesting, I’m stating a fact, Xyx,” you had chuckled. He loved it so much more when you used his username. He hardly heard it from anyone in his day to day life, the only exception being Toaster when raiding and playing games together. While his given name sounded so sweet from your lips, uttered between kisses or breathed into the open air in the most intimate of moments, Xyx was yours and his and no one else’s. You still called him that when face to face and it made him feel like loving you was even more of a beautiful fantasy come true.
The memory had him standing over the food bowl while Cat nibbled away, mind wandering. You were probably still in the bedroom, waiting for him to lie down beside you and take you in his arms.
Finally, he breathed in as if trying to suck courage from the air and made his way to the bedroom. The bed dipped under his weight and he stared at the ceiling, before letting himself peek over at your side of the bed. You were there, giving him such incredibly enticing eyes. He could fall into those eyes forever.
There was no smile on his face, no sense of the same excitement he knew had buzzed through your veins.
His hand trembled as it swept over your side of the bed.
Cold.
“As I was trying to…to say before, you know, when Cat uh, interrupted,” Xyx spoke into the air, tearing his eyes from you and back up to the roof. “I miss you. Everyday.”
Love was a hot and passionate emotion in the veins, but so was pain. Sometimes, they even felt the exact same to his blood.
“I don’t ride. I mean, I do, but… not recklessly. Not anymore. It doesn’t…distract me like it used to. It does, for a brief moment, but then when that goes away it’s just adrenaline mixed with fucking agony…I can’t handle it. I-…I feel like I can’t breathe when it’s like that. You hate it when I drive recklessly anyway. I can’t risk giving you another reason to put me to trial,” a humourless chuckle fell from him, as if habit and not felt at all.
It’s then that his phone buzzes with a message. He’d only recently turned the notifications back on, the silence afforded from the outside world that was first cathartic soon becoming icy and hollowing.
The text is from work, from his higher ups at his firm, wishing him well in his extended absence and directing him to his email for more information on cases he’d been working previously, who they’d been left to.
Taking no interest in it, he instead opened up your message thread, scrolling through it as he had a million times over.
Tears then slipped from his eyes, long since bothering to hold them back and let them bubble inside.
“Say it again…please…just one more time…please….I-“ he started babbling, the words muddled and accompanied by stuttering hands, typing in his voicemail number.
‘You have 11 new voicemails and 1 saved voicemails.
New voicemail receive-‘
He immediately dials 7, skipping all the most recent ones and straight to the saved one.
‘Hey,’ your voice fills the void-like four walls of the bedroom, real and almost tangible, instead of echoed in the memories he replays over and over. ‘I’m going to be late tonight, so I thought I’d bring home something, you don’t have to make anything. And by that I mean don’t make anything, I’m better at cooking than you anyway’ your laugh is infectious, and had circumstances not been what they were, he’d laugh right along. ‘I can either surprise you, or you can call me back and tell me what you want, but you’re probably busy working and left your phone in the bedroom. Then again you have to listen to this to know not to cook, so pick up the phone!
Anyway, I’ll be home sometime soon.
I love you.’
The phone beeps and the automated voice continues, asking if he wants to delete the voicemail or listen to the newest ones. He hangs up immediately. He’d come close once to deleting the voicemail entirely, and while he had videos of you, they weren’t like the voicemail.
That, after all, was the last of your voice he’d ever heard before you were gone from his reach entirely.
Minutes of repeating turned into hours, tears that slowly fell turned into sob, and for not the first time since losing you, Xyx curled in on himself and heaved out cries of anguish, your voice filling the space between over and over again. Your figure still lay beside him, hazy and transparent, only a faded thought in his mind.
Through wails that racked his body, he choked out in reply to your parting words, every time they repeated.
characters included ; nightowl, quest, xyx, & toasty
tags ; heavy angst, sad ending, gender neutral reader
author’s note ; hey all! sorry to push back after hours and requests, but im in a mood felt an inclination to write this hc set. I hope you all can forgive me for putting off asks another night ;; but regardless, I hope you enjoy this set! angsty and sad >:)
NIGHTOWL —
— It started as a normal night. You were in a group call with a few server members— after such an awful work day, returning home and chatting with your friends always made you feel better. Usually, that is.
— After a few moments of comfortable silence among you, June, and Onion passed, you three were alerted to another person joining the call. June visibly perked up and smiled softly.
— “Hey Nightowl! What’s up?” She asked. He looked peeved, ignoring her completely before his eyes were on you— feeling his burning stare through the screen. You tensed for a moment, but stayed silent, allowing him the room to speak about whatever was on his mind.
— “(y/n). What happened? We were supposed to call tonight. You promised.” He insisted, a slight bitter tone present in his voice. You gave an apologetic smile and glanced away.
— “Sorry, Nightowl. Work wasn’t… great today. Onion and June offered to keep me company since you were offline at the time. I guess I lost track of time, I’m sorry.” You said softly.
— “Yeah! We were just trying to cheer them up! No harm!” June added on and Nightowl huffed a bit, clearly still irritated.
— “You couldn’t have pinged me or something? I would’ve been there if you had.” He muttered and Onion let out a long sigh.
— “Actually, I was the one that advised against them doing that. I knew you’d be busy studying, so I offered up support along with June in the meantime. It’s beneficial for everyone. You stay focused, they get support. It’s not like you can’t still call them, you know.” Onion mentioned and Nightowl rolled his eyes, now clearly pissed off.
— “Oh, so you’re making decisions for them now, Onion? That’s not the point. I want to be here for them and it’s like you were intentionally trying to keep me from them. If you were actually capable of liking someone, I’d almost suspect that you had a crush on them or something.” Nightowl seethed and June let out a soft gasp. You weren’t having any of this either. Onion was still your friend— he was only being considerate.
— “Hey! Nightowl, that was uncalled for. I agreed with his plan because I didn’t want to distract you either. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me. He was only trying to be considerate in his own way.” You insisted, exasperation clear in your tone. You were tired. Far too tired to play mediator, but you didn’t want them to fight.
— “Why is it fine when he’s trying to be considerate, when it’s clearly not something I want? I’m supposed to just go along with it because he’s being considerate? What about what I want?” Nightowl snapped and Onion let out a soft groan.
— “Nightowl we didn’t know what else to do. We weighed the options we had and picked one. Fighting about this is pointless.” Onion muttered. June nodded vigorously in agreement— clearly wanting to end any conflict here.
— “It’s not pointless!” Nightowl insisted and Onion deadpanned for a moment before replying.
— “It is pointless because it’s coming from a baseless jealousy. June and I are just trying to be good friends. You’re the one making it about you.” Onion stated simply. That statement seemed to set Nightowl off because soon after— the two engaged in a full on yelling match— back and forth and back and forth— your head hurt. You were overwhelmed and quickly left the call. This is the last thing you needed to deal with today— why was he so mad anyways? No one had done anything wrong.
— You broke completely upon seeing Onion and Nightowl begin to argue in chat— demanding you back in the call to settle some score that you didn’t care for. June’s attempts to diffuse the situation were fruitless, and you couldn’t hold it in anymore. Tears fell down your face— you’d just wanted comfort— support. Why had it devolved into a yelling match— fighting?
— Was it you? Perhaps you were the problem— after all, you always seemed to be caught between their yelling matches— every fight was always in your presence. Maybe you were the factor that caused so much disturbance? You could just… and they wouldn’t… right?
— You sent a brief apology to June, explaining that perhaps it would be better if you left. Nothing to fight over if you were gone, right? Before she could respond— begging you not to go— you left. Your screen blacked out and you curled up on your desk chair and let out a soft sigh of relief. Hopefully. Hopefully they wouldn’t be fighting anymore. Even if it hurt, it’d be worth it for them.
— June’s eyes widened upon seeing you leave. Nightowl and Onion were still fighting— had they even noticed? Did they even care? June felt a rare upset bubble within her and she rejoined the call.
— “Shut up! Please! (y/n) left the server! They left— and you two are still making this about yourselves! We were supposed to help them for once and it turned into them mediating our problems! Again! Now what..? They’ll never find the server again— they’re gone!” June snapped and the two fell silent. June let a few tears slip from her eyes before she shook her head, hanging up soon after.
— Onion grimaced— feeling his own regrets and looking at Nightowl apologetically before hanging up as well. Nightowl sat alone in the call before scanning back in the logs— searching— your profile was— you were really—
— He felt his chest tighten as he let out a quiet sob. Had he seriously let his own jealousy get the best of him? You’d merely forgotten and he mistook it completely— Onion wasn’t even being unreasonable for once and he mistook the entire situation. He assumed that you chose Onion over him, yet in reality, June had been there, too. They’d just been there while Nightowl was offline and he’d allowed himself to get so possessive that he— he completely slipped up. You always helped them and for once, you had been in need. And what did he do?
— He made it about his own emotions— about himself instead of supporting you when you clearly needed it. And now? Now it didn’t even matter because you were gone.
— The next morning came, and you were still gone. No more familiar icon— the username that always made his heart warm when he saw you online— you were actually gone. He got shit from the rest of the server, rightfully so, but it no longer mattered.
— You were gone— and he knew that deep down, he’d never be able to find you again. He’d never be able to tell you that he loved and cared about you deeply— he could only sit and wonder what could’ve been if he hadn’t been so foolish.
QUEST —
— Life on the server had been less than enjoyable for you as of recent— how could it be when your ex was there? You understood fully that he was to be given a chance, just like everyone else— but you couldn’t just forget what he did to you.
— He acted docile in server, utilizing the same charm that made you fall for him so many years ago— but you knew what he was. You knew who he was behind all of that talk. It drained you. You were hardly able to enjoy Blooming Panic, hardly able to participate in group calls— because you worried. Would you accidentally let some detail slip that gave away where you were? If he saw you in call, would he be able to find out where you were from the backdrop alone?
— You didn’t feel safe.
— But he had done nothing wrong in the server. So banning him would be unreasonable. But he was getting along with your other friends— and you could hardly handle it. The one person who hadn’t become friendly with him was Quest. The two hardly interacted, save for the occasional need for Quest to direct conversation into the proper channels. He’d told you as much in your private channel. He couldn’t do anything even if he wanted to. As much as he wanted to kick him for what he did to you— he had to remain impartial.
— But what really sold it for you was when your friends in the server tried to tell you— convince you that he’d changed. Just because they hadn’t experienced the ugliest sides of your ex. They hadn’t seen his tendency to stalk— the hurtful messages— the things you endured. You were beyond tired by then. You appeared in the server less and less, interacted less, talked less— the only people who went out of their way to talk ti you were Quest, Lady and Two. They never tried to convince you otherwise about your ex. They always validated your experiences. But it was hardly enough.
— You were sat in a group call with Two, Lady and Quest. It was facilitated through a private voice channel— one that the rest of the server didn’t have access to. You’d called them there to talk. You long made your decision to leave the server. You needed to get away from your ex— you couldn’t bear to worry daily about your safety, wondering if the censors were enough to keep him from finding you. Living in constant paranoia? It was awful. You couldn’t bear it anymore.
— “Hey (y/n)— why’d you call us all here?” Two asked with a light air of curiosity. You’d miss it. Lady hummed in the background.
— “Yeah, did something happen? Do we need to fight anyone?” She asked with a small, protective smirk. She never hesitated to protect you the moment your ex went online. Even if he tried with his nice guy act— she’d always make an excuse for you. You couldn’t thank her enough.
— “Please, no fighting or violence. You know I can’t condone that.” Quest said with a light laugh. Leaving him would hurt the most. You loved him. You always had. You wanted to be with him— but you couldn’t. You have long since accepted that. The three laughed a bit before falling silent, allowing you space to talk.
— “I’m leaving the server tonight. And before you argue with me— I just. I can’t. Living in fear every day that the censor won’t be enough to keep him from finding me— I can’t live like this. It’s miserable. You three have always been supportive. You’ve always been on my side— so I just. Figured I’d tell you before I disappeared.” You expressed with a soft, yet sad smile. Their faces dropped.
— “What? No— no you can’t leave! Who else is gonna listen to my music and my ramblings?” Two asked, his voice cracking lightly. It broke your heart.
— “We can figure something out! Right, Quest? We can do something— anything. We won’t let this happen. If you leave, we’ll never see you again.” Lady expressed quietly. Quest felt his heart ache— he knew the situation. He knew why you chose this. He felt powerless— wanting so badly to be biased and just kick the other— but he couldn’t judge. Even if he had quite the opinion, he couldn’t express it— he was in no place to do so.
— “I… I can’t kick him. Are you sure this is what you want…? We can figure out another solution, angel. Please— if the server lost you, it’d never be the same.” Quest insisted. You smiled before shaking your head.
— “As long as he’s here, I don’t feel safe. I’m not asking you to take a bias for me, Quest. I’m just asking for understanding. You three mean a lot to me. Even when I withdrew, you still sought my company. It… it means a lot. Thank you. For everything.” You said softly. Before the three could further protest, you hung up and left. Your name disappeared from the side bar and Quest felt his heart shatter. He hadn’t even— he didn’t even get the chance to tell you.
— Before he could even react, he was being pinged in the main channel— met with a string of nasty comments from your ex following your exit from the server. It angered him to read them— angered him that he was only showing his true colors after you’d left. Now there was a reason to kick him and he did— not even sparing him a chance to say a word. Only now did the rest of the server notice your absence— realizing that you were right. Far too late for such a thing, Quest thought.
— He held his head in his hands. It didn’t matter now. He lost you. Who knew if you’d ever find the server again— if you’d ever return with the risk that your ex would still be there. Why couldn’t he have just kicked him? Take the backlash— but keep you. He knew though. He knew you’d never allow him to do such a thing. But he wished he’d gone against his judgment— made that special exception for you.
— Because you were special. And losing you was a heavy pain he’d feel every day he logged on. Seeing your name mentioned in conversation, but no longer with them— it felt awful. Being impartial wasn’t worth losing you. Nothing was worth losing you. And the entire server felt the pain of losing that spark that you brought.
XYX —
— Xyx sighed as he sat alone on call, waiting for you once more. It had been a few days since you were last online. No one knew why you’d been absent for so long— but he was repeatedly assured by the others that you’d return. You had to, right? He found himself like this every night— sitting alone in a call, waiting for you to come back. Had he done something— said something— had he become too much?
— He pushed the thoughts away, feeling his heart skip a beat when he noticed you online— you were actually here. He was going to ask you to call, but you typed in the general chat, simply asking if Nightowl was around. Nightowl? When had you two become so close? He felt a slight gnaw of jealousy, but he didn’t want to make any assumptions. Xyx replied simply, stating that Nightowl had gone offline to study. You responded with an “Oh.” and he felt his chest tighten. He couldn’t lose the chance to hear your voice again—
— He invited you to call with him. Silence for a few moments before you agreed and he smiled to himself. Finally. He waited patiently and soon enough you joined the call, but you looked… different. Tired. You had prominent bags under your eyes— the lively sparkle in your eyes was gone. What had happened?
— “Doll, are you alright?” He asked in a gentle tone. You hummed and forced a small smile before shaking your head.
— “Not really. I’ve been staying up every night with Nightowl. He’s been helping me figure something out. I’ve been mulling over my decision, but I made one. I wanted to tell him before I told everyone else.” You explained, letting out a soft sigh. Xyx gave you a concerned look. This didn’t sound good. He had an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach— what decision had you made? He wanted to try being lighthearted— to cheer you up.
— “Oh? Really? What situation is it that you’ve concluded Nightowl of all people to be the most suitable to give you advice?” He joked lightly and you rolled your eyes.
— “Being the butt of everyone’s joke, funnily enough.” You muttered and Xyx opened his mouth to respond, but fell silent. You averted your gaze away and sighed.
— “Look, I’m sorry. I’m just not in a great mood. I’m leaving the server tonight, though. I’m far too tired at this point. I’m tired of being the butt of the joke. It’s awful. It reminds me of… how I used to be treated. And I deserve better than that.” You stated simply and Xyx’s eyes widened— leaving? You couldn’t leave—
— “Wait— wait! Isn’t there any other solution? Can’t you just ask everyone to stop? Leaving— if you leave you’ll never be able to come back. You’ll lose all of us.” Xyx insisted and you let out a small laugh, shaking your head.
— “Xyx. I’ve tried repeatedly for weeks to tell everyone to stop. None of you ever listened. Nightowl was the only one who bothered taking me seriously because he gets it. He used to be in my position. For some reason, though. They stopped when he asked, but I guess since I’m one of the other server trolls, I must be joking, right? I have to be fine with it. I must be.” You explained with a bitter tone. He felt his heart drop— and suddenly he remembered.
— All of the comments. The ‘haha hey can we not joke about that?’ and ‘lol but not that funny tbh’ and ‘why am i still being made fun of’ and ‘pls stop already’ No one had listened. Everyone ignored it— no matter what you said. He was part of the problem. He bit his lip, meeting your gaze.
— “I’m sorry, (y/n). I didn’t realize—“ He was cut off.
— “No one did, Xyx. No one realized. I thought you would get it, you know? You used to be the same. No one took you seriously because you were always joking around. But. You didn’t. And that hurt, y’know? No use crying over it now, though. I made my decision, already. I’m leaving tonight. I don’t… I don’t want to keep acting like I’m fine when I’m miserable. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish all of the comments didn’t get to me— but they do. They’re hurtful. And I’m over it.” You explained and shook your head.
— Xyx didn’t know what to say. What could he do to make you stay? What could he do? He wanted to tell you— tell you how he felt and maybe then you’d hear him— but before he could, Nightowl came online and you gave him a soft smile.
— “Goodbye, Xyx. Thank you for everything.” You said softly before hanging up, presumably to tell Nightowl of your decision. He slumped back in his chair. It was too late now. Too late to tell you just how much he—
— Then he saw the notification. You’d left the server. Your parting words were in the general chat. He hated it because even in your parting message— you blamed yourself for not being able to handle it. Blamed yourself when it was their fault for not taking you seriously. The server censors had just lifted, they’d just eased up, and he hadn’t even had the chance to ask for your number— your name— anything so he could find you and be with you.
— You cared for him. You took him seriously when no one else did. Maybe, if he’d shown you that same treatment back— you’d have stayed. He could’ve advocated for you— stopped the jokes before they became too mean— but he couldn’t take it back. And that hurt more than anything.
— The real cherry on top, though, was when he learned that you’d given Nightowl your number after your call with Xyx. That you didn’t see Xyx as someone worth keeping in touch with. And honestly? He couldn’t blame you.
— You’d been such a good friend to him. And he completely disregarded you when you had needed him the most. And now you were gone. And there was nothing he could do to change that.
NAKEDTOASTER —
— Toasty smiled softly as he saw you come online. You’d been in the server less and less— having to focus on your studies for your graduate program as opposed to messaging in the server, but you’d taken your exams, finished your work and were now about to graduate. At least, that’s what he assumed. You’d gotten your test results about a week ago, and hadn’t been online since. Perhaps you were celebrating? Preparing for the next step? He had no idea— but he missed you. So he was excited to be able to talk to you again after so long.
— He sat eagerly on call, typing a message to you the moment you went online, asking if you could chat. You agreed, and soon enough, you joined the call and Toasty could immediately tell something was wrong. You looked tired, a ring of red around your eyes— disheveled and like you hadn’t slept in days.
— “Hey, woah, are you okay? What’s wrong?” He asked gently and you forced a small smile, but it quickly went away as you let out a frustrated sigh.
— “I failed. I’m not graduating this year. All of this hard work and— and it still wasn’t enough. I didn’t study enough, Toasty. I really messed up.” You muttered and held your head in your hands. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug you through the screen— to be there in person and assure you that it’d be okay. But the censors… even if he wanted to, he couldn’t be with you in person. It was just a distant daydream, one that he thought about all the time.
— “H-Hey! I mean, I’m sure there’s next year, right? You can try again and I’m sure you’ll be able to manage it. I believe in you.” He insisted and you gave a soft, grateful smile.
— “I appreciate it… but I won’t be around to update you. I’m leaving the server. I think… I think I’ve let myself become too distracted with being in here constantly. Not getting proper sleep, not focusing on my schoolwork— I think that’s the problem. I worked hard, but I joined the server when hard work mattered the most. I started slacking at the worst time, and I can’t afford to fail again. I’m sorry, Toasty. I really will miss you all, but if I fail again… I don’t know what I’ll do.” You explained. Toasty felt his breath get caught in his throat— he wanted to tell you that he loved you so much, plead for you to stay— but he… couldn’t. Your reasoning was justified. Eliminate distractions so you could focus on passing next semester.
— He knew it was your decision. You wouldn’t waver. If it made you happy in the long term— even if he couldn’t be by your side to witness it— he couldn’t bring himself to be mad or upset with you. You’d be happy, right? Even if he wasn’t there to share it with you. Toasty bit his lip, frown ever present on his face as he sighed.
— “If… if you think that’s for the best then… who am I to stop you? I’ll miss you— I’ll miss you so much. But I want you to succeed because I know that’ll make you happy.” He explained and you hummed and nodded, a relieved expression on your face that he wouldn’t be fighting you. You paused for a moment.
— “Hey, can I tell you something before I go, though?” You questioned and he glanced at you, giving a questioning look and you met his eyes for a moment.
— “I just wanted to say that I… I lo— ah… you know what..? It’s nothing. I’ll miss you, too, Toasty. You especially. But I’ll miss everyone else too. I know I’ll never be able to find you all again, but maybe if I get lucky, I’ll find my way back here.” You commented, biting your tongue. It’d be cruel to tell him now how you felt. Not when you were so adamant on leaving. But maybe, just maybe— you wanted him to fight to keep you here. You pushed the thought away, though. Leaving was for the better, you convinced yourself.
— Toasty was visibly concerned that you held back your comment, but let out a soft sigh, not wanting to push the issue. He gave you a sad smile, soon looking away.
— “I guess… this is goodbye, then?” He whispered and you hesitated before nodding.
— “Goodbye, Toasty. Thank you for everything.” You said softly and hung up. You sent a message in the general chat before leaving the server— no one to see you again.
— Toasty’s heart ached— but it only truly settled just how finalized everything was when your name was no longer in that side bar— no longer in your shared private channel. Then, he learned through Xyx that the feeling he held on to— the love that he hadn’t wanted to admit in that final call— was mutual.
— And now he wished that he’d fought to convince you to stay in the server— stay with him. Because now you were gone.
No. That’s not the right question.
How did you let it come to this? This was definitely your fault anyways. Would haves, could haves, and should haves all started to whisper in your mind, overlapping their voices. They grew louder, and louder, and louder. Each step towards your destination felt as if you were walking through water, the malevolent undertow trying to push you back. You felt too present, yet absent all at once. You knew you felt your body was currently there, in the hall, as you walked forwards, but you felt incredibly detached, like there was a thin, decently translucent and slightly staticky black screen covering your vision.
The world was still in this strange state that – honestly – scared you, but you knew you couldn’t stay on the move forever. You sat down, recognizing the firm yet cushioned surface you sat on. As if to verify your location, the fingers of your right hand gently brushed upon the leathery seat. It was smooth, but was the cold temperature from the seat itself, or your hands?
Were the icicles and bullets that you thrust into each other born of spite, or born of one of your toxic vices which would doom the love you tried to nurture? Was it all your doing?
Then it came in more waves.
Each negative thought that came into mind – directed to yourself – pushed you and made you teeter over the edge of a cliff in your head. You knew it was a long way down. You knew that once you fell off the edge, you would not be able to reach out and grab onto the ledge, or any hand that would reach out to you. Besides…
It’s not like he would want to reach out right now. Nobody would want to reach out after hearing what you said to him.
A lump in your throat felt as if it was swelling, and pushing down on your chest. You felt so uneasy, so cold, so scared, but you knew reaching out would only be like salt in his wound. A cry for help would be incredibly selfish. You closed your eyes, not really caring for what was in front of you, not really seeing it, but knowing what was there anyways. Your breaths were shaky, you were still trembling, and your anger, which you knew was never really there, was crumbling to reveal what was really brewing beneath the facade you tried to erect.
It was regret. It was sorrow. It was disdain and hatred and disappointment, all towards yourself. Not one negative emotion was directed to your lover, aside from worry, and the fear that he has now come to hate you. It’s too much.
It’s too much.
Too much weight on your shoulders.
Too much hurt.
Too many times has it been your fault.
Too many times have you been too stubborn to listen to his words of advice and comfort.
This was surely the last time. You were going to lose him. He was going to leave. He was going to be gone. He might already be gone. You don’t feel his warmth. You don’t hear his soft chuckle that you fell in love with. You don’t smell the soft scent of his cologne that he always wears to work. He’s not there anymore. He’s not there. He won’t be there. He-
Your thoughts were cut short by a single note being played on an ivory key.
Hiii!! I have a request! ^ ^ Can you write a fic about Nightowl and his partner who feels like they are unworthy of him? His partner had always had lingering feelings that they weren’t good enough (even though Nightowl felt that he wasn’t good enough for THEM) but one day they just break down into a crying mess telling Nightowl about their fears of not being good enough for him and fearing him leaving. Just a huge sobbing mess
𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 BLOOMIC. why suffer alone? (nightowl x reader)
summary ; A day alone causes (y/n)’s deepest thoughts to spiral out of control and come to the surface. But why suffer alone when your partner is fully capable of sharing your pain?
author’s note ; this request hurt to write, but I loved writing it! Thank you for the ask, anon! I always appreciate a good angst prompt, so I hope I did this idea some justice! There’s a lot of intrusive thoughts in this one, so be warned! Otherwise, enjoy! <3
Nightowl and (y/n) were a rather peculiar couple on the surface. Both were relatively outgoing, tried their best to be friendly to everyone— but always seemed… tired.
Truth be told, they both buried down their deepest, darkest emotions, even from each other. A pair that was always attached at the hip— ones that shared everything with each other except those things that were just too hard to say out loud. Fears, doubts, memories and pain all lingered in the depths of their mind— fearing to slip through the cracks of their crumbling facade— but somehow, both managed to hold it together.
And they did so out of their love for one another. How would the other react if they found out? Would they be hurt— angry— pitiful— upset? Though, even if the feeling was a mutual one between them, the pain of not knowing was heavy. A weight that settled over them both— one that made them overthink every interaction and conversation. Though, they always hid their doubts well, covering it with layers of the true love and adoration they held for one another— even if they felt that their other half was too good for them.
(y/n) felt this weighing heavy in their mind as they laid among the plush blankets and pillows of Nightowl’s bed. Their boyfriend had gotten up hours ago— off to work as per any other day. Unfortunately, though, that meant another day alone with their thoughts— waiting for Nightowl to return and distract them from it all.
They covered their eyes with their arm. Why did Nightowl cling to them— why pick them of all people? Would he have chosen anyone? Was it just out of convenience? Would he leave them the moment that someone better came along? (y/n) knew he wasn’t the type— knew he wasn’t capable of being so cruel to someone— yet they still questioned. It was easy to be mean to a person like them, after all.
(y/n) groaned and sat up, shaking their head as if to physically force the thoughts out of their mind. They had to get up— make themself useful even if it was their day off from work. They stood up, dressing themself messily before cleaning up a bit around the house. However, it was hard to avoid those bitter thoughts in a house full of the memories of their relationship— one that (y/n) felt like they didn’t deserve in the slightest.
Their pictures together were littered around Nightowl’s apartment— framed and shown off to anyone who ever entered. It felt like the pictures were mocking them— reminding them of how Nightowl made them so happy— about how he deserved so much better than they could provide.
They felt a quiet tear slip from their eye, walking over to one of the frames, lifting it up with a soft smile. It was of them, together, in their most formal clothing— sitting on the steps of some fancy venue together.
(y/n) remembered that night clear as day. They had some fancy end of the year work party that the company spent way too much money on. They stated that Nightowl didn’t have to go— but he insisted. He always did, claiming that he’d be a bad boyfriend if he didn’t go— after all, he couldn’t let them be stuck in the boredom of some business party alone, right?
The party had been incredibly stuffy— far too uptight and formal of a scene for a pair like Nightowl and (y/n)— so they escaped together. Instead of sitting inside, enjoying the free food and countless speeches, they decided it’d be much more worthwhile to enjoy some time alone. So they sat on the steps of the venue, dressed to the nines, leaning against one another as they gazed up at the starry sky. (y/n) had whispered to him that they were glad he tagged along, and Nightowl replied that they were soulmates. He’d do anything with them. At the time, it made their heart leap with joy— made them fall in love even more.
But now, it left a bitter taste in their mouth. Soulmate, huh? Did someone like them even deserve something like that?
Nightowl was sweet. He was dedicated, talented, kind hearted, understanding and tried his best to be patient with those he loved. He was everything (y/n) ever dreamed of in a boyfriend— but could they even begin to compare? They were tired, procrastinated— tried their best to be supportive, but never knew the right words to say. They tried and tried, but it never felt like enough. They weren’t enough.
And they wondered when Nightowl would see that and leave them for someone more worth it.
They blinked back more tears, placing the picture frame faced down on the counter, before glancing at the countless other photos. Tears streamed down their face as they walked around the apartment— placing every photo with them facing down, away, towards the wall— anything as long as they couldn’t see it. They ended up back in the bedroom, sitting at Nightowl’s desk, the tears non-stop as their bottled up thoughts came pouring out all at once.
They looked up, their eyes scanning over the countless sketches taped around their boyfriend’s desk— anything to distract them from the pounding of their heart in their ears and the words that flew through their mind. But soon their eyes widened.
Among the sketches of different buildings, and even a few sketches of Damien and Lola— were ones of them. Covered in hearts and small, cute comments that were authentically Nightowl. Scattered notes of “my favorite!” and “an absolute cutie!” framed countless sketches that (y/n) hadn’t even realized Nightowl had done. The one that really made their heart sting was one with the phrase “love of my life” scrawled beneath it in their boyfriend’s handwriting. A phrase that rang so loudly in their mind.
They trusted Nightowl— believed him when he said that they loved him, but never felt deserving of it. They wanted to ask so desperately, what is there to love about someone so insecure? What is the benefit?
Why hasn’t he found someone better?
But the answer would be the same every time. Nightowl loved them despite everything. He was there through the rough times because he wanted to be.
And all this time, (y/n) had been hiding their pain— probably causing Nightowl to worry— all because they couldn’t bear the thought of their fears being confirmed and their lover leaving them for another.
Before they could even decide if it was better to keep hiding, or if they should tell him— the front door opened and (y/n)’s eyes widened. There was no time to make a decision— their thoughts had caused them to not notice the day fly by. Not to mention—
They looked around the bedroom. Every picture was still faced down. They rushed out to the main room, trying to put up their usual front. Nightowl pulled his shoes off, not yet seeming to notice the state of the photos around their house— far more focused on them. Like he always was.
“Hey, cutie! How was your day off? You look tired— I hope you didn’t overwork yourself!” He chided with his usual smile. (y/n) returned a warm, empty smile back. They searched for the words to say— a lie to cover up the fact that the day had been awful, but seeing the photos paired with their boyfriend, bright and happy to greet them, solidified it for them. They couldn’t keep pretending. They couldn’t keep… lying to him.
And with that, they broke.
Their smile fell and the tears poured— a second release of emotion that finally exposed all that they’d been feeling to the one person they tried so hard to hide it from. Their body shook as they sobbed, their knees growing weak as they nearly fell— but they never felt the impact.
Nightowl caught them, easing them down to the floor before pulling them tightly into his arms, rubbing small circles into their back in an attempt to soothe them as they cried. Once they’d quieted down, he pulled back, using his thumbs to wipe away their tears as he scanned their face.
“What’s wrong, cutie? What happened?” He asked softly. (y/n) shifted a bit, averting their gaze elsewhere, unable to face the worry that was clear in his expression.
“I don’t feel like I’m good enough for you. I always feel like you’ll find someone better— and that one day, I’ll be left alone. A-And it’s not anything you said or did— I just… feel incompetent. I want to make you happy, but I always question if you’d be better off with someone else. I love you so much and I just. I don’t want you to leave me” They explained through soft sniffles, allowing Nightowl to wipe every tear that slipped as his eyes widened. His heart broke and he felt his own tears well up before pulling them back into a tight, grounding embrace.
“You’re enough— you’re more than enough! I… I completely understand, but I wish you didn’t. I never feel like I’m enough for you and I find myself wondering the same thing— if you’d be happy with someone else. I’d never leave you for anyone else— and I’m so grateful that you don’t want me to leave, but so upset that you have to feel this way. But I understand, (y/n). I'm here and I feel the same pain that you do. Please, don’t suffer alone. Not when I'm here suffering in the same way.” Nightowl explained, his voice cracking as he allowed his own tears to slip. (y/n) broke at the confirmation— at the deep level of understanding and at the support. He was going through the same feeling? He was scared, too? They weren’t alone this time?
They let out more broken sobs, crying into his shoulder as he held them tightly, whispering small affirmations and a quiet “I love you” to help reassure them that he’d stick around. It was then that he noticed all of the photos turned around— all of their happiest memories turned away from the scene taking place. It made him break even more and he tightened his embrace, kissing (y/n)’s forehead gently as he rubbed their back and as he continued to silently cry with them.
Today would be the last day they suffered alone. He didn’t want to think about how many days it had been this bad— didn’t want to think about how long it must have taken to culminate to this point. All he knew was that today?
Their cries and suffering would finally be heard. As would his own.
Today, they would share the burden, and suffer together.
