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#rickandmorty #bluepoop

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I feel like a horrible person

Basically, I've been internalizing a lot of shit that I really shouldn't even be upset about. Like, really. None of this shit is a big deal. I'm being a real hypocrite about a lot of it. But I keep brooding and mulling and grieving about it over and over again and it just gets worse and worse and worse so I just have to write it down or else I'll never suck it up and let it go.

First of all, I had some plans with my brother last week. Like...it wasn't huge, cancel everything else plans, and I'd already postponed them once in the week because my dad had a problem with me going over for some reason or another, but I was just trying my damnedest to not cancel them again. I just really didn't want to blow him off again. I was really looking forward to seeing him, but at the same time I was desperately missing my boyfriend, as always. I have a big problem with that. It's like...I start to hurt if I go just a few fucking days without seeing him, which is really dependent and really wrong. It makes me feel even worse about that when I'm with my brother, because he rarely ever even gets to see his boyfriend, and as often as I see Jack, I feel like don't have any right to complain about a few measly days.

So I was trying really hard not to blow him off and see Jack, especially since we had plans for Wednesday which is the day during the week when I usually see him for SCA fighter practice. I'm feeling really good about it, having just made a deal with a friend to get a ride over to his house when I get a text from him, cancelling our plans because he is actually at my boyfriend's house.

Yeah, so the irony was really killing my there. I was feeling a little betrayed, a little second-best, but also really guilty for feeling hurt because this is what I'd been doing to my brother for the past couple years.

And I honestly feel like shit about that.

I just want to make up for it. I want to have the relationship we used to have again, because I honestly love and miss him, but I feel like I don't deserve him anymore. I still call him my big brother, but I don't know if I deserve that anymore. And here I am, feeling all butthurt over him treating me the same way. Just...really hurt over it.

So I spent the entire school day brooding over it, getting ready to go home to my room and hole up and be a complete bitch. I didn't even want to wait around for fifteen minutes after school to get a ride with my neighbor because I was so bitter. I recruited my ex to give me a ride home, and she noticed that I was feeling down. She ended up dragging me out to her place to play with a puppy, and then she took me to go to the mall with her and get some dinner, which was actually really fun. I had to restrain myself from using that time spent with my ex to make Jack jealous as revenge for something he didn't even do.

A couple of days later I got the flu. I haven't had the flu in about five years, and this one happened to put me in the ER. I was more pissed off about this because it kept me from going to an SCA event I was really looking forward to, and kept me from seeing Jack yet again. I'm still on bed rest from that flu, four days later. Over the weekend I kept hoping that maybe Jack would stop by, come to see me to cheer me up like he always does when I'm sick. I know that he's busy, and that it's war season, but I couldn't keep from getting my hopes up. I kept thinking that because he was on this side of town pretty much every day doing something in a friend's workshop with his family, maybe he'd just stop by for a few minutes. Maybe he'd surprise me. And every day that he didn't I just got more and more disappointed and angry, which makes no sense because I was setting these expectations on the basis of absolutely nothing. I just hoped. Truth be told, My place is actually out of the way from the house he was at, so even the proximity thing was a stretch. I just wanted him to care like he usually does when I'm sick, and this time I was sick enough to be in the hospital. But I know that he cares, and I know that he wants to be here, and I know that it's tearing him up inside not being able to see me and take care of me.

The thing is, I can't even tell what I'm really angry about. I think I'm mostly just angry that I'm feeling so personally scandalized by things that I really have no place to feel that way over. I'm being a hypocrite and an over-sensitive bitch. Hopefully writing this all out will help a little.

#feelings rant #bluepoop #probs gonna delete later

All of my cat's white spots are pink

i think he might have been bathing in the blood of his fallen enemies

#cats #bluepoop #galileo 2k13

I ate some food

and now I'm 96% sure i'm going to die

#sick #bluepoop

I just want to talk to my boyfriend

But he's off doing important stuff that I can't do because I'm too sick

#hrblprbl #bluepoop

OKAY SO

I'M HAVING THIS BIRTHDAY PARTY.