blue!reader x saviour!matt
BLURB: "listen before I go" + "i love you"
this is part of my billie eilish writing marathon [here]
WARNINGS: this is a very very sensitive topic, it includes final messages before an unalive attempt, hospitals, argument, implied abuse, upsetting content !! please procede with caution or not at all if this is a triggering topic. I found it triggering to even write so please prioritise yourself if you aren't sure <33
a/n this was gonna be two parts but I made it into one !
wc: 1.4k
- this takes place after chapter 5 of my "coming clean" series but can be read separately ! it's also technically chapter 6 c:
AU MASTERLIST // NAV // ALL AUS
" hi matt im um- im really glad you didnt pick up.
Must be kinda weird hearing voice. [laughs] i didnt wanna show you i was better until, i guess until i felt it. He killed my voice bad right, sounds different. I feel a lot different.
Doesnt hurt anymore, thats good? Its the only thing that doesnt. I-i move sometimes and im just expecting someone to hit me or yell at me. Its like i can feel myself getting hit you know? I guess that might sound crazy. [small laugh]
Its nice here- colder than LA. i think youd like it, we have this woods nearby. ‘m not allowed there on my own though, ‘s not safe.
[sigh] i wish you were here. everyone tries- they really try but i cant do it. I hate talking, i hate living feeling like im gonna die any second, im afraid of everything. It feels like- like im rotting. like therapy is a way to cut me open to see the mould but then- then im just left cut open.
I dont know what to do with the feelings anymore.
I feel infected. [sniff]
Im supposed to distract myself from it all, ‘m not supposed to think about it. I dont see why draining the memories out would work when ive been fucking bathing in them for years.
I dont think i can live like this, matt. [quiet sob]
Im not even a person anymore.but I dont know how to try being anything else.
Im always just- empty. And i want you- so bad. I dont wanna feel like im buying time until i die any more. I-its like im lonely, but i feel like everything is suffocating me, like its crowded.
I cant have you. ‘m not supposed to have anything- it sounds dumb, i have people. I was the reason i didnt have anyone in the first place. But now im just- im just a chore and im weighing everyone down.
Everyones expecting me to do it. to- to leave. I dont know why im putting it off anymore.
[sob] im sorry i just- im so sorry. [sniff]
I dont see another way out.
I love you. "
It felt just how she described it, a crowded loneliness stemming from deep within.
He wanted her to call back. She didnt.
Matt had missed her call, but got her sisters call. A twisted compromise, as if the universe had firmly decided he wasnt allowed to talk to her, to stop her. He could only ever miss her.
The plane ride was long, exhausting. He couldnt sleep at all. Theyd got this journey together not long ago. He held her hand, silent communication as she was too nervous to rest. She was terrified of how shed be greeted once she got there. And now matt was terrified.
Hed given himself this role, he grew almost confident in his abilities while she stayed with him. He was going to protect her, hed be her support, every second that she wanted him there. Her life was so fractured, people of value were scattered, her memories and sense of self were all scattered. Of course he didnt want to let her go, but he wanted what she wanted. Matt wanted her to live a life with the people she wanted there - he wanted her just to live. He wasnt there to see the way that idea changed for herself.
She wanted to apologise, to make amends. He never thought she meant final ones.
The hospital lights burned into matts blank stare and red eyes. He refused to believe she could be gone. He refused to believe any of it was happening, even as it played out in front of him.
Her voicemail didnt feel final. It felt like she was waiting, she wanted matt to stop her. He was supposed to stop her. She had so much life left, he had so many moments he wanted to share with her. She had an entire future waiting for her. It wasnt supposed to happen. She couldnt have meant it to happen.
He got walked down to her room, matt was unresponsive. He couldnt bring himself to talk when he was convinced it was some sick nightmare.
She wasnt awake, her sister sat aside her watching. She barely acknowledged matts entrance, like she was in a trance expecting her to spring back to life but only if she kept watch.
It felt too sick to think but it looked as if she was already gone. Her body barely shifting, wires connected to her like she was a machine. Like she was never real in the first place. The scarring he remember had faded, no injuries from anyone but herself were on show.
It could be easy to blame everyone else. Matt could get angry her sister, telling her she shouldve done more, been there more. How abandoned did she feel by her to have to call on matt when she hadnt seen him in months? He knew it wouldnt be productive. Hed get no where, break the only bond that was the reason he was even on the list to be able to see her.
He kind of hoped shed just wake up, that shed feel his presence even so far out of reach. He wanted to be enough. But just showing up never is. And he didnt blame her for it.
Her sister essentially hogged the space next to her on the hospital bed. It wasnt matts place to take that from her, he understood that at least. As days went on, her sister had warmed up to him. Less blaming, less anger for how he handled the situation. Matt didnt bother explaining himself, he didnt really care how her sister felt about him. Not when all he felt anyways was guilt.
Regardless, eventually he got to sit next to her. He stared long at her hands, he wouldnt touch them, he didnt want to know if they were cold, he didnt want to feel the weight and have to process that she really was both far gone and right in front of him. He also didnt think he could let go. It was easier than seeing her face, everytime he did he would wait for a twitch, slight movements of even just imaging that she would open her eyes.
“They say she’ll wake up.” her sister broke the silence. “But i kind of expect her not to.”
“Dont say shit like that.”
“What? She already gave up, matt. She gave up on me long before that.”
“No she didnt and you know that. He forced her to leave. She didnt understand what was happening and you cant blame her for that.”
She scoffed and stood up from the seat, pacing with her hands on her hips. “Im allowed to be upset.”
“You are but can you not do it while shes laying in front of you in a fucking hospital bed?! You dont think she knew she shouldnt have left? You think she never hated herself for it? Any amount of anger you have for anything shes done, she has for herself a million times over. You dont get to be angry, not right now.”
He felt a hand atop his own, forcing his head sharply around to face the one staring up at him. Her eyes were slowly adjusting to the light of the room, wanting to reach up at rub at them but was disturbed by the wires attached to her.
“H-hey its okay, keep your arm still.”
She groaned at the instruction, moving her other arm in an attempt to pull it out. Matt held her arm back quickly. “No, stop!” he chuckled further seeing her eye roll in disapproval.
She rested her head back against the pillow, staring directly at matt. He rubbed soothing patterns onto her arm with his thumb, she gave him a little wave and a small smile.
“hi,” he whispered, admiring the life in her eyes. All his feelings were rushing to him, the ache hed tried to buried down had been set free, tears beginning to brim in his eyes.
She had a look of guilt, reaching up to hold his face in one of her hands. He leaned down to complete the gesture, smiling past the feeling of tears falling down his cheeks. She shook her head at him, frowning.
“Im okay,” he sniffed, “i just love you.”
He placed kisses on her wrist as she caressed his face with her thumb. “Im sorry too.”
PLEASE READ
a/n my messages are open for anyone who needs support ! I know this is a very difficult topic and a lot of people try to cope by engaging in these topics but please talk to someone if you need to and I'm also here if you need anything <33