#blurtfeed

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HUMANS TRY TIME-PHASED SWEETS

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FIVE FEDERATION-MANDATED LIFE HACKS

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You WISH You Lived in These AMAZING Luxury Homes

By Horngruh Zblorknyark

Remember the Property Clones? These savvy genetically-engineered Gromflomites were the hottest name in real estate on Gromflom Prime!

But ever since the Blemflarck Crisis, their show (and all other broadcasts) have disappeared from the air.

But that doesn’t mean the brothers aren’t still in the luxury home business! Here are just a few of their available properties that you’ll NEVER be able to afford!

This upcycled warship would be perfect for a family with lots of hatchlings. Too bad your down payment requires selling seven children into slavery!

This entire hole can be yours, if you can defeat the Beast! Hundreds have failed, but this could be your lucky break!

Have you amassed 1,000 ration packets? You could hand them over for this beautiful bombed-out storefront! We don’t need to know what you did to get them, that’s on YOUR conscience!

Looking for a sense of community, now that yours has been destroyed? Move into this fun and funky gated residence!

To earn a spot, just bring in the severed head of one of the co-op board’s many dangerous enemies! 

Join the conversation! Where are YOU hiding now that the reckoning has come?

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7 Pieces of Binary Code to Make Your Partner Go Wild

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Glorp Die Blorp: "Ten Tuesdays at Tinkles"

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The #BasicHuman meme is TOO PERFECT!

Everyone in the Federation is LOSING IT over the galaxy’s hottest new meme, the #BasicHuman!

No one knows who he is or where he’s from, but he’s helping us all understand humans a little more.

Humans love milk almost as much as Borpocians love scrongo!

OMFQ I’M LITERALLY DYING.

You said it, #BasicHuman.

80 years? Bye, Felishonnyzjyx!

#BasicHuman, he’s just like us!

Next you’re gonna tell us that they use fluids to reproduce! SMH

You SO would, #BasicHuman!

Call us when you expel a noble gas, #BasicHuman.

Here’s the base image to get you started. Be sure to post your own using the hashtag #BasicHuman!

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5 Tips for Acquiring a Romantic Human Counterpart

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Lifehack: How To Catch All Of Earth’s Hottest Diseases

By Jarshog Mollar

I’ve lived on planet Earth for 2 months and have already managed to contract HUNDREDS of diseases, here’s how you can too!

First off, if you’re into getting ill, Earth is THE place to be. This petri-dish of a planet is riddled with classics like Rhinovirus and even coveted afflictions like Necrotizing Fasciitis (can I get a hell yea for flesh eatin’ bacteria?).

Worried about making the long trek to Earth and leaving without even a touch Rubella? Don’t be! I was able to pick up some uber rare sickness with little competition from the native Humans. In my experience, I found that most humans usually attempt to avoid contracting diseases. What a bunch of Puritans!

If you’re just visiting Earth for the weekend and need a get-sick-fast plan, look no further than Earth’s super common door-opening devices, called “DHORGNOBS.” These delightfully round objects are a grabbag of pestilence, covered with diseases ranging from Influenza to Escherichia Coli (a personal fav). I typically give the dhorgnobs in my Earth residence a good lick or two before work to make sure my scloor nodes are nice and plump for the day.

If you’re looking to get SERIOUSLY infected, Earth is filled with establishments specifically designed for disease transmission.  My schlam was swollen and oozing with schpahkta after I took a visit to a human after hours establishment called “Daddy’s Room.” There I received at least four untreatable infections, courtesy of my new human friend, “Jazmynne.” But if nightlife isn’t really your thing there’s still plenty of ways to get gross on Earth; I managed to get violently ill just riding Human public transit!

Hope these tips help get you down with some sickness! Comment below if you manage to get as sick as a blorped shrengramp!